We are taught to be open and honest. We are taught that being authentic and ourselves is a virtue. We are taught to be true to ourselves in whatever decisions and choices we make in life. That which honors ourselves while still meeting the necesities of life is supposed to be ideal.
So, why then does it hurt when things don’t go as one would have hoped or thought?
I’m contemplating that today as I work.
I was open and honest. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I expressed as much of myself as I thought safe, based on the feeling place of those actions.
Yet, now I feel regret.
I felt I was too vulnerable, too honest, too open. Someone has an understanding of me that I can’t take back.
I wish I had that same understanding and awareness, because of the emotions I feel.
Yet, I can’t force that. I have no control over that, and I knew that from the start.
So, why if I knew all of that going in, why do I feel regret now? I don’t have an answer, I just know that’s seeming to be the root of my vibrational resistance at the moment- regret over being open, honestly myself.
At least I know the what now. Eventually I may understand the why and be able to release it. Here’s to hope and figuring this one out!
Update (later pm same day):
It has occurred to me that this blog I write is just as much about me being me. I write what’s on my mind, I am open & honest about fears, concerns, woes, challenges, and EVERYTHING that I do to attempt to overcome them. I’m telling my story, all of it, or at least as much as I have time and brain space for.
I don’t regret that. And I know full well that being as open and honest and vulnerable with strangers could be just as risky.
So, again why do I feel regret with the one person?
I’m beginning to think it was my expectation of exchange.
In a give-take exchange, you expect both/all sides to give equally of themselves. I expected that, and ended up giving all of myself, but feeling like I got minimal in return. My expectations were short-changed.
I’m not certain that’s the whole reason for my regrets, but it’s headed the right direction. I’ll unravel this yet.
Update (next morning):
My YouTube feed gave me this video in response to my quandary yesterday. It’s amazing how they always fit.
It makes sense to me now.
I feel regret because I had a very conditional expectation for one human because of societal standards.
Not only should I not care about societal standards, I should also not hold one person to them because he is a unique individual raised in a very different culture than I was.
Bonus, being focused on one specific individual fulfilling my conditional desire keeps me out of vibrational alignment – that’s one of the arguments for polyamory anyway: one person would never be able to meet all of another’s wants, needs, desires, and especially expectations.
So all of that out of alignment led to the feeling of regret… cut that out chica (to myself).
I like having a give-take exchange with people. It makes me feel good to have positive balanced interactions where I feel like someone cares about me as much as I do them. I like knowing that when I’m open and honest about myself, I receive validation that other people see that. I like knowing that there are many individuals in my life that enjoy sharing themselves with me in a wide variety of manners. I like knowing that the universe not only supports these things, but supports me in all ways. I like knowing that I am loved by the universe and it is merely reflected by the love demonstrated by family and friends. I like knowing that I am a beautiful creative human being, that God wants for me only the best, and this illusion I’m in is intended to reflect that. I like knowing that my uniqueness is what makes me so special and that God/the universe is working diligently on my behalf to send people into my life to honor my uniqueness. That person was merely one of many in my lifetime, and they may come and go as manifestations, but they are simply the reflection of that greater unconditional acceptance and celebration of my unique beauty.
Now that rampage of appreciation feels much better. I’ll use that as a starting point every time I catch myself feeling that regret. Practice makes perfect, and negatives don’t disappear overnight/instantly.