premisthunnanu ప్రేమిస్తున్నాను

Yesterday was a rough day. Heat got the better of me again,  that puzzle piece fell out & I got ugly again. Even with 3 portable air conditioning units,  the house was fairly unbearable. It was 97 degrees outside and about 85 inside. I don’t do well with prolonged heat. It’s why I know I’ll only ever be able to visit certain countries at best (some are on the no-go list purely because of extreme heat).

As I curled up in front of the one AC unit facing the sofa, desperately reaching  for a better feeling place,  that word kept repeating in my head.  I felt like someone was saying it to me and then I’d feel oh so very tired. 

I would doze off and wake to Ian getting into trouble because he was also bored and hot. I’d get angry and yell & then doze off again.  Every time I’d hear “premisthunnanu” repeated several times. I knew what it meant.  It was one of the phrases I’d learned, hoping to be able to tell that man one day:

Nenu mimalni premisthunnanu.

It means I love you.

I don’t know if my brain was trying  to pull up through a little self love,  or if someone was saying it to me. Though I suspect the latter (either way I know it was in an attempt to help me feel better). 

My reasoning:

1) Saturday we ate Indian food and while talking to Nathan I mentioned that the soup was the perfect amount of seasoning for me. Then “Aakupacha” kept repeating in my head.  I knew I’d learned that word,  but couldn’t for the life of me remember what it meant.  It took several minuets of wading through the language apps I’m using to find the translation. It was Cardamom. As soon as I told Nathan it stopped repeating in my head. 

2) Then there is Evan from massage school.  I haven’t heard from him since we graduated.  He was nice,  but at the time we didn’t have a lot in common.  Suddenly out of nowhere he sent a  message to me through the app I was using to talk to the other man. It uses completely different contact info than what Evan knew me to have.  Evan explained that his new phone just asked him if he wanted to add me when he installed the app. The next day my Nathan saw a plate that read S-Evan. We knew it was a message.  I started  another  conversation with Evan & discovered that we’re in similar “story lines” if you will.  I haven’t asked permission to repeat his story, so for here I’ll just say that he has a very christian version of some of my divine intervention experiences. I was amazed at how much in common some of the elements were. I don’t ‘fully grok’ the reason for the re-connection,  but I do see it was divinely influenced/directed. We both thanked the divine for the experience(s) and conversation. I hope to explore that connection more and hopefully gain greater insight. 

3) Sunday route, I spent driving in the dark listening to music as usual.  This time however,  I felt like someone kept giving me a hug from behind.  It felt very comforting,  very safe,  warm and wonderful.  At one point I asked who was there with me and seemed to get a muddled answer of several names, all of whom are deceased.  I looked up at the gorgeous moon and said “Thank You Lord Shiva” and got a very clear mental image of that divine aspect. Shortly thereafter I thought of the AWOL man & couldn’t stop thinking of him.  I felt some  sadness, but also much love. I clung to the love and spent the rest of route verbalizing things I love- Nathan,  things about Nathan,  the kids, cats, etc.

 It is clear to me that I’m getting divine messages. I would love to have more clarity on the meaning of them,  but I’m ever so grateful that I can see that I’m getting them at all.

I’m Focusing on the Law of Attraction  & Shivji a lot these days. It seems to be helping,  but I have yet to get solid consistency going.  I’m still back-sliding more than I’d like. 

Today I spent all day apologizing to the divine for having back-slid yesterday, and then an Abraham video pops up and the message is basically don’t beat up on yourself so much for going back to step 1. Step 1 being the contrast that causes desire for more.  The video reiterated to just keep reaching for better feelings and do your best to let go of the feelings about that contrast. Drop the oars and go with the flow of pure positive energy. 

They’ve got to know that’s easier said than done when the feelings are so intense as they were yesterday. 

I know the other side,  the eternal, are trying to help me. The messages are muddled but I know they’re trying to tell me something (or several things). I just feel like I  need more clarity, more understanding. And only more patience because of my lack of clarity. 

Today I made it through.  I’m tired,  but otherwise ok.  Never did find great feelings because the man keeps creeping into my thoughts, but I’ve stabilized from yesterday. I may be sad over that loss, but I do love him, and so I oscillate between the 2 emotions.  I’m doing my best to acknowledge that I liked everything he represented and that if it’s not right to have that particular man,  then the universe will provide an equal or better solution if I stay focused on his positive qualities. Again easier said than done,  especially in maintaining the feelings. 

 Finally, I may have to buy another AC unit yet just to get through the summer,  and my savings are dwindling quickly.  So much for tiny home plans. Plus,  Nathan is going to give up the daily route. His health backslid enough to acknowledge that it’s doing more harm than good. He wants to keep the Sunday only one for now, but did admit that his health is more important than a little work.  I thanked him for seeing that with enough time to correct. However, those acknowledgements didn’t help in trying to bring myself back up today. 

The upside is that I may have another senior center inbound which will make up for the lost income from the losses I’ve had this year. More work is a good thing until I figure out how to allow the miracle which will improve life overall. So I just keep on trucking, digging myself out again and again,  and doing my best to glue my puzzle together so that I can eliminate this conversation altogether.

—————–

One last note. I read a blog that upset me because it spoke of non-believers that supported LGBTQ, abortion, and assisted suicide. Essentially equating the 2. I want to point out that I’m both a believer and that person.

 I believe in the divine.  I have experienced the divine on several occasions,  and believe that I continue to do so. Just read my bogs to see that. 

Yet I am Bi-sexual, despite being born in/from a Christian family that hates LGBTQ, and has essentially written me off. It is why I want a poly family so much. 

Also, I  do believe that it’s a person’s choice to choose abortion or assisted suicide,  as much as it is my choice to fight depression and do everything I can overcome it. 

Do I agree with either?: I  don’t believe so, but it’s still their choice. Who knows if in just a particular set of circumstances that I might feel one of them would be necessary.  There are so many factors involved in those hot button issues (not the least of which is very real “true” health concerns) that I can’t honestly say that I would never succumb to them. I’d hope not,  but in certain situations they might be the lesser evil,  the path of least resistance.  So I’d hate to prevent another person from making that decision, and I’d like to believe that the divine understands that. 

And I’m going to quote Nathan here: 

If the divine is all knowing,  all seeing, doesn’t he already know all of that exists? Can you keep a secret from God? He knows us better than we know ourselves. God is all powerful,  the Shiva aspect is called the destroyer for a reason [biblical smiting inferred as well].  So why would LGBTQ even exist if God didn’t know about and approve of them.

Back to my opinion: 

We’re doing a good enough job killing each other with guns and bombs, and chemicals in our foods and vaccines.  The last thing “A Believer” should be doing is finding something else to fight over. 

To me a believer should exist in love and peace and work with fellow humans to improve this planet and help eliminate the need for things like abortion and assisted suicide. 

Imagine no one receiving a ‘3 months to live’ diagnosis,  no reason to contemplate whether futile painful treatments is worse or better than just letting go with a doctor’s help. No reason that a mother might be told that either she or the baby would die and having to pick between herself or her baby. 

Work on finding solutions, meet those people in person, and then tell me that it’s ok to equate them as non-believers and evil-doers. If you can’t exist in their heads even for the  length of a conversation, exist in their shoes for a day,  then you have no right to judge. The pain they’re in is already bad enough without your judgement. 

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