Honesty. 

I’m still working on teetering. Leaning a bit more to the positive side, but not enough to hit that tipping point yet.

Today I’ve fantasized, mmm that’s good.  I’ve thought about things I want, from simple things like air conditioning, to more complex conversations and a particular phone call, and even more complex things like large sums of money and dome homes. Ultimately I’m still struggling to maintain.  This illusion,  especially the  hot sweaty part of it, is kicking my butt.

Ultimately,  I’m trying to find another temporary solution,  assuming that my messages of this fall are accurate in that a more permanent solution is inbound.  I’m thinking a trip to the truck  stop for long cool showers and a meal is in order.  However,  that oscillating of emotions & vibrations is making even that temporary decision difficult.

Though I find that every time I really focus and really visualize (fantasize)  I end up going very deep and losing track of time. 

The last round of visualizing where I lost 20 minutes,  was merely a conversation about honesty.  How much I just want honesty. Why things happened,  why decisions were made,  why my perceptions are what they are. … I understand the need for white lies,  I’ve used them myself at times.  Sometimes life’s lesson is that they can get out of hand,  or cause feelings of losing control.  Sometimes the easiest way to escape the damage of white lies is to come  clean. Sometimes a bit of honesty goes a long way. 

My visualizing was solely me telling someone that and then my guess as to their reaction and response.  Though  keep in mind the goal is to feel good,  so I stuck  to the guess that felt the best.

 Since last post I’ve also had epiphanies about some of the people in my life.  A revelation I suppose as to how people that seem to love and respect me,  still move on without a trace. It’s all my doing, and apparently from birth really. So now I’m doing my best to give thanks that they did as much as they could  before moving on. I know I can’t rewrite my past,  so now the goal is to rewrite the next round.  Improve the future. 

I had a dream about being an artist, having done an image of Kuan Yin, and seeing the impact that my image had years after the fact. It was so vivid I might be able to reproduce the image from memory.

 In the dream the image stemmed from an experience I’d describe as Kuan Yin appearing to me. It was very intense and awe inspiring. On one hand it helped clear the air of the pattern I’m holding in regards to those people loving and leaving. I did feel an intense energetic release. 

  On the other hand what good does such an experience do if I’m still hot sweaty itchy cranky, not able to fully let go,  and not able to continue to remain buoyant. So more teetering,  more up in my head,  more sweaty,  & no good solutions at the moment. Everything is overwhelming and nothing lasts long enough to help me find the positive tipping point. I’ll continue to hang in and get by and keep chopping away at the blockages in my head. & maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll find that tipping  point & my llife, this illusion,  will start to improve. 

——-

UPDATE:

The luke warm shower in an air conditioned building,  followed by salad dinner (also in air conditioning), helped drastically.

I got super cranky earlier because I desperately wanted air conditioning,  and didn’t allow myself to make a decision quickly to accommodate my own desires.  I’ve really got to work on that.  By the time I got us headed to showers I was overheated and dehydrated.  Not a good combination and one that could have been avoided.  Meh.

Ian fed my own crap back  to me several times over the day & evening,  and now he’s fighting sleep.  Yet, I watched him count to 6 on  his own,  and he figured out how to get napkins out of a cantankerous dispenser without shredding them. It made me realize that some of his feeding things back to me is really because he’s so smart he’s figured out quite well how to push my buttons.  Like the moment where the waitress tried to talk to him,  and he opened his mouth with a huge grin to show her what he was chewing.  Let’s just say it ended the waitress trying to talk to him, & embarrassed me, all in one fell swoop.  He accomplished two desires with one very efficient action. Yikes. That was just one of many moments like that today. 

I told Nathan we’re  in trouble if we don’t figure out how to keep his brain busy,  starting now! Nathan agreed pointing out that when he can’t produce motion to stay awake, he starts engaging his brain to stay awake. He turns into a proverbial little engine that could figuring out whatever thing is closest.  Both a blessing and a curse, I just hope I can keep up.  

Having that family of multiple adults would sure help with keeping up and keeping him challenged.  Mmmm. That would sure be nice. AND a home with modern conveniences again, would be nice too. I can say our family lived 16 months without plumbing or AC, and though we could continue to do so,  I’m so ready to have a gentle easy solution to move into a nice home with both. That’s what I’m going to focus  on as I go to sleep tonight. 
Hocus pocus focus (Drew). 

– Abraham Hicks (& me: we used to tell our dog Drew to focus)

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