Hurumph.

Onomatopoeia for the way I’m feeling right now.

It’s not necessarily a good thing, but it could be worse.

I’ve spent 2 solid days working diligently at Law of Attractioning myself more positive. Literally taking several blocks of time to choose the best feeling thought I could reach for. Catching myself thinking negative and doing my best to flip it around. I’ve sat several times and meditated using the good “visions” I’ve had in the last year as positive fuel, at one point meditating so deep that I lost 45 minutes when I only intended 15. I’ve distracted myself with upbeat music at every possible opportunity. I took a couple of naps. I even ‘virtually’ loved on the man long distance, and ran through a long list of things I already have with Nathan.

I oogled the sunsets. I oogled the sunrises. Both while driving. I’ve even stared at the moon, which by the way, is almost full again. I’ve literally stopped to smell roses and other flowers in several people’s bouquets. Mantras, and pretty pictures, and acknowledging messages I’ve gotten of late.

So, with all of this positive thinking, attempting to drop the oars and float downstream, intentional releasing of resistance, why the hell do I still feel like HURUMPH?

Abraham says it’s because you have to reach for thoughts that are believable enough that you feel the vibrational shift. I thought I was.

Abraham also says that you have to focus on those thoughts for 17 seconds to start the ball rolling and 68 seconds to pick up any sort of momentum. I know I accomplished that several times over the last 2 days.

Part of me thinks that I’m allowing others’ vibrations to seep into my stream and slow me down. Though Abraham says that you should be able to bring enough light and good vibes to overcome that with enough focus, especially since you are the only one that controls your stream. So maybe I just have not found enough focus.

Or perhaps there is just way too much crap to try and overcome. Maybe my stream is the expert level white water rapids with all kinds of jaggedey hazards to attempt to avoid, and I’m no expert. I dunno!

I exclaimed on the way home. “Do you know how hard this is? Do you know how many thousands of thoughts I think every day? Do you know how far down some of them are, and thus how hard I’m working to bring them up? AND not a shred of physical evidence yet as encouragement.”

It’s like being told you have to do a thousand of something before someone will even think of giving you an atta-boy.

So yes, you might say I’m struggling a bit. Maybe tired is a factor. Maybe diet and other choices are a factor. I could have had a much worse week. I thought I did decent in the grand scheme of things. Got more sleep than previous, got more exercise than previous, ate less crap than previous, even managed to remember most of my supplements, etc.

There’s also Anya being gone again. 2 weeks this time, with Grandparents to Nebraska first, and then Florida for the second half. They also dropped a family bombshell when they picked her up, and that has me and Nathan both flustered. I think everything will ultimately be ok, but it’s likely a major contributing factor at the moment. I really don’t deal well with her being gone, it does affect our sleep drastically, and the bombshell did ruffle enough feathers to cause some worry and concern.

Bonus, I still want Nathan to quit working again. It’s just not produced any financial gain, and it’s made our life so much more complicated, there is way less flexibility, and he’s lost sleep more than we did when Ian was a newborn. I just don’t have anything good to say about him continuing to work. Yet, we don’t want to throw in the towel and go back down to just my massage wages either, because I’ve lost so many people of late. There have been so many people die that I’m down a third of my income at the moment. I know it will rebound as they add new people, but there is always an uncomfortable lag time in the process. I’d rather just figure out this art of allowing thing.

We’re also down 10 chickens. Raccoon food. On one hand- whatever, everything’s gotta eat, and I haven’t been using the eggs myself, giving many away. On the other, rawr, really just raccoon food after all the crap I’ve done to make chickens happen! Meh. I told Nathan this is very reminiscent of Ainsworth:

Aradia/Kara, Rajesh, and Chickens dwindling.

Has repeated as:

Jennifer, SJ, and Chickens dwindling again.

I could do with some really truly sane women, Good Indian men that actually stick around (or that respect me enough to stay in touch), and I suppose either no chickens to start with or being able to easily maintain their safety.

That and I gotta say, good shit has got to start happening or I’m likely to turn into a cold hard bitter bitch that doesn’t trust anything. I’m right on the edge right now, and I’m doing my best to tip it to the good side.

So tonight I sit teetering, saying hurumph, setting a goal that tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one.

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