Intensity & contemplation

Intensity: 

I’ve been receiving messages for a while now. If  you’ve been reading my blogs, you might know better than I how long. Some of those messages I’ve said what I believe them to mean.  Others I admitted stumped me.

One such set, I was half afraid was telling me my Nathan was going to die. They included references to DR, & ER, & 8X (which I took as infinitely crossed). There was always an N or N8 with them, and 530 was common as well as 37.  It freaked me out and Nathan and I had several conversations about “you have to promise me you’ll stick around”.

Well yesterday, I found out that our friend Nate who’d gotten cancer from the horrible preservative he was responsible for at his former work- BHTQ, had passed away on May 30th. He was 37 years old. 

I was astounded,  I realized the messages had just been validated.  All of them.  Even though I have yet to understand what some of them mean. I said a prayer for Nate and his wife and kids.  I thanked whomever was sending the messages and promised I’d do my best to interpret better. I thanked “them” for even sending/ providing the messages to me. I was beside myself,  no words. 

Later that night,  I awoke with a wonderful intensity. I felt great joy,  happiness, relief, all at once. I knew Nate had woke me up. I felt a twinge of sadness,  over leaving his  family and the wake of grief it caused.  Yet there was such an overpowering relief of “I feel so much better”. It was so intense I shook with excitement. It must have been an actual physical shake because Ian stirred beside me wanting a bottle. 

As I floundered in the kitchen trying to find the bits of bottle, still shaking,  I exclaimed “a little help here”. It was like one pot in the dirty dishes pile was highlighted,  & as soon as I moved it I found the missing package of bottle nipples.

Upon returning to bed,  Ian took the bottle of milk & drank himself back to sleep. I layed down,  head swimming with amazement thinking I needed to be up in 4 hours. At that moment I felt a tug on my arm. Being trained in Unwinding, I  automatically followed the tug.  My arm slowly and uncomfortable began to reach backward (massage therapists spend all their time reaching forward,  so the reverse is always tight). Then much more easily and gracefully reached forward and upward. The message just clicked,  a knowing.  Reaching to the past can be uncomfortable because of past hurts and “failures”, reaching forward is easier and ok.  Just keep reaching for the better things and times in the future. 

I knew the message wasn’t just for me. Though I benefited,  I knew I had to let his wife know.  I thanked Nate & said you know I need to be up in less than 4 hours,  I’ll tell her.  & I felt like he hugged me & left. I texted Nathan about  it since he was still out working & then went back to sleep.  Very sound sleep. 

When I woke in the morning I messaged his wife about it.  As I was reading my words to my Nathan we both felt an overwhelming sensation- I would describe as gratitude and relief and love all mixed together.  It made me cry. I hope my words help her and the rest of the family.

Nathan started laughing and smiling.  He told me “No, you’re not psychic!” I said “I’m not.  If I were a psychic I’d  have understood the message before he passed.”  He just said “maybe that was the point this time”. I didn’t have  a response. The rest of the morning I just kept feeling the need to sigh. Over and over again. Big intense sighs.

I’m grateful for Nate’s visit and his message,  I’m grateful for all the other messages “they” have given me. It’s simply astounding. I’m sad Nate is gone,  he was a great guy, & I know the grief everyone that loved him feels. I’m glad he’s found peace & relief. I’m a bit overwhelmed with the whole interaction & sensation, it was very intense & I still don’t have full vocabulary to  describe it. At a loss for words. 

Contemplation:

One of the messages I’ve been receiving seems to imply my desires for Atira will be met soon. How soon,  I’m not sure. The divine functions on a different time scale than we do,  so soon might still be a while from my perspective. 

Anyway,  in contemplating having Atira, I’m working on figuring out logistical concerns.  I’ve acknowledged, through massage therapy & other life interactions, there are people that:

1) take a little help & run with it doing great things

2) more slowly absorb help and eventually create change,  but may need lots of reminders or encouragement or help problem solving the details

3) want the help, but fail to implement said help at all, and thus repeat their sad cycle relentlessly, often with many an excuse as to why they failed

In Atira, I’m primarily looking to help the homeless that fall in the first 2 categories.  Where even if the process is slow,  my time, energy,  and resources will ultimately be well worth it. 

The 3rd group I would probably refer to the typical resources already available. 

My problem is I have yet to figure out which is which until I’ve spent a significant amount of time interacting with people. So there in lies my contemplation.  How does one tell quickly if someone will take useful advice and help,  and apply it to their lives, even if slowly; vs not at all. How does one weed out the excuses people, to  be able to maximize ones resources actually helping those that would benefit? 

On that I don’t have an answer yet.  It will come. 

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