Don’t let yourself be Dr. Zhivago’ed

Okay, so I’m back on the upswing. I’m getting a lot better at un-burying myself more quickly these days. It helps that I can now see the ‘diet, sleep, exercise’ trifecta of instant punishment, or instant relief. It’s amazing how bad choices affect my mood first, but as I pull out, I notice the other things like the mild vertigo and loss of balance caused by the brain inflammation. It also seems like making the good choices is having a quicker effect these days at fixing the inflammation and bringing myself back into alignment- that’s a way good thing.

Anyway, in an attempt to ramble less this post (so I can get to sleep soon), one of the benefits I am now seeing is a better world view. I now have a sense that “reality” is a giant illusion, that I am indeed in the Matrix. I’m starting to get messages clearer. After the last blog post, I had someone offer suggestions for queries leading to some direction with the home construction situation. I’ll update when that fully pans out, but the important part is that it was a more direct, and easily understood result of my request for clarity and direction- I’m starting to get clear responses from my illusion. The other response that I got had to do with how I respond to certain situations. Essentially, a good friend that doesn’t seem to really believe in anything (she’s very scientific and matter-of-fact) had a conversation with me that helped me see some alternate views and ways to respond to mundane family situations. That combined with Abraham’s daily email quote (below) made it clear that I really have to work hard at choosing not just my foods, sleep, and exercise, but also every thought at ALL times.

If you are ending up where you want to be, what difference does it make whether you went fast or slow? Or what difference does it make whether it was painful before it got really good? Isn’t that the point of free will? You get to choose.

Excerpted from San Francisco, CA – Saturday, July 30th, 2005

Our Love,
Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

Essentially, I’m working on getting an answer to the statement about not understanding what Nathan meant when he said “things are different because I’m in love twice over, and I have to find a new way of doing things”. I’m literally getting into the nitty gritty of picking apart my brain’s automatic responses and replacing them with different, hopefully better, choices. After my conversation with my friend, I literally got super sleepy and concluded that my brain was literally building new brain cells with this new information and plan of action.

Today I felt refreshed enough to get some major cleaning and reorganizing done in our temporary home. I felt good to have not just a mental shift, but also a physical reflection of that shift. A constructive conversation with the family also helped to feel like I was being heard for the first time in a while. I literally feel things starting to shift and the request (also from the last blog) for a physical manifestation of that progress came in today’s conversation and cleaning house.

So, where does Dr. Z come in? At work one of my residents was watching Dr. Zhivago when I went into her apartment. She left it running during the massage. I’d seen the movie a few times, as my mother loved it, but this day I only got to see about a 30 minute section.

It was the section between Yuri (Omar Sharif) and Lara (Julie Christie) making love, and the fast forward where Yuri dies of a heart attack as he’s trying to chase a woman he thinks is Lara, and we see that their daughter is being filled in on the tale of events. Essentially, that section is about putting safety for loved ones and societal constructs (belief in sin, political convictions, etc.) above your own desires. Yuri literally watches his love leave to never see her again. He doesn’t know that, he just knows he loves her enough to put her safety first, but because of his own political convictions, he can’t bear to leave on the train with a man he despises. So he sends them on their way and runs to watch them from a 2nd floor window. He never knew he had a daughter and never got to see Lara again, working the rest of his days in a deadened state, which the one officer described as like having a heart of ice.

As I sit giving a massage and occasionally watching this movie play out, I can’t help but think of my life and my choices, and people I’ve met and loved. I then realize how many things go into making us who we are,  into building our brains and guiding our decisions. How many choices seem to be so clear cut, when perhaps they aren’t. How many things I’ve done because it is “what we’re supposed to do”. Then, I sat there thinking about my previous comments about how loving Nathan has seemed like it screwed me. I had to admit, even with the financial woes of our 14 years together, I don’t think I would go back and change anything. We have had some really amazing moments together. I have had many good experiences with Nathan that probably would not have even happened if I’d not have been with him. I have learned so much about the world and especially about myself because of my relationship with Nathan. So yes, even though it’s been a bumpy ride that I was well warned against, I am- to this day- glad that I put love first and followed my heart. It has been worth every ounce of heartache for all of the bountiful goodness that loving him has brought me. I know so much more about myself now and I’m literally healing myself in many ways because of his help and encouragement over the years. I am so grateful that love helped us stick together through thick and thin and enabled such wonderful growth and development for both of us.

I then thought about my online love. How I would have never thought that even remotely possible if it hadn’t been for Nathan. How he has the potential to bring equally as much love and personal growth and wonderful experiences. How we would both be challenged and yet both be receiving such wonderful blessings of a loving relationship. Then I thought about how Yuri couldn’t bring himself to overcome his ideas of sin and his strong political views to follow Lara to safety. I have to say that it made me very sad and made me wonder if my friend will succumb to similar (yet in many ways very different) pressures. All I could think is that there are a myriad of ways to work things out in Polyamory, and I really hoped that he could see even a few of those ways and give love a chance.

BUT, then I cycle back to “it’s all an illusion”, this is just one of many possibilities. One of many ways that people interact with their world, their illusions. I’ve already been shown the good results of my new love, I’ve already seen the beautiful wonderful blessings that the relationship could bring. I still wouldn’t call myself a psychic- I would be the worst at trying to give other people any useful information, but every great once in a while I get mental images and mental “video clips” that are so vivid that I can’t help but know that there is truth in them. And this new relationship has already had that.

Prior to this situation, the last time I got these images was the birth of Ian. My midwives just kept telling me visualize the birth you want to have. Every time I went to visualize the birth, I knew all was well and going smoothly, but I could never see baby at the moment of birth. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t imagine seeing baby, but I always had a sense that baby was fine. Then when I actually gave birth, Ian came out facing backward, I had so much low back pain because of it that I spent my time leaning forward. The final moment of birth, Ian came out behind me and the midwife unwrapped the cord from around him, and then passed him forward to me in the water (I had a beautiful full water birth like I’d always wanted). The cord was wrapped, but loosely so no serious risk, and my midwife was so amazing she handled it perfectly. But it meant that my visualization was 100% accurate, the midwife and Nathan saw baby before I did.

Now I have a series of new visions just like that. They are so vivid, feel so wonderful, that I can’t help but believe they are the same thing. So, Dr. Z or not, I believe that all of us will overcome our limiting beliefs and the end result will be a very happy, prosperous, poly family, with love overflowing between us all. I choose to hold onto that, and utilize Dr. Z as a tool to reinforce the need to stay focused and do my mental homework. I will rewrite my brain to better days, and I am appreciative for Nathan’s support along the way, and I look forward to the day I have 2 loves by my side. Love can and will prevail, regardless of mental conditioning of any kind. Blessed Be.

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