Monster striving to be an Angel.

I often feel like the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast”. Having a kind and caring heart, but feeling like my harsh exterior (the depression and anger from my malfunctioning brain) is preventing my good from being seen. I try ever harder to overcompensate and often feel like my efforts are in vain, begetting more frustration. Can my few good moments really overcome all my negativity? I don’t have an answer, but I always hope that my efforts are seen by those that matter most: my family and the divine.

Lately my mind has been on this a lot as I’m working through “The Depression Cure”, I can see that I’m improving, but it is such a tedious arduous journey I sometimes wonder if I will ever completely clear the other side. I see that the patience thing snuck up on me again, as I feel like I want it solved now. Enough already… but then I know that doing the work will make the results that much more valuable. Patience.

Ultimately this is installment 2 of Atira Community.

Despite feeling like I am a monster, I am reaching for being the Angel. I grew up watching “Touched By An Angel” and though I knew I didn’t agree 100% with the strong Christian tones, I was touched emotionally by that show quite often. That Angels sometimes showed up as “Normal People” (really the angels were wearing that guise) doing wondrous things for those that needed it. It always made me wonder if that was really  what benefactors were- normal people filling Angels’ roles.  It has always tugged at my heart, and I have always wanted to do that. I simply want to help people and creatures improve their lives. So it’s really no wonder that when Nathan and I were dreaming up our  ideal community and what we wanted to do, that was the focus.

We discussed originally working with organizations that already do some of the things that we spoke of, and that is still very much a possibility. I acknowledge that being able to put the whole community together all at once as I’ve dreamed, is not only a huge undertaking that would require a lot of hands on deck, but it would also take vast amounts of money. I’ve hypothesized  that if I ever hit the jackpot for Powerball or MegaMillions that it would be very much in reach. But that brings me back to the Probability vs Possibility issue discussed in the ‘millions reasons’ blog I wrote (what seems like) ages ago.

I’ve also thought that if the right set of eyes saw my writings and plans and vision boards, maybe- just maybe- they would be that generous benefactor, Angel Investor, if you will to help make the dream a reality. I have so many figures that I look up to that could potentially be that. I told my husband that if I could have 3 people get really interested in my blog it would be Oprah, Bono, and Ellen, with Bernie Sanders being a close 4th. I really respect those people and would love for them to get on board.

But for now, I realize that it still falls under probability vs possibility. Anything is possible, but with the millions of bloggers and other people trying to vie for attention of famous people, I’m likely to be missed.

So, then I start thinking about what’s the backup…..

That’s where the rebuild comes in. We have to have a stable safe home on some kind of property- free and clear. The trailer is small, but by the time the rebuild is done, it will be enough for us at least. I could then get a couple of acres free and clear for a few thousand dollars (right now the area we’re contemplating  is $2500/acre). Then move the trailer and install well and septic. … My initial estimates to get to that point was about 5 years, we’re already significantly behind schedule, so maybe 10 years. *makes me frown* ….. The goal was then to fix the trailer we’re now living in to support the first people we help. Essentially giving them a home and food/utilities and helping them get their lives in order, in exchange for hands on efforts to continue the building and growing of the community.

Nathan is a photographer, I’m a massage therapist for work, and an artist and graphic designer on the side, we could teach those skill sets readily. However, being that the two of us put together have so many other skills, we could readily teach quite a bit, especially in and for  the literal building of the community. We could even help people get driving jobs since both of us have worked as ClassB drivers.

The biggest concern I’ve always had is that it’s a long process to go from no address, no identification, and/or no documentation, to having those things. Even under the best circumstances and with the best help, it’s still something that can take anywhere from a couple months to a year to complete- mainly because of all the bureaucratic red tape that is designed to prevent the process from happening. Our society definitely likes people staying homeless and poor. I don’t know why, for all the degrading we do to that faction of society, but the system is definitely set-up to keep the poor or homeless in their place.

Imagine if you had no money and no address: How would you request a copy of your birth certificate? How would you seek a copy of your social security card? How would you seek to get a sate ID or drivers license? All of those items take some money to obtain; even though not much, if you have as little as a homeless person, it’s probably unlikely you would choose to spend it on those items. Plus, at least in the state of Missouri all of those items would ultimately be mailed to you. If you live in a homeless shelter or some other provided shelter, that may not be so much an issue, but if you are truly homeless, you have no address. Yet all of those items are necessary to obtain a job and file paperwork to hold said job. Think of that the next time you hear someone telling a homeless person to go get a job!

Enough of my rant about that. Ultimately what that boils down to is there would very much need to be a shelter, some kind of basic home, to house anyone we helped. A basic starter kit for eating, functioning, bathing/hygiene, and sleeping.

We would also have to assist them in the process of obtaining the items listed above, which at least for Birth Certificate and Social Security card, you have to know several identifiers like parents birth-dates and birth-places. I don’t know about you; but I don’t know those off the top of my head right now, let alone thinking about the possibility of having lost the information years ago and having been in survival mode since loosing them. I simply can’t imagine trying to remember the necessary and vital information. So we would have to have someone that could essentially research that information based upon details we do know. I’m certain that that individual would be well served by having access to government resources, and that would take connections. Something I don’t currently have- despite having 2 brothers in law enforcement- I know the one brother hates me, and I think the other brother simply would not register it as an important cause to get on board with. It’s personally a bit sad to acknowledge that for me.

Once I had fed, housed, cleaned up, and dressed these individuals, I could complete their documentation process, while they do some hard labor to keep things progressing and running. At that point if they felt they had the skills, I would vouch for their time with me and get them employed. That would then necessitate assisting with transportation to said job until they had made enough to purchase a safe vehicle.  All the while I would need to enforce that they continue working for me on the side to compensate for all the assistance. AGAIN this is the back-up plan. Starting small. I wouldn’t be able to afford wages on top of housing, food, clothes, utilities, documentation, and transportation. I’ll be lucky to even pull this off for a handful of individuals after a decade of working hard to just lay the ground work.

I sincerely hope that I can. My heart wants to provide real lasting positive change for others. It seems a valid goal, and it seems like it’s possible, if only the Universe lays off of the set-backs and challenges for a while- a long while- it might even be probable! Finally, I ask that the Universe help to provide both more money and more time congruently and/or concurrently. My pattern thus far is: a little money ($5000 or less at a time), or a little time- no grand amount of either, and never both at the same time. *SIGH*  PLEASE!

OF Course I would willingly accept the less probable options of lottery or Angel Investor. I have so many ideas for making the perpetual giving machine also a quite lucrative business endeavor. I hope to one day be a small community functioning business wise like Newman’s Own does. That would be a day to celebrate and to proclaim Divine assistance, Atira Community is dedicated in honor of the Divine in all it’s archetypes, but especially those that have influenced me, as without divine help it will never come to be. Amen, Namaste, So Mote It Be.

 

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