Inching up again. 

I’ll make this post short.

Yesterday sucked.  People suck. I’m ashamed to live and work in a metro where innocent intelligent people are killed by dumbasses carrying guns that can’t tell a criminal from a green-card holder.

I sent well wishes and my concerns to my friends that were probably impacted by the Olathe shooting.  That’s all I could do.

Then I forced myself to start climbing out of my emotional hole. I walked a mile on the treadmill. It’s all my lungs could handle.  I’ll do that again this evening. I feel better,  but having asthma always makes post sick hard. It’s always more difficult for me to breathe after having been sick,  usually for about a week or 2 afterwards.  I’m hoping forcing myself to exercise will help the breathing in addition to my mood. Plus, I keep doing breathing treatments,  at least once a day- it ensures that I avoid pneumonia.

I’m not spectacularly better,  but inching in that direction.

I left for work this morning crying on Nathan’s shoulder,  asking forgiveness.  I told him “please know I love you even when my brain doesn’t work”. I meant it. I do love him and the kids.  Sometimes I care too much,  and that mixed with malfunctioning brain, and hopelessness is a really bad combination. 

He left me to drive away with the solace that he’s slowly seeing the pattern that triggers episodes like that.  He said it’s not reliable yet,  but the pattern is emerging. I hope we’ll both get to where we can stop it before it gets that bad.

I’ll continue to ask the divine for help, with fixing my brain and with providing some incentive – some kind of improvement to want to keep making myself try. 

That’s all I can do for now.  My prayers already include others,  but after the shooting,  I will send many more for other’s sake.

 I really wish that God would grant me the ability to create Atira. I so badly want to provide a real tangible positive ripple in this world. I’m not sure how much  good my prayers,  meditations,  and mantras do, especially considering my constant battle with the negative malfunctions inside my brain.  Atira manifesting would finally show the positive effects in a real tangible way for myself and hundreds,  even thousands, of others. I wish for that. 

But for now I send peace and love and prayers for everyone being lumped in with the handful of terrorists in this world.  I pray for clarity to strike the United States so that everyone could realize that olive skin doesn’t make you a criminal,  and that those “out to get us” are an extreme minority of misguided individuals led by an even tiny-er minority that have managed to create mass hysteria. Every time someone buys into the mass hysteria, the tiny minority of fear mongers wins.

I will not buy into any of it, I have my own brain to fix, and my own life to improve. One tiny step at a time.

Many blessings on this Shivaratri weekend.

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