Defining myself. 

In an effort to pull out of a nose-dive, emotionally speaking, I thought I should define a few things.  First:  my good qualities,  it always helps  with feeling better to see good in yourself. Second: my needs & have they been met, if they have it’s a good thing,  & can be added to the emotional win pile. Third:  my desires/wants, also with reflection on manifestation &/or  potentiality. Perhaps by the end of these 3, I’ll “feel right as rain”.

I

  1.  Intelligent- could have had a PhD if I’d cared to, or had the funding to do so.
  2. Thoughtful/kind- I try to think of others in any situation. 
  3. Thoughtful/analytical- I examine my experiences to attempt to glean useful knowledge and have a better interaction the next time something arises. 
  4. Hardworking
  5. Determined
  6. Self-reliant – I support myself & my family.
  7. Self-motivated -I make it to work most all days to ensure #5 because I want to, not because someone threatened loss of job.
  8. Compassionate -I  sincerely hate when I can’t help someone in need.
  9. Kind/caring
  10. Giving (often to my detriment) 
  11. Gentle (most of the time- don’t count when I’m working!) 
  12. Loving (when I’m not in the hole)- I’ve literally fallen in love several times,  even when things weren’t going to work out,  I still miss those people, and think of them often.  I continue to love my parents and siblings even though they don’t seem to share the same feelings for me. I will hold tightly to Nathan as he has been my rock in the stormy ocean of love. 
  13. Understanding/Empathetic – I know I can never understand everyone’s situation 100%, but I go out of my way most of the time to do my best to understand where someone is coming from and their motivations. It genuinely helps in communicating with people if they feel like they are being heard  and understood. 
  14. Good listener – most of the time,  everyone has bad days/ moments of this one- right?
  15. Organized
  16. Neat/tidy- both in my space,  and with my own person: I dress well, have good hygiene, I prefer to look good, smell good and do my best to carry that into my living spaces (2 year olds make that hard)-& I do it because it shows respect for myself and those around me.
  17. Creative – I’m an artist:  see here!
  18. Good at math too- I took calculus twice because of college transfer issues,  not because I failed the first time. BTW- I was bored out of my mind the 2nd time. 
  19. Honest – there is integrity and safety in being honest, and I’m more likely to omit truth than lie to make a situation more gentle. 
  20. Strong- literally & figuratively: have dealt with poverty & family crap & health issues for years; & I can leg press 175 pounds,  & pick up my husband of 230 pounds! 
  21. I’m cute,  I love my hair, my expressive eyes,  and though my body is changing from losing weight,  I acknowledge the journey I’ve been on is entirely worth it.

    That’s a good start I think.  It’s helped my emotional set point for today.

    II. Needs

    1. Food- I always have enough to survive. 
    2. Housing – has been challenging in many ways over the years,  but I’ve never been completely homeless.  I’ve always had somewhere to take shelter for the most part.
    3. Clothes – always. I’ll wear something to tatters before it disappears.  It ensures we always have something to wear, and I’ve gotten damn good at piecing together stellar outfits from thrift store finds. 
    4. Shoes- same as clothes,  but we always have something on our feet.
    5. Work- there were some  dry spells after college,  but the last 7 years has had consistent work.
    6. Income- spotty at best, but I always have enough for food at least, & the last 4 years has been a very, very slow increase.
    7. Transportation- we’ve always figured out something,  & often it’s been keeping a clunker just barely functional,  but it got the job done, & got me to work.

    III. Wants/Desires

    1. Safe, energy efficient,  pretty home- still working on that one. 
    2. Safe, energy efficient, nice vehicle(s) – also in progress.
    3. Atira- see my post “320 Million Reasons to Cling to My Shred of Hope.” From Nov 19th….. seems highly improbable at this point but I still cling to hope. … and for the record I’d take a few acres in the country paid with well, septic, solar, & wind power. 
    4. One big happy poly family. I have to be honest,  this is me being somewhat selfish,  wishing to replace my failed relationships with my birth family with an intentional loving supportive family of choice.  It may be a pipe dream, but I still cling to the hope. I really just want to feel the love from others, which my family never really showed. 
    5. Studio- I want to be able to create beautiful things again.  A studio would enable that.  This may come to pass sooner than later, as I’ve thought about having a separate shed for it, but home is priority. 
    6. In a like manner I want to enable Nathan to do his fine art photography again.  He does beautiful work when he has the chance. See here!
    7. Financial abundance – the kind of abundance where you don’t have to think about how much things cost,  only “do I need or really really want this”.

    Those are really the biggies. I’m sure I could come up with thousands of little, day to day, needs/wants/desires, but almost all of those would be solved with financial abundance/freedom. Again probability vs possibility: anything’s possible,  but how probable is that really. I still don’t have an answer for that one. 

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