Progress, who needs progress.

Well, sort of. … I felt like I should be writing a general update, as it’s been a while. But there’s not really anything to report- at least in regards to the original reason for starting this blog.

The construction is at a dead standstill. No Supplies, no money for a while, and now no time either, and my back still being out isn’t helping. I don’t deal with chronic pain well, though I suspect I need to sit with Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” in addition to the manual therapies I’ve been doing on myself. I’m sure she has something to say about your mid-back seizing up right during a period of stress.

I have apologized profusely to my family repeatedly. It seems every time I try to fix anything it seems to get worse. I am doing my level best to honor that it’s a hard journey to begin with. I’ve repeated “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” more times than I can count. I’m still trying to convince myself that this is all life is ever going to be and it’s fine. Such a bleak outlook makes finding joy difficult at best, but Law of Attraction swears that’s what you’re supposed to do. Let go and find happy anyway.

I look to my matron deities Brighid of the Celtic pantheon, and Kali of the Hindu pantheon. They are both butt kicking creatrices in their own right, taking the dregs of the world in front of them, smashing and burning, to create something new and better. I’ve done the smashing and burning- literally! So, where’s the making of beauty?

Sadly, I don’t have the answer. I’ve fresh run out of answers for myself or anyone else.

I wish I did have answers. It’d be a whole lot easier. The messages I get seem to appear as answers, but at this point I think I’m having trouble with faith again. I’ll work on that too- my promise to myself was continue to do my best to improve in any way I can. It makes for a very long to-do list of self-improvement.

So, I’m continuing with the introspection- hence another blog post. I feel like this has become my journal. At the very least it helps me organize my jumbled thoughts and place them somewhere outside of myself for a bit. That helps.

So progress, sometimes it seems elusive, yet there’s always some form present.

Lets see….

I’ve made lots of progress  on self-care. Pretty much if I’ve been off work, I’ve done something in that category. Re-cap: cupping, stretches, received a great massage, inversion table, heat, ice, worked trigger points on myself. Rest- gads of that. I think I needed it the most. Yet my back is still very sore. The offending trigger points are along my abdominals and serratus muscles right under my ribs where the diaphragm attaches. I suspect the trigger points seized up and are pulling on my diaphragm causing the pulling sensation inside my back. So I’ve got to get the front & sides to drop tension, the ribs and vertebrae to relocate to their proper alignment, and then the painful nerve constriction should cease. Yet, I felt like I accomplished that twice this week, so perhaps now I must alleviate the energetic component so that it stays better. So OK, Ms. Hay, what ya got for me?… I’ll let you know if I find something in her writing that helps.

In the meantime, I got my Massage CEU’s taken care  of and my license renewal submitted to the state. I was actually expecting it to be a more painful process based on my original license application. I guess they figure if the first one is painful it will weed out the riff-raff and then subsequent renewals don’t need to be as obnoxious. Anyway, I did all 12 credits online since I’ve been financially behind the 8 ball indefinitely, it’s really the only way I can afford to do my CEU’s and bonus it lends itself to doing them last minute, which it seems is always a necessity budgetarily speaking. It made for a long day, but the result is another year before I need to even think about doing anything else. My National boards will be the next thing to come due, and that too will probably get put off until the last minute.

Wood was cut all day yesterday, and when all was said and done, I thought we would be good for a while. Except that it’s all soggy from being out in the open during the last couple of storms. I went to light this mornings fire, and went through several rounds of kindling with no actual fire resulting. Nathan then helped find some dryer wood and together we got a fire going. Then to compensate for dry time, he went and bought $20 worth of wood from a man in Gallatin. So now if we stack all the wet wood under all the dry wood, but the time we go to burn it, all should be well. Hopefully this round will be more than 3 days worth of wood (that’s what we’ve been averaging prior). Nathan and I keep commenting that we have no idea how some people can handle being professional lumber jacks, it’s kicking our butts.

Exercise continues, though at a much gentler pace this week.

I’m struggling with carbs and stress- they are a nasty pair that like to gang up on me and persuade me to do things I would have enough sense not to do otherwise.

Ian is talking non-stop. This morning he told me that he didn’t want that one [cartoon], he wanted “word party”, he didn’t like that one, and word party is fun. Geesh. Smart kids are hard, and a lot of work, and exhausting. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow, let alone by August when he turns 3. But I’m grateful that he is smart and strong, hopefully his life will be easier than mine.

Anya is Anya. She’s 11.5 years old going on the proverbial 15. She swings from being really helpful to really moody in a sneeze. I can’t please her, and my words bounce off of her as much as they do Ian. Yet somehow I feel like she really cares and is probably fighting her own new-hormone-induced demons.

Our Yule tree is slowly being dismantled, after having only had lights on it for about 2 weeks. The lights were taken off prematurely because it was after the first of the year, and I had to explain that is my rule when it goes up Thanksgiving weekend. It could have stayed up longer and been fine by me. But since the lights were off, we just left it that way to dry, slowly breaking branches off for kindling.  We now have a dead, half gone, scraggly tree in our living room! I don’t know weather to laugh or cry.

It’s tax season already, and I’ve barely put a dent in what needs to be done. Being self employed makes for much more obnoxious and time consuming taxes. C’est la vie! I’ll work on it a little at a time and they’ll still get turned in on time.

I got some music. Some via Google Play, some I checked out from the library. My playlists on my phone are already great, but I suspect adding a little more will make for some good drive time. I really do love music- playing, singing, or listening. Every commute is me singing and bopping my head to the music de jour, blasting via Bluetooth through loud speakers, while sailing down the highway. For some reason one particular mantra piece has been resonating intensely for me and many a commute has been it on repeat, singing at the top of my lungs- LISTEN HERE. Though I’ve also spent a fair amount of time with Deva Premal’s Gayatri Mantra. I think I get a little carried away, but I just feel so good singing along. That is the one place where strange looks don’t bother me. Go ahead and yuck it up at my expense, at least my commute was enjoyable for the most part. That and my lack of shaving, and my lack of wearing make-up, those are the only elements in my life where I feel like I’m invincible. For some reason, I don’t give one iota other’s opinions on those 3 topics. It’s too bad I can’t bleed some of that confidence over to other things.

Work is going ok. I had some rough scheduling moments last week, and missed a few of my residents. I’ll make it up this week. The newspaper route is going well, save for crappy weather. One night it was so windy that we kept having to chase the lightweight papers and re-throw or place them somewhere we knew to be safe. Another night we had negative temperatures, and even with boots and double layered socks, my toes still froze. And last night the ice wasn’t too bad until what would have been the last 20 min any other night. It took us 90 min to finish the last 20 of route and drive home (also usually 20 min), so the ice essentially double the last portion of our night.

We’re ploughing through fuel trying to make more money, so it looks like first chance I get, I’ll be buying a used hybrid. It will help with fuel consumption massively, but it means that any other plans will be delayed again. Just go with it – right?!

Chocolate is my friend of late, with coffee a close second. I can see Nathan is literally wearing himself out and I’m helpless to do anything to correct it. I have a very intense feeling of “no one listens to me” that I’ve yet to conquer. Ian is smack dab in the middle of his terrible two’s, and I want for nothing more than spring to come or a giant winning lottery ticket or to be held and comforted- but I’d definitely take all 3 and/or more (if God’s listening). – “Om Gum Ganapataya Namaha”

Wow, that’s a lot. Not the desired progress, but it’s something right? Life goes on. Make lemonade out of lemons. Sleep when you can. Enjoy what you can.

“I am where I am, and it’s okay, it’s alright. It has to be because it’s all I’ve got.” -Abraham Hicks

Namaste

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