The Real Dirty Work Starts with a Bang.

 That is my leg with arnica gel all over it after meeting a sledge hammer in the worst possible way.  A physical manifestation of the proverbial 2×4 to the psyche.

It was January 1st: New year’s day. We needed to cut wood for the stove to continue with having wonderful heat.  I did what I always do- help. It doesn’t matter how busy I’ve been or how tired I am,  if there’s work to be done that I will benefit from,  I do my best to help.  New year’s may have been a holiday,  but really it was just another day in my life, so help I did. 

Nathan was using the chainsaw to cut chunks,  & I was using the maul to split those chuncks. All was going fairly smoothly,  but there was one section of log that just didn’t want to split. I gave up on it several times to split others. After about 30 min of swinging the maul and sledge hammer,  I’d caught up to Nathan & didn’t have any other large pieces to work with. So I went to give the stubborn piece one more try.  I got the maul into it again, & started to pound on the maul with the sledge.  It wasn’t budging, so I reeled back to give one really hard hit. As the sledge came down it grazed the maul just barely & continued full  force into my shin.

I saw stars – again!

 After falling off the steps just weeks before, it seems there’s a theme here like with Wiley E. Cyote & Road Runner. 

I hobbled over to the van to sit & put my leg up on the door. Nathan went to get ice & arnica. I knew since I could walk it wasn’t broken,  hairline maybe,  but not bad.

Ian kept asking: mommy what happened,  why are you crying.  I kept telling him:  I hit my leg hard, it really, really hurts.

When Nathan brought the ice,  my leg hurt too much to put it on, so I started to down Arnica pellets. For best effects you are supposed to space the pellets 15min. I think I was managing every 5min. After several rounds of pellets I moved inside,  applied the gel, & then managed to  gingerly rest the ice on it. About an hour later is when I took that picture.

At this point, 3 days later,  it’s still tender to the touch,  but otherwise you can barely tell anything happened.  I’m so grateful for Arnica.

Now, having had a chance to reflect, I see that I’ve yet again gotten the proverbial 2×4 to the head again.  What do I mean by that? 

Well, it seems that when the other side:  be it guides, spirit (s), ancestors, &/or God- (I’m really not sure whom); is trying to get your attention and you’re not figuring it out, they make you stop. Literally.

Every time,  something happens, which forces me to stop for a while.  I’m literally forced to take a break.

Now,  I’ve written about messages that I’ve gotten lately. So I believe I’m getting it,  but then they make me stop. So obviously I’m missing something somewhere. 

Maybe its bad interpretations on my part.  Maybe I’m not getting all of the messages. Humans, including myself, do tend to have selective listening. I’m really not sure, but I’ve had to stop and step back.

For some people that might be easy,  but for my rumination inclined mind,  it’s not.  That’s really my dirty work, and very difficult,  especially emotionally. 

How then do I analyze and interpret without ruminating?  The answer is still elusive to me, but I’m working on stopping the analyzing when it turns negative too long- thanks to some tools gleaned from therapy. 

So far,  it seems my new messages seem to be about focusing on myself for a bit.  Giving myself loving care,  slowing down, allowing myself to be more in the energy of healing.  I’m no stranger to these concepts,  and in general feel pretty good about myself, my strength, my skills, my determination, and my ability to love and find compassion.

 Many other traits as well, but I do admit that I often put others before myself. I frequently focus on others needs more than my own. I can be easily distracted,  and sometimes even a good distraction can be over played/ overdone, and I rarely allow myself to just be and rest.

  Yesterday,  I had a good friend of mine challenge me with the statement that everything is in your life for a reason.  She pointed out that if I’m seeing a pattern,  then it means I’ve not learned from it fully yet.  Things repeat when you don’t get them the first time.

Now, I’ve been off  of Facebook for a little over 2 months.  It’s been a good thing.  I’m less stressed, and those that really care have still stayed connected.  I’m grateful to know that I have a loving husband and supportive friends. That being said I still find plenty of distractions.  I merely replaced Facebook with thoughts and other things. 

My friend suggested that my online intrest might be just that.  He might be my brain’s substitution, essentially filling my desire for a distraction from all the rest. I had to admit she might be right. It could solely be my desire for a loving gentle distraction.

So I’ve intentionally pulled back to try & figure things out.  The last 3 days have been very messy emotionally. 

In my conversation with the friend yesterday she pointed out that there is some kind of energetic misalignment,  & she reinforced that I  need to figure out a way to be happy regardless of whether or not the relationship progresses.

Wow. I keep circulating back around to the feeling place of the connection. How I feel during conversations,  how my heart feels when I think of him, how it’s such a rare experience in my life. There are only 3 others in my life that have shared that connection: Nathan & to a lesser degree 2 of my best friends. I like these feelings a lot, I look forward to them. Intentionally shutting that off is hard.  I feel the lack very intensely.

I can’t help but wonder  why the connection would be so strong,  so unique, if it didn’t mean anything except a distraction.

Regardless, I’ve  logged out, leaving my  contact info behind.  I’ve pulled back energetically.  I’m working on reducing thoughts of him. I can’t help sending the energy of love and respect  and well wishes though. I  just feel I’m hurting myself by doing anything less or contrasting.

I’ve also started to analyze other smaller events of recent.  Attempting to glean messages I might have missed. 

This area is full of KState panther heads in their beautiful purple, but in the last few weeks I’ve frequently seen  it juxtaposed against a red boar- I have no idea whose logo it is, but someone said Arkansas. I think for me it’s less about team references and more about color theory and animal totem meanings. I’ve got a working theory about personality traits, but I don’t fully grok it yet. 

 Then there’s my burn…

Don’t worry,  I shot that while parked at the library. 

The shape is a perfect vesica piscis, having been created when I bumped my hand on the metal shade of my 200W light therapy lamp. The deepest part of the burn has scabbing from it being opened by friction during my massage work.  I can’t help but think of 3rd eye depictions like found on images of Shiva & Buddha. Am I supposed to see meaning behind being burned by light & finding inner knowing? It sounds straight forward enough, but that thought feels off, like maybe I’ve not got the whole interpretation correct.

Finally,  because I do a lot of driving, I seem to get a lot of messages through vehicles.  Bumper stickers, license plates,  etc. Lately there have been abnormally large numbers of repetitive characters. Loads of T’s (reference to my name perhaps), and gobs of GKS/GXS, CX, Z’s, & the number sequence with 9 (789, 897, 798, etc). I don’t really know what these mean. I’ve guessed the numbers might be something to do with birthdays or my placement on the emotional guidance scale (see below). Though I’m not sure, I feel like the x’s & k’s might have to do with kissing (o’s & x’s meaning hugs & kisses,  & kiss often is shortened to kk  or x when texting), & though I’d like it to mean kissing a certain someone,  I’ll leave it at the general idea for now.

Having a painful wake up call makes me hesitate a little on my observations & interpretations a bit.

I have definitely been hovering between “6. Hopefullness” and about “13. Doubt”, but most of my time is at about 9 or 10. Hence the numbers might be accurate.  Obviously I need to work myself back up the scale. Easier said than done.  But acknowledging that doesn’t answer what the letters & numbers mean.

Especially since the last one really shocked me. Sitting in multi-lane traffic, I realized the 3 license plates in front of me had a message.  Left to right the letters of each plate read: FEL, FER, FER. I told Nathan.  He tried looking up the letters. FEL  didn’t return anything useful: there was some female singer,  but he didn’t think it applied. FER returned several results: ” apparently it’s a last name to some. .. Fer is a night club”….  But the one we were both taken aback by is this logo:

Zagreb is in Croatia. I have no living connections to that part of the world, but I have 2, maybe 3, possible deceased connections.   Also,  my online friend is an engineer. 

Is it a stretch? Maybe. I also thought the important overlap of FE could be a reference to needing more iron,  but my diet is currently green stuff & lean meats. I’d think I’d be getting enough iron. 

So yet again,  I’m at a loss,  seeing a message, but having no real clue as to what the hell it means. 

So I’ve slowed down,  stepped back,  & I’m mulling over everything whilst doing my best not to ruminate.  I’m breathing deeply.  I’m listening to music so I can feel something other than my messy ball of emotional goop. I’m working just enough, & accepting anything that happens scheduling wise as vital and necessary.  Which means that yesterday I got a short nap,  and didn’t actually make any money. Instead I traded my  friend  cupping to help her neck & back,  and she guided me through cutting cords. It was a massively intense,  yet very helpful experience.  Yesterday was much needed, and I’m grateful for every second of it. Hopefully I’ll see the meaning/my answers soon,  and my emotions will calm.

For now:

“I am where I am, and it’s okay.”

I will survive,  and continue on this game of life regardless of what happens, I’ve made it 34 years,  I can do at least another 34.

I am grateful for meeting my dear friend online,  I wish him happiness,  health, prosperity, and that all his dreams come true, regardless whether he remains a part of my life.

I acknowledge that having a big heart and easily loving those that readily give me genuine attention, sometimes means I might end up feeling the sting of loss. Loss is part of life, and though it hurts, it is not permanent.  I’m a better person for the loving. “Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.” – Sir Alfred Tynison

I hope that this particular connection means something good,  and has lasting positive effects, but acknowledge it’s out of my hands. This one is not mine to solve, and regardless of what the end result is, I will remain true to myself,  stay strong, and keep moving,  heading toward better days. That’s all anyone can ever do- move forward in whatever that means. 

 

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