Gud Wryter 2… What to trust.

On May 12th, I wrote my original post “Gud Wryter” discussing my thoughts of what contributes to being a good writer. Since then, I’ve been mulling over related thoughts. It has occurred to me that people without dyslexia don’t really realize the complexity and ramifications of having dyslexia, and some people with severe dyslexia don’t believe that I was able to learn to compensate for having dyslexia on my own. I fall somewhere in the middle, mild enough dyslexia that I was able to figure out ways to compensate for it without extreme interventions, and thus I’ve always gotten along fairly well in school and work environments.

To that end I thought I would demonstrate my level of dyslexia by typing a post without using any spell-check or auto-correct functions. I decided that this would be better suited to a computer, as my android phone tends to put in completely different words when I misspell my intended word. So the following is my unedited writing on my topic today “What to trust.” I’m going to have a very hard time not going back and editing this! 🙂 ….

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I sit this morning porst route, all up in my head. I’ve learned through therapy that what I’ve aways alled “hamster-wheeling” is really termed ruminations. It’s when your brain mulles over something so much that it builds into being intesne emotion based reswponses, often negative. I’m working with my new therapist on exercises to help break the habbit, and find that its bvery slowly starting to help.

REgardless, this morning I am discovering that I’m having difficulty trusting my intiuition., and runminating a lot. If you’ve been keeping up with my posts, 3 posts ago, I wrote about a lvoe interest in my polyamorous world. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have fallen in love with a man I’ve never actually met face to face.

We’ve been messaging for the better part of a year, and it seems to me that he is a wonderful guinine man. However, I’ve had more meaningful and deepre interatcions with pepole in person. Not just a few times, but hundreds of times in my lifetime. So why then, am I falling in love with theis man.? There’s literally no real, life-ecperience reason to be in loe with him. It’s just a bunch of messages, that for most normal people would at best equate to a really good friendship.

Yet, I fele that he has chosen me very carefully and in doing so, opened up some connection that was probably already there. a latent deeper spiritual connection. IS it from a past life, or just something that we are supposed to learn form inthis lifetime? I don’t really know, I just know that for me it is really intense, and seeminlgly out of nowhere and for no reasson.

Nathan, my sonderful supportive husband, is fully aware of our interactions. I’ve shard every interatcion with Nathna and asked his opinion at every step of the way. Nathna has let em vent and air my frustrations and quandaries aloud on many many occaisions. He agrees with me that I am feeling something beyond our interactions. He has helped to calm my fears and talked me through every concern and every moment of feeling like I’m going crazy. I couldn’t ask for a more supportive persn in my life.

Now, I tend to be a spiritual person, as I posted about in my “320 million reasons” post, it sometimes means that I get anggry with god when things dont go as I think they should, but, I do acknowledge that there is a divine presence of some kind. Whatever this force is has always porvided me helpful synchronistic clues when something is important to my life journey.

These clues helped me when I met Nahtna and was falling in llove with him. I got information about his then wife and girlfirend and though I was hesitant to share that information with him, he swares that it helped him through points ofollowing when both his wife and girlfriendd left him in rapid succession. This same source prepared us when Anya’s mom was about to pass away by telling us it was coming when no one else would admit it. This same source helped me through a very trying pregnancy, esnsureing that I had a very happy healthy and supre smart baby. This same source has hekped us find rental homes at times, and has helped me make discisions when I felt like there were not any good decisions to be made.

To be fair though, I don’t consider myself psychic. These messages have only ever pertained to my direct life experiences. I have never gotten intense messages like this regarding other people, and definitely never with strangers.

Now this source is telling me things about this man that I’ve been talking to. It’s been conveying to me through a variety of means, all manner of input regarding this man. I know my intrepretations are leaning in hte right direction, because I’ve always gotten this intense tingly sensation up my spine when I’ve “hit the nail on the head” so to speak. That sensation has always been present, and we’re talking about a decade of divine message intrepretation.

So I’ve gotten that a lot of late. For instance, I know (believe based on these clues)  that he is afraid of ramifications fo being with me in a relationship sort of way, even though he intentionally sought out a polyamorous person. I know that becasue he hasn’t discussed things with his fiance, he’s petriified of screwing things up with his family, because he’s afraid that his fiancee wont agree to being poly. I believe that he might also be concerned about the logistis of a relationship with me. It seems He’s also really overwhelmed and confused over this stragne connection that we share, becasue he has felt it too, but it’s new territory for him. I’ve been told that we’re both having trouble trusting and listening to our intuitions. That ultimately we’re headed the same direction, but htat he’s going extra slow because of all of the confusion and fears. I’ve been shown moments with him in the future, moments that even in being just thoughts bring me great joy. I believe that I even know what he looks like even though I’ve only seen one fuzzy selfie-picture. I have felt him thinkging about me (several times), one of which was validated in a conversation with him later the same day it happened. Also, on several occcaisions I’ve felt his thoughts start out about me and turn toward the fears. Finally, at one point, he told me he’d moved to Norht carolina, and within hours of him telling me that, I got a very clear message that he hadn’t. That it was an unsuccessiful attempt at breaking the connection, he was so afraid of what he felt that he didn’t know what to do ecxept tell me he’d left hte city. The next time I conversed with him, I tried to subtly call that out, and as soon as I did I felt his reaction to  his realization of my knowing: a giant pit in my stomache and he quit talking.

I’ve sent a gaggle of messages since, and all I can think is: please let me in. I want nothing more than for him to admit the elephant in the room, and acknowledge our connection. I know he wants to know how to proceed and what to do, but I don’t think it;s that easy. I think htis is one situation where we won’t know the details until we proceed. I feel like its a one step at a time situation. In this situation the first step I feel is that he needs to admit he is still in KC and meet me. That’s all. Once that happens, one or both of us will figure out the next step. I dont’ have all the answers, but I know that he will be a wonderful part of my future. I look forward to that.

Nathan does too. Hes read our conversations, hes headr my feelings, my anxieties, my thoughts. Hes analyzed all of my synchrnistic divine messages and intrepretations, and he thinks I’m onto something. He says hes even tried to send prayers and energy to this man to help. It all makes me loce my husbadn even more. I couldnt’ ask for a more supportive person in my life. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to even be able to find love in multiplicity, and now I feel like I am on the brink of just that. The feeling of loving 2 poeple is so wonderful. The anticipation is immense. If even half of the images I’ve been shown come to pass, I’ll be on cloud 9.

I feel very deeply, always have, and with NAthan our years together have had chalenges for certain, but I would’nt have had it any other way. Our love has withstood the tests of time and we are still strong in our foundation. Would I cahnge things about our exeriences, or about our helath, Yes, most definitely, but I am ever so grateful that I have had Nathans support in all of my adult life.

Now, I feel that I could have that twice over and it makes my heart expand with joy and gratitude. I want to love this man and support hin in what ever he chooses, be there for him enotionaly. HE just has to let me.

And that is where the runmination and “hamster-wheeling”  catches me up and makes me second guess my intuition. I start thinking that every time he backs away he’s done. That he’s not coming back and that he has ignored everything ad moved on. Those thoughts make me sad and definitely create a negative snowball that overrides my knowing from divine synchronisity. MY human ego based brain for whatever reason wants to override my inner knowing and tell me the worst story ever. It becomes very hard in those moments to believe and trust myself and what I’ve seen and felt.

My therapist is aware of all of these things and I’ve told him about my relationship situation and this man. IT’s on the long list of things I want to gain control of, and so begins the anti-rumination work. Essentially we’ve started with a worksheet that helops to catch the rumination in process and stop the thoughts. So far I’ve used the worksheet’s process twice. Both times it helped to stop the snowball effect. Youd be amazed though how hard it is to catch yourself in automatic thought. Its hard to even catch myself several minuets into ruminating. But I’m committed, I want to be done with depresion, so if changing my diet, changing sllep habbits, chaging exerciese habbits, and doing these thought process homework assignments will solve it, then great- I’ll do all of that and so much mroe. I’m ready for positive things in my life, for my brain to heal, and to overcome all of my challenges- and hopefully that will include the love of another person in my life.


 

So there you have it. That is basically what my dyslexia looks like when I haven’t edited and proof-read something several times over. It’s not a 100% because I did still find myself using the backspace key occasionally (it’s really hard for me not to after years of correcting myself), so there are a few errors that I automatically corrected, but I think this is as close as you’ll get to seeing my true dyslexia. It’s a combination of mis-spelled, mis-typed (because my fingers get ahead of themselves), using improper tenses, and reversing or duplicating letters. I also tend to drop, or use too many punctuation marks. All of these things are what I look for when I am reviewing anything I’ve typed. Usually after 3 or 4 proof-reads I have found most if not all of my errors, and I can consider my typing complete. I hope this helps give perspective on what it’s like to have mild dyslexia.

 

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