Synchronicity – Wikipedia
Last week (7th- 15th) I spent a lot of time very angry and upset. I screamed at the divine “You have the ability to help me fix this!” The sentiment of the screaming was: I want to fix this- all of the things wrong in life and with me right now-and can’t, you can help. Why won’t you hear me and do so? !
Several days running, I screamed, and screamed during my commutes.
Thursday of that week (10th) I find myself at work crying. I just couldn’t stop. I tried going to the restroom. I washed my faced twice; the best I could do was slow the crying down to a gentle sob. One of the employees, which I’ve had many conversations with, saw me. He got me tissues and coffee.
He found his boss, the woman I coordinate with, & they pulled me into a quiet space. They spoke with me a long time, they gave me hugs, offered to take me to the hospital. After discussing that I didn’t have a specific plan, she decided the hospital might not be an appropriate option. They offered to find some resources and sent me home. Before I could even leave the parking lot they had provided me with resources to try, different ones than I’d already tried. I made calls & stopped at one of them on the way home.
It was such a relief. For the first time in ages, I knew someone I worked with cared (something I asked for in my post: Trying to Hinde From My Fears). Also for the first time in ages I was getting help without having to jump through thousands of overwhelming red tape hoops & paperwork nightmares. I felt relief.
The place I stopped at on the way home was a church that the nursing home coordinates with for services for the residents and certain holiday events. They provided real-time financial assistance and got me on the list for their volunteer therapist program. I’m on the waiting list and will be connected with someone there as soon as an opening is available. Again, I felt relief.
The other resource my co-workers provided was for KC Care clinic- formerly KC Free Clinic. I came to learn that affordable care act regulations prevented them from seeing people without some hoops, but that they still try to help.
I was able to get paperwork (2015 tax return, proof of residency, ID) & prof of insurance filed by the following Wednesday. They logged me as insured/uninsured because one medical appointment a year is covered, but everything else isn’t. After reviewing my financials I qualify for $10/appt and some prescription assistance.
I had a phone screening the next day and because of my answers the behavioral health counselor said she wanted to get me in as soon as possible. She stated that she had a good therapist- a grad student in mind (as licensed therapists were booked 3 months out) -that she thought would be a great fit. After agreeing to try him & playing schedule tag, we found a workable appointment the next day (last Friday) .
The following morning I had a plan to fit as much in as possible to accommodate the lunch appointment. But it seems the divine had heard some prayers finally (Thank you to those putting in a good word for me!).
My first clue was working on a woman that had the same physique and mannerisms of Nathan’s mom. I called him and told him he needed to call his mom, and explained why.
Then right as I’m trying to get one more person before scurrying on to my next location.
BAM! YOU JUST THOUGHT YOU’D HAVE PLANS!
My last lady was an 83 year old with COPD so bad that she needed oxygen constantly. She confessed she’d never smoked but had pneumonia several times as a baby, and spent the rest of her life with multiple severe allergies- which is probably what damaged her lungs. She told me she’d figured a lot of them out on her own, and shared a list uncannily like mine, but longer. She continued saying; after much trials & tribulations & several God given suggestions she’d ended up seeing a Doctor in Liberty that she later discovered was famous for his innovative treatments for allergies. It really helped, but later after having amalgam fillings removed she had trouble again. I told her about a detox I was going to try that’s supposed to help with heavy metals like found in amalgam fillings. I wrote the info down for her and took the allergy doctor’s info.
She then told me about a time when she’d fractured her hip & discovered she was allergic to pain killers. She said that she was hallucinating, she felt like she was in the TV, because she would respond to questions on the TV like someone was standing there asking her. She said she’d gotten really paranoid & was trying to lash out, but couldn’t because her body felt too heavy. She said that finally after hours of this, she got to where she couldn’t breathe & was slowly asphyxiating. The doctors thought she was dieing & after telling her daughter, her daughter made the decision to stop the IV’ s. She says within about an hour she was breathing normally, & several hours later it was like nothing had happened. She managed through the pain from the fracture & eventually healed just fine. She told me: you’re young, you have plenty of time to figure things out & just refuse to take anything that’s not whole organic produce into your body; you might be able to avoid COPD. I was stunned, but thanked her for her story, explaining I needed to go.
The conversation was 45 min long and meant I wasn’t going to accomplish anything else before my therapy appointment.
I called Nathan again and explained what had just occurred. I exclaimed why; why would the divine give me valid information to try to act on, but not the resources to do anything with it. I Just don’t get it. He said I know, just log the info, keep the doctor’s information safe and maybe it will work out soon. I said I doubt it because it’s not like this journey is new. Again he repeated I know, we’ll figure it out.
I went ahead and headed to the appointment. I’ve been to a therapist in the past, but it’d been a while- about a decade. I cant say I was excited, because my previous experience helped a little, but hadn’t produced lasting results- obviously. It also felt like failure. If I am needing serious help from professionals, then things have gone horribly wrong.
The appointment was much like I remember. Essentially sitting in an office talking to someone. Although in this case, the case manager that did the phone screening was there for the first visit- regulations, she told me. Lots of questions with uncomfortable answers. I can’t tell you how much depression hurts daily, and I have absolutely no words to describe how painful telling my life story to 2 strangers is. There was lots of crying. Lots of feeling ashamed. At one point I exclaimed that I can’t stand when I’m like this, I do things I wouldn’t normally.
We covered my journey with low thyroid, my journey with allergies, and even my past therapy and failed anti-depressant trials. They explained that the anti-depressants likely didn’t work because of the thyroid issues. I also told them about that earlier conversation with the 83 year old COPD patient, and I exclaimed: “Do you know how many times I’ve been to medical professionals with knowledge of severe allergies and long standing depression and no one ever mentioned that allergies could cause psychosis!” They genuinely listened. I felt some relief again.
As the appointment was winding down they left me with supportive words. This was the 3rd time in one week (co-workers, church people, and therapists) that I was hearing that I had hung in spectacularly. The jist of this 3rd round: They told me many people would have given up much sooner. They told me that I must be massively strong to talk myself out of suicide so many times, let alone avoiding hurting my family. They told me that I am an amazing mom for figuring out how to handle the time when my thyroid prevented breastfeeding. They told me that I had done the best I could with a whole lot of really difficult things that I couldn’t control, and that I was a wonderful supportive wife and mom. That I should just give myself a really big break, a pat on the back, and let others take care of me for a while, that it was time I came first. I CRIED SO HARD! I knew the words were echoing around my brain and bouncing off all the times I’d heard them before, but it’s just so damn hard to hear them when you’re hurting. Yet it was still relief.
Finally, the grad-student therapist explains he’s been working with a well known doctor that has studied depression for 20 years, and has discovered a link between inflammatory diseases like allergies, and depression. Essentially, he explains, inflammation on the brain can manifest in many ways, including depression. Then he explains that there is a connection between Omega 6’s and increased inflammation, and that maybe boosting Omega 3’s which are anti-inflammatory might help. He also says there are other factors at play, and we’ll spend the next visit going through questions and answers to see if this Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes program might help. He then gives me the info to see the doctors Ted-X presentation…. SEE HERE for the video
I can’t tell you how much relief that appointment was. They listened, and in the end, essentially they say I’m on to something, I’ve got a good start, I just need help figuring it out the rest of the way. If this program works, I can’t tell you how much relief that will be. Can you imagine fighting something for 21 years and finally finding an answer?
I’ve already watched the TedX video (which brought me to tears) and I’ve even increased my Omega 3 foods (mostly salmon) drastically since Friday. I’ve also exercised more this week. Previously, I was getting 1 to 2 exercise days a week. I’ve already added a 3rd this week, and I’m shooting for a 4th somewhere in there. I’m not sure if it is helping yet, as it’s only been 4 days and I’ve done more yelling and screaming in that time, but I am hopeful.
I’m just so grateful that there’s possibly something that could eliminate my decades long battle, and that GOD finally gave me some clues. Now if he could just open up a way to see the allergy doctor in Liberty. I would love to heal my body too!
Seriously though, I know I have people reading my words and praying for me and my family. I thank you all. I honestly believe it made the difference and triggered this chain of events, I’ve been asking for years, and it’s not until screaming for days while other’s are praying for me that I get some answers. I appreciate it more than you could know, it means that I have hope again of possibly healing my brain and body and being able to leave depression behind me. That means sooooo much to me. Thank you.