Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t.

So in my last post I wrote of a hormone swing causing my blood sugars to be high, no matter what I do. It’s quite literal.

I told a friend that I hadn’t had anything that wasn’t green, chicken or turkey in 3 weeks, and I was eating very small servings of everything.

She laughingly joked greens and foul, or foul greens. Ha ha. If it wasn’t for  the fact that I can’t  stand the sight of a salad right now, I might probably think that was funny.

I have gotten to where I’m certain that I’m eating about 500 calories on an average day, a nibble at a time about every 2 to 3 hours. It really is like when I was pregnant with Ian, but more extreme. The only up side being I’ve lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks.

That being said, acknowledging the pattern similarities and the fact that I know I had a hormone swing at the beginning of this mess, I can’t help but wonder if I am indeed pregnant.

Here’s the thing though, the hormone swing happened exactly 1 week after the only possible event to cause a pregnancy that’s happened since Ian was conceived. Between being careful out of financial reasons, being careful out of health reasons, my lack of sex drive to begin with, and Nathan’s struggle with Heart Diesase medication induced ED- it’s not like we were having careless sex on a regular basis. This was very much the only possible oops that could have led to such an outcome.

Now further more, the oops was on Sept 24th. October 2nd I’m at my midwife’s reunion party where she holds a potluck at a great park with a wonderful playground for all the families she’s helped to come have fun for the afternoon. My midwife Amber jokes: “so are you pregnant yet?” I scowl. She says “What?!”.

I explain I know I’ve had a hormone swing because my neck locked up and I’m fighting dizziness so bad it’s making me nauseous. I explain that it’s worse in the morning, food helps alleviate it, and that it is just like what happened when I got pregnant with Ian. I also tell her that I’ve taken my sugars and they are much higher than they were running the last time I took them (a couple of months prior). I tell her that I’ve been peeing on sticks trying to glean if that is indeed what is going on, and that I have plenty of test strips that are good till late next year- I’d bought a 50 pack online when Jennifer had recommended it for cost effectiveness. Amber laughs. She says: well just keep doing that then and let me know.

1 week later- nothing. I update Amber. We have a short discussion to refresh her memory of Ian’s conception. She says keep testing.

2 weeks- still nothing. She comments that I’m one of those tricky women. She’s not concerned, especially since I’ve already made diet adjustments and I’m on top of things.

3 weeks later- still nothing. She says she can do a blood test if I think I am, but not getting a positive. I respond let’s wait on that (knowing I’m broke and can’t afford it.)

Now I’m at 4 weeks and I’ve still not had a positive pee test, but no regular cycle either. I’ve even gone through 2 packages of EPT tests from the store.

I find myself hoping that stress is what did it. That I’m not really pregnant. I acknowledge that this would be a horrible time to have a child. We’re not financially stable, and our home environment is far from safe and secure. I’ve already been on government assistance, and that is the last thing I want to do again. It is a painful process and a vast majority of people look down on you for needing the help.

With that being said I’ve been in a committed relationship with Nathan for 12 years. 7 of that we have been married. I’m 33 years old and I’ve only produced one biological child (Anya is a step-child). I like to think of myself as being as socially responsible as possible. And socially responsible people don’t willingly produce children they can’t afford to care for.

Now, that being said, if I am pregnant, it was an accident. As a married couple this was the only time in over 2 years that we’d had a mistake. I think that is a pretty good track record.

Regardless, I keep circling back to what the hell am I going to do if I am. I can’t afford car repairs, I’m already spending $650 a month just on my health needs- just to maintain, not necessarily to improve. My current children are on Medicaid, and the only reason Nathan isn’t on Medicare is because Missouri never opted in for the extras on the Healthcare act, and his disability has never gone through.  If Missouri had done the healthcare act additions we would both qualify for adult coverage- we are that poor. Yeah us- not!

Nathan tells people when we really need money for something it’s always there, but I told him this weekend that his statement is a load of manure. I have 3 repairs that I have been sitting on because I don’t have the money, and the car is still running, so I can continue to ignore them for now. And every time something vital does happen, it means we miss out on other things, sometimes for 2 or 3 months afterward. I hate that.

So, then I start thinking about I need to make certain I’m not pregnant. I check into Plan B never having needed to use it before. I discover it has to be used within 72 hours of the offensive sex. Guess that won’t fix this.

Then I start contemplating abortion. Course you have to know you are actually pregnant for that, and it too costs money I don’t have. Bonus: people that are most likely to complain that I am using government assistance are also the people that are most likely to be vocally pro-life and how could you possibly think about terminating a God given pregnancy. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

Reality is that IF I had an Ideal Life Situation, I wouldn’t even contemplate abortion. I would be happy to have another child. Being that for years I was so unhealthy I couldn’t even get pregnant. My son stresses me out, but I’ve come to the understanding that it is part of being a parent. All kids stress all parents to some extent. And the happy moments do seem to be worth the stress and difficulties.

But the sad truth is that life sucks, BADLY, and it has caused me some very intense grief and depression lately. I’ve taken my anger out on just about everyone around me, including the kids. I see Ian act out the way I do. He has already learned my negative patterns. I fear that I have already done irreparable damage to his psyche.

So why on earth would I allow another child to be brought into this mess and damaged as well.

Because: Abortion is a no-good-terrible-horrible-low-down-dirty act that no respectable mother would do, RIGHT? But, if I keep the baby, I’d have to re-enroll in government assistance, and would probably end up allowing  my depression, anger, and frustrations to damage that child’s psyche because I have yet to break that pattern within myself. So, if I do that I’m no better either.

All of this leads me to believe that either I am cursed, horribly broken, or God really is just using me as a veritable whipping boy, and maybe all of the above.

I can’t fix this mess, and it just keeps getting worse instead of better.

If you are reading this pray for my family- I’m probably a lost cause.

I don’t honestly know what I’m going to do. If I have an unassisted birth, I won’t have all the costs, but things could maybe go wrong. If I have an abortion, I’ll probably hate myself even more. If I keep the baby and have my midwife back other things will go unpaid and I’ll have to do all of the horribly taxing red-tape to get on assistance again.

Of course this is all assuming that my intuition is right and I’m pregnant. I still have hope that I’m wrong and it’s a stress induced fluke. But I will have to succumb to a blood test soon if I don’t get a positive pee test- which is apparently possible (friend of a friend went 5 months showing negative even after positive healthy ultrasound).

Cross your fingers, say some prayers, send some good juju, do a spell, say some mantras for me- whatever your chosen path, if you ask, the divine might listen where he’s been ignoring me. At this point I’d take a to do list. As in if you do this and this and this, then I’ll solve the rest. Something along those lines would make me jump for joy as right now I feel like I’m lost at the bottom of a deep dark well, with no help or solutions in sight.

‘Nough ramblin’ for now. Good Night Y’all.

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