Burn, Fire Burn

I have struggled of late.  A lot. My friends know this & have given me as much support as they are able. Mostly emotional,  but then there’s Nate’s hands on support, Ashley’s childcare,  Jennifer’s transportation and brainstorming and financial support, and my dear Nathan’s everything. I have to say a huge thank you to them. I’m alive & functioning because of them.

Yet, I still find myself thinking seriously about burning literally everything & making myself disappear- not even knowing how to actually accomplish that, and at least as far as burning goes:  we have no insurance, so bad idea. 

I have to admit to myself at this point there has to be something broken inside of me.   I’ve tried so many things to fix this emotional catastrophe – yet even the best things only help,  none have fixed it. I keep searching,  but the outcome looks pretty bleak at this point. As much as I love the idea of the law of attraction,  it hasn’t done it.  It helps short term,  but inevitably I reach a moment where the law of attraction falls flat on its proverbial face. 

But let me digress a little bit for now.  This weekend I  made a conscious decision to attempt to appease two contrasting parts of myself.  I want to watch it all burn in angry firey yet cleansing destruction. Yet that part of me that so desperately reaches for petty just wants to make the ugly trash pile disappear, it wants to make things better. So, in acknowledging those parts of myself,  I thought… why not make the giant trash pile burn.  I was literally going to just set it on fire & watch it burn. 

Nathan thought better and restrained me to only burning wood or paper trash from the pile. He cautioned me against chemical fumes that the plastics & other odds & ends might bring.  I thought,  well maybe they would help me get out of this hell faster, but went ahead and did what he said, meticulously sorting before burning.  The depressed part of me wants an end for myself but acknowledges that maybe others don’t,  so I always end up acting in the greater good.

It  made quite the fire once it got going,  & even though it looks close to the power pole here,  it’s really almost 15 feet away. 

So as I’m setting out to start firey doom to trash,  along come 2 black and white kittens.  On their own accord they have arrived with the intention of making our yard home. The boy is very friendly,  & the girl more skittish. I can’t help but wonder why after we’ve already adopted two kittens,  two more willingly arrive. Nathan thinks I attracted them.  I would argue everyone in our family loves kittens,  so it wasn’t just my doing. 

So then I wonder,  are we in this nasty mess because our family can’t accurately agree on one thing to attract it into our lives? Is it simply that everyone has their own idea of home & the jumbled disjointed conglomeration of thoughts is what attracted the mess that I have come to think of as a disaster rebuild?

Anyway, as I’m sitting watching the junk burn,  the kittens are making friends with me (those are our new to me windows in the background). They’re very cuddly,  purr nicely,  & love to be petted. I can’t help but think,  if only we had a nice roomy home,  they could come inside.  I tell the kittens, which I’ve now called buddy & missy enough times it’s stuck, if you two had only shown up a week earlier you could be inside kitties. But, you’re cute,  so I’ll make sure you’re fed and have a warm place for cold nights. 

I did by the way.  Took the top half of an old dog house and fixed it up using old carpet,  so that they have a kitten sized cozy home. 

All while watching junk burn…. I even put in the fencing for duck to have his own run, & moved the growing chicks (really more of small chickens now at about 12″ in length)  into the coop partition.

You know, if I could spend my life sitting by a fire with kittens purring on my lap,  I think I’d fix my mental defect. That simple moment brings me so much joy. As does music in any form, & art usually does too.

The problem is that you still have to put food  on the table and in your tummy, you still have to have a warm place to sleep,  and you still have to interact with other humans. And all of those subjects are currently sources of massive amounts of stress and distress.  All of which I have no easy solution for.

I wish I did. I keep thinking that enough money & I’d  just take the time off to finish the rebuild & move the trailer. 10 grand would cover the most important parts of the rebuild.  30 would cover everything. 

Then … law of attraction disaster – I realize that there are literally millions of people driving a car,  probably not the only one they own,  that costs more than I need to make a safe warm home for my family, and that’s not to mention their home or “big kid toys”.  That doesn’t lend to liking society, or being happy with life or the divine. 

So then I try to redirect (LoA),  I have always loved food. Let’s eat something for a distraction. 

Yet another hurdle. My sugars are already high,  between stress & some kind of hormone shift,  I can’t for the life of me bring them all the way down.  So now food is like a super strict version of the prego diet.  Lots of celery,  greens,  & lean protein. Nothing else.  Not much for happy making there, and try eating your 4th small salad in a row to have a 176 blood sugar afterward.  Rawr,  hating life even more now. 

So then I think I need to find some happy- badly. I need to do something to take my mind off everything.  …. thinking…. thinking… everything that comes to mind involves both money and time.  Neither of which I have an ample supply of.  They also tend to involve other humans,  and right now I’d rather hermit. So another Law of Attraction fail.

*Sigh*. I just can’t win. I can’t spend 24/7/365 cuddling with kittens by a fire,  but I can’t happily commit to other activities.  Literally everything I do has  some level of stress  & depression trigger. Where’s the law of attraction now.  I have to do these things to even just get by. I can’t get out of them,  but I can’t find even a shred of happy in them either. Believe you me I’ve tried! I’ve even done the “I’m alive and breathing to try again today”, but then I get pissed off,  because it’s  not really a life I want to keep trying.I’ve even tried “at least I can walk & use my hands”, but then I think about how much they hurt because of all the hard labor. Arrgh! *Sigh*

Anyway, in the end this weekend was productive, with serene moments.  I would not call the entire weekend happy, but I did my best. I did yell, & scream,  but I also smiled some too. And I made BIG FIRE with lots of trash… mwah ah ah ah ah… much less trash for us to haul now! 😉

The angry fires cleansing my little patch of Earth helped soothe my soul a little.  I hope that I can find more of that,  especially without setting us back in construction!

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