Dreary, weary, exhausted; still chugging.

So I have a little bit of time to blog tonight. Quiet air-conditioned house of a friend. She’s at her kids’ game, and I’m waiting here to let other friends in when they arrive. I think this is the first quiet, ME time that I’ve had in over a month.

I miss that.

I’m introverted at heart, so when I don’t get that space it wears me down. I’ve worked very hard over the years, practicing my “smile like I care” face to deal with strangers and acquaintances on a daily basis for work. I’m pretty good at it now, but in my ideal universe I wouldn’t have to interface with the public- work with people directly. I think that is why I like Distance Reiki so much. I can still help people and provide healing services without actually having to socialize with the client. Socializing in and of itself is a stress for me. I do want to help people, but being able to do that without spending so much time conversing and socializing would be wonderful. Alas, for now I work predominately as a massage therapist, so I will continue to socialize to be able to continue to help people.

Beyond that, I love my family, very much, but sometimes- especially after having spent nearly a solid month in their company outside of work- I just wish they would go away and leave me alone. Being in a home with no walls is definitely a challenge for me. There is no space yet to call my own. Eventually there will be, but the biding of time is very challenging and I’ve already had multiple melt-downs. This is going to be an excruciating remodel process for me. I’m hanging in, but just barely.

There doesn’t seem to be enough thyroid medicine or lithium in the world for me right now, and I keep praying for my miracle healing so that my brain can make it through this time just a little easier. It seems that it will never come, after having made the same request of GOD for the last 21 years. I was telling my friend before she left that the few times I’ve used Pot as medicine, it’s worked. It helps balance my brain and take me out of Rage or Depression, to an even keel, and without even activating my asthma. However, it’s not legal here in Missouri yet, even as medicine. So  I keep trucking without it. If I get too desperate for mental balance I may disregard that and find some anyway, or take a day trip somewhere that it is. I just wish I didn’t have to break the law to get the only relief that I’ve ever found. Believe me, if the psych drugs had worked, I’d have kept taking them.

Anyway, I’ve been called Debbie Downer twice this week. I don’t like being Debbie Downer, and above all else, I wish I could change that about myself. I would love to be consistently happy, I’d love to get along just dandy having to be around people all day every day, I’d love for my emotions to maintain balance the majority of the time. I’d love to feel like I’m a sane human being.

AND I keep searching for answers to that puzzle. Every day of my life. As I’ve said before, I’ve found some of the pieces- it’s not nearly as bad as it has been in the past- but I still have a LONG way to go!

I keep chugging.

This heat wave isn’t helping. We’ve been 100+ degrees several days this week. The mobile home doesn’t have air-conditioning right now. And being that I haven’t made it to renovating the outside, it’s still pretty much a tin can. Do you have any idea how hot a tin-can-mobile-home gets when the outside temp is 104? I’ll tell you- it makes you wish that you were either dead or in Antarctica. Then to top it off, the battery and fuse died on my scooter, and the air-conditioning went out on our van. I have no way to cool off other than going to work or friends houses. People are gonna get sick of me, especially if I can’t keep my emotional shit together.

But, that’s life- keep chugging. Keep doing the best you can.

Eventually you’ll either figure out how to make things manageable, downright enjoyable, or die trying. I’m hoping for the former, but have resigned that the latter is entirely possible and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that, except keep praying to the God that doesn’t seem to have the time to answer my millions of prayers. Maybe, one day, he will, and it’ll knock my socks off. Maybe.

Keep chugging.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

 

 

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