Screaming or Cowbell?

So my weeks have been very busy. I’ve been in constant motion for nearly a month, having only had one day with any notable downtime. It’s not all been working, but a vast majority of it has been.

I’ve made strides to put my puzzle back together. Right now, with the help of wonderful friends; I have diet, supplements, exercise, and sleep mostly worked out and staying together. Also, I am getting a little bit of meaningful social interaction through staying with those good friends (though I sometimes apparently overly worry about being a nuisance and outstaying my welcome), and I feel like I could benefit from more socializing, if only there were a few more hours in my week, The one thing I am still lacking is enough quality light, but with 4.5 out of 6 puzzle pieces, I’m hanging in fairly well. Some Days better than others.

This last week, Tuesday was all about our weekly shopping and errands because between everything else it was the only opportunity. All day with a cranky toddler bouncing stores was difficult, but manageable. One of the stops was a friend’s house where I bestowed helpful gifts to her and she returned the favor by bestowing Nathan with a bunch of photography equipment. It made his day.

Wednesday was the icing on the cake. It was a fit-it-in the best-we-could, trip to visit my parents and brother in Iowa. One which was filled with little Ian being as cranky as he could be; hard for a 3 hour drive. At one point he saw a cow-bell that had been tucked under the seat since last Halloween, over a year ago. After screaming at his sister several times that he wanted it, I said “Just give him the damn cow-bell, it’s cow-bell or screaming, and I’m sick of the screaming.” So then we had several periods of cow-bell filled driving throughout the day, I’m not sure it was the best choice, but still a notch better than screaming.

We had lunch and a couple of hours of visiting with my dad, where upon he bestowed more gifts. I’m very appreciative of them because they were things I’d wanted but not been able to obtain myself. Additionally they represented confirmation of my most recent request for a physical manifestation that things were moving. I needed physical evidence of what I thought I’d been getting through my various messages. Dad’s gifts, and even the photo equipment from our friend, were definitely that, they were things we’d asked for and the universe just plunked them down into our experience. It was nice to have a physical manifestation of our process, and expressing gratitude over that was nice. I look forward to the rest of the journey now that I have some validation of what I’ve been seeing.

After visiting with dad we drove about 40 min further to see my mom and younger brother for dinner at an in-between-spot for everyone. It too was a nice visit. None of my family has the ability to host any of our visits, and we have equal inability to host any one of them visiting, so a few hours in a restaurant is as good as it gets. Yet it was good quality time.

The one thing that left me shaking my head is that both parents very clearly stated they were ready to check out, exit this experience, and croak. The both seemed very intent on making sure that I knew that and that they intended to be as little burden as possible. I found myself asking Nathan on the way home “Why on earth did my parents both tell me that? Isn’t it bad enough that I play energetic-grim-reaper with nursing-home-peeps all the time? Why do they have to express a desire to check out, to me? It’s like they asked me in as close of muggle vocabulary as they have, to help them check out – energetically, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Nathan replied with something like: at least they respect me enough to want to eliminate being a burden, and that they on some level honor and respect my abilities. I suppose, it’s just really strange, and I know I’ll miss them. Despite the strife in our family over the last decade, I will still miss my parents when they are gone. I suppose it just is.

I told God that I respected their choice to want to exit early, swiftly, and gracefully, and asked for divine assistance on that one. I can still send energy their way from afar, but I’d rather leave that one up to the divine. This is one instance where I’m personally not seeing the immediate benefit of someone relaxing into their croaking experience. I’m sure there is one, I just don’t see it, so I question whether or not my abilities would be helpful in this situation. Yet, I’ve told the divine I’ll do whatever is needed of me, and if that means zap my parents with Reiki then that’s what I’ll do. Just waiting on confirmation of that from the divine.

Any-who, beyond that I’ve worked a lot, gotten my bare minimums of exercise, and done my best to increase sleep. I think baby is wanting me to sleep 9 hours a night, but most nights I manage about 8. It means I constantly feel draggy, but functional. No naps, and not nearly enough caffeine to make up the difference. Yet, it is enough that I pulled out of the depression nose-dive I was in for a couple of weeks there.

I still think about my online boy. One of the friends that I have stayed with gave me an interesting perspective on the situation calling him a tantric twin, which is apparently very similar to, but not exactly the same as twin flame. I told her if that’s the case then I, Nathan and him are at least triplets, and being that I’ve had thoughts of another woman in the same energetic vicinity, there could be quadruplets. She laughed and said it’s entirely possible. Regardless she had some helpful thoughts on why I can’t let go of him despite the lack of communication, and offered some suggestions for me to try. The goal at the moment is that I’ve taken easy access off of my phone, and to that end I’ve been doing more guided meditations, mantras, and asking for my dreams to provide guidance. I know my mood is better and I’m more hopeful, than when I was constantly checking in and realizing he wasn’t going to respond.

It also seems like the divine does want something to come of it. I say this because of this:

IMG_20171117_121425_01

For work Thursday morning I went to look up Daily Devotionals for our morning devotional reading, knowing the residents were finding my droning voice unappealing. I literally typed Daily Devotional into the YouTube search bar on the work computer which I’ve never, ever, logged into using my personal information. It’s a generic computer that no-one logs into.  The top 7 results included what you see here. The first 3 were christian devotionals, exactly what I had aimed to find to appease residents. Then 2 were Shiva devotionals, more what I would prefer; but then I noticed one of the 2 was in Telugu. That’s the language I’d started learning just for the online man,  knowing that learning another’s language efficiently expresses how much you care about them. The bottom video on the list was Depeche Mode’s “Devotional” performance. As I listened to the first few minuets of that, I realized they were all songs that I had already associated with him. Additionally this was all after I had already seen visual messages telling me something was up with him.

I was left dumbfounded and questioning what I needed to take away from these experiences. Between my conversation with my friend, and my visual and video messages, I knew the divine was trying to tell me something significant. Yet again I found myself saying WTF? What are you trying to tell me.

Last night I said tell me in my dreams. Tell me about the near future. I dreamt of him, nothing else. I got to hear from him, and see him, and I was super happy about it, but his expression remained stoic. On the way to work I though about it. My conclusion was that it was one of two things, based on having experienced the reactions of others. My first thought was that he was playing the poker face, attempting to cover his true reactions to hide from the ramifications of what his reactions would mean. My second thought was the stoic face of melancholy depression, one that I fought years to learn how to hide behind a false smile. Either way my dream did not really provide any clarity for my messages the days before. I suppose that this is yet another notch on the patiently wait and see.

Regardless, that constant motion in my life continues, and now is no different. Off to find my sofa for the night and crash. A very tired, yet optimistic Treasa, hoping that perhaps the gaps in my understanding will find clarity on this night, both with my parents and with the boy. Regardless I still send love, it’s all I can do for now.

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Missing puzzle pieces.

“Only miss the sun when it starts to snow”- Passenger “Let Her Go”

It seems my puzzle has crumbled and I’m struggling to attempt to put it back together. Between longer nights with shorter days, cold weather, too little exercise, too little sleep, pregnancy hormones, and feeling generally overwhelmed, my puzzle has completely fallen apart.

I saw it happening, but felt helpless to stop it because most of the pieces were currently out of my control. How do you keep your needs met when things out of your control are major contributing factors? I’m still not sure I have the answer, though I’m working on an attempt.

The straw that broke the camels back was relationship strife. I was generally feeling like I was putting more into relationships than I was receiving in return. I fought with my husband twice. My online Beau quit writing again. I was generally feeling overwhelmed and alone, and like no one was valuing my efforts by demonstrating equal efforts.

I knew I’d fallen in the hole despite my best efforts not to.

My climb out is difficult and arduous. I can see the top, but just can’t seem to reach it.

I can’t fix the sun disappearing, but I’m doing my best to figure out how to get more artificial light. 

The driving hours on end was threatening to prevent light therapy and exercise and sleep, all in one fell swoop. So I’ve taken to staying in the city at all costs. 

Not wanting to overstay my welcome with friends, I’ve now slept in my car once, and then in my “office” once. My office is more a storage closet with a small desk, but the floor is big enough for a mat, so that’s what I did. There was also a part of me that acknowledged that I’m not good company right now, and I just couldn’t find the energy to be social to acknowledge the graciousness of my friends allowing me to stay with them. So in my brain the car or storage closet was better than having to put happy face on, and not having to worry about others hearing me cry in the middle of the night. I feel ashamed for having fallen in the hole when I know what my puzzle is, just because I failed to maintain it.

Additionally, staying in the city, I’m not necessarily saving any money because what I would have spent on fuel was spent on food. However, it has meant I have gotten more exercise and more sleep.

 I have yet to find a solution to get more light therapy. I’ve thought about putting a light somewhere at work, but finding a place to mount it that’s the right hight and location for more than 30 min of my day seems to be the biggest challenge. I’m trying to figure out if I can find a clamp light that I could take with me from room to room, but I’m just not sure if I will be able to find mounting locations at the right height.

There has to be a solution somewhere, but once your brain is struggling it’s extra hard to figure out the solutions.

I keep hoping that my husband finds a new home soon, because that would be the overall solution for everything. However, it seems like pulling teeth to get him moving faster. It’s not that he’s not trying, it’s just he doesn’t get how to manage time efficiently and maximize his days to get the most done. I’ve tried to explain how I juggle things, thousands of times over, even providing others’ websites for guides, but he still has days where he spends all day making a few phone calls and doing a handful of mineal activities, not actually accomplishing anything significant. Then when I point out that something has been being asked of him for 2 or 3 months he gets defensive and tries to argue with me. I just don’t know how to encourage more efficiency and speediness in his actions.

I truly understand the old adage “men, you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them”. I love him, and would be devastated if he were gone, but I’m at my wits end and just need him to have things done. All the way, moved, settled and my puzzle solved so that I can get back out of my hole. 

I hate being in the hole, it’s not fun, and especially knowing the cause and solution. I find I’m extra upset that I can’t get out. I need relief, something fierce.

Abrahams’ quote today was:

“Get so fixated on what you want, that you drown out any vibration or reverberation that has anything to do with what you do not want.”
This blog post has not been that, but now that I’ve vented/explained my-self-state, it’s my hope that I will be able to refocus on those things I do want. As I’ve mentioned before, once I feel like I’m heard, I can often release things enough to get my brain on to other better topics. Hopefully this follows true.

My topics of choice:

New home close to work with new Ikea beds, more sleep, more exercise, and more light. At this point it looks like a rental will be the solution for now, just needing to find the right/best one.

Better relations with hubby and Beau.

Moving toward progress, saving money for baby and Atira.

Hopefully moving toward miracles. Even being depressed my brain occasionally reminds me of good visions I’ve had in the past, especially the one where I’m holding baby (3rd child) standing outside the dome with my family. If that vision of over 9 years is accurate, there’s likely a miracle inbound. I’m doing my best to refocus on that today, if my brain will cooperate with me just a little bit.

Please keep me/us in your prayers and send us good thoughts of progress. I’ll keep fighting like I always have, just another hash mark on the battle board. I haven’t lost the depression war yet, in 22 years of fighting, so even though I face my doubts of that regularly, I feel like I’ll eventually win the war for once and for all.

You might be tired if…

– you fall asleep at QT fuel stations frequently. 

– you miss an appointment that you scheduled yourself for the first time ever in 5 years of self-employment.

– you start to head to another appointment a day early.

– you make it to the only Halloween event that your family is going to this year (compared to dozens in previous years), and promptly take up residence on the only sofa.

– your costume is a store bought witch hat & your only black skirt worn over your work clothes. (previous years costumes were very elaborate)

– every spare moment is meditation opportunity, but often turns into a catnap sitting up straight.

– perfect strangers comment that you look tired, and ask if you’ve had a long day.

– your coworkers express sympathy for your fatigue several times a day.

– every opportunity to sit is taken with a huge sigh of relief.

– you started to refer to yourself as an urban zombie.

– you take your husband’s head off over stupid crap instead of giving out the usual hugs and kisses.

– you fall asleep and when your alarm goes off in the morning, your immediate thought is “no way, I just set that a few minutes ago, did I screw up!”

– you have no recollection of your night except your one groggy potty trip, though some nights not even that.

– you realize that your first real day off is a majorly fun holiday and your only thought is “I can sleep in, or maybe the whole day!”.

– you fantasize about your online boyfriend, and it really just involves a good kiss and falling asleep in his arms.

– you find yourself frequently thinking “focus, what focus; I have no ability to focus on anything anymore”…. That or just inadvertently staring off into space even while someone is talking to you.

– you feel like a real live Igor; limp, haunch, and all.

– you realize your 2nd prenatal appointment is in a few days & hope your husband remembers everything important for you.

– you discover you’ve lost 30 pounds in the first trimester from your spectacular diet and pretty good willpower, but you’re inner voice responded with a monotone “that’s great, another 7 months to go.”

-hard surfaces frequently get turned into imaginary pillows.

– and finally: writing this makes you want to crawl into bed, even though you’re sitting in a friend’s house an hour from home.

Weird, just plain weird.

So I know that God is working on helping me. How I know is things just keep getting stranger by the day. I keep repeating “I see that things are changing, I’m doing my best to trust, and I’ll do whatever you want me to and do my best to see the positive in everything.”

I just wrote last night, but it seems today has brought more twists and turns and I need to process. I have the time because I’m house sitting for a good friend who also happens to be a fellow massage therapist, which means we trade quite frequently. It’s great, her style is very similar to mine, and we mesh well on many levels. Her pooches even love me, so she asked me to sit her dogs knowing it would give me another opportunity to skip some driving. I’m much appreciative. I feel much more rested when my day doesn’t involve 3 hours or more of driving. So that is how I’ve managed to fit in not one, but two blogs this week.

So, that’s not really weird, just amazingly helpful. Where is the weird then?

I got to work with 15 minutes to spare this morning, and knew I needed to punch in about 10 late for having gone over the previous day. I proceeded to leisurely prep for my day knowing I was essentially working off the clock, but knowing full well it was my choice. I was essentially going through the craft room seeing what was available for the crafting activity later in the day. I became so engrossed in my explorations finding cool things to work with that I ended up clocking in nearly 30 min late, not just the 10 initially planned. Not a big deal, and I figured my day would provide the opportunity to correct that, which sure enough it did.

That was just a taste of weird. In the crafting activity I set out to provide options, ones that I had seen done at other buildings where I do my massage work. I thought surely that one of them would be welcomed. After laying out all of the supplies and describing the choices, I looked around to a silent room of blank stares. NOTHING! Really!  So, I proceeded with plan B and began walking through how to make a wreath using a simple wire frame. If no one wants to participate, then live action crafting show it is.

About 3/4 of the way through making the wreath a person to my right is grumbling about how she doesn’t think it is going to work or look nice. Then the woman directly across from her starts complaining about why are we just sitting here and not doing anything. I replied directly to her that it was because I brought out materials to do a myriad of crafts and gave 5 specific examples and a room full of adults couldn’t tell me anything they wanted to do. I then explained that they were all adults with opinions and desires, and that I was doing my level best to provide them with enjoyable activities, and that they could provide constructive input and offer suggestions instead of just complaining or sitting like bumps on logs. I then revisited the initial offer choices and asked her directly if she wanted to do any of them, at which point she said no. I said fine then, does anyone want to do any of them. I got 2 responses out of a group of 10 people. SO I proceeded to help the 2 people complete their choice and then moved on to finishing my wreath.

Employees thought it was hilarious because the one that complained the loudest apparently does that to everyone, I then ended up having a discussion with my co-worker about how instead of having comedy hour at my expense they could offer up suggestions or help. She said it really wasn’t like that and they meant no foul- really just finding amusement that I was essentially one of them, being treated the same way by the resident. I said well, I can understand where the humor comes in, but that they could have filled me in on the potentiality of that, and ways that they as staff have learned to diffuse the situation. Reiterating that I am the newbie still and I simply don’t know these things because the faces are still relatively new to me, I simply don’t have a full understanding of their backgrounds yet. She conceded that I had a point, and we came to an understanding of some possibilities of how to catch me up to speed. Also, she did let me know that if Aids are not busy I can ask them to help (something I was unsure of and explained to her that some of my buildings that is off limits and not even possible).

In the end I think that even though I got frustrated it was ultimately a good outcome and the discussion with my co-worker was definitely fruitful.

Later, I ran into the lady that recommended me for the position (now my boss’ boss) and I told her all about it. She said that there will always be those days, and did reiterate that some of those things will die down once I do get a better grasp of the people I am working with. We had a good discussion about many of the factors that contribute to moments like that. She then let me know that the person that switched from my position, to take a position with the other side of the building, didn’t come in for work and that they were again down a person. She confessed that the other employee had gotten overwhelmed with the position she was in, and they didn’t know if she would be back. I gave an apology and said let me know if you need anything. At the end of the day I went back to ask her about my time off request for the December Choir/Orchestra performance, and upon leaving I got a nudge to be more specific about my earlier comment. I told her that I realized it was between them and the employee, but that if the other person wanted their job back I was willing to switch or do whatever was needed by the company to help with that. She asked me if that was affected if it meant working 5 days a week, and my reply was simply I’d make it work. I said that “I just really wanted you (boss/friend) to know that I would be willing to do whatever is needed of me” (echoing my internal dialogue with God). All of this was in knowing that I took the position because of divine influence and I am really doing my best to follow the rabbit trail. As soon as, the words left my mouth I felt the classic tinglies down my spine that have always acknowledged that I did/said the right thing. She then confessed that her and the building director had actually had a conversation about that possibility the previous week, before the employee failed to show for work.

I finished my day out showing the residents, at least that were interested, my favorite show. “Kindness Diaries” on Netflix.  I had talked about it earlier in the day and they were interested. As I showed the first 2 episodes, they were hooked, they actually stayed awake (all but 1) and they would comment on things that were going on in the show. It may have helped I served cake and tea while watching the 2nd one. Surprisingly, my complainer from earlier became quite chipper and content. It also helped my mood at lot to have a touch of “Kindness Diaries” in my day. Ultimately they were so interested that we ended up watching 5 episodes back to back and having a volley of discussion occasionally.

So, essentially my day had some odd time glitches, an uncomfortable exchange with my charges, and ended with the possibility of getting a sideways promotion and some feel good TV.

I have no idea if I would get a raise, but I do know I would get more hours. It would make for stable adequate income and once we were moved and had finances straightened out (budget), I could begin to slowly eliminate some of my massage work. I’m not sure the extra day a week would be enough income to completely drop all of my massage work, so I probably wouldn’t. Also, there are 3 buildings that I am getting along great in anyway. So those 3 contracts I would probably keep alive and going as long as I could manage. Though it has occurred to me that I need to renew my liability insurance and re-up my CPR certification to keep doing my massage work. So many things, so little time!

I have no idea where this ride is headed, but it seems I keep holding on and finding faith that it is headed toward the great things I’ve asked for, for so many long years. I simply can’t explain the odd synchronicity any other way. I’m just constantly looking for the path of least resistance anymore, and it seems at every turn something strange launches me toward the next interesting step. If nothing else life has definitely gotten more interesting!

Myriad Musings

Despite being ultra busy of late, so busy that this is my first real blog post in weeks, my mind has been mulling over a myriad of topics.

I’ve thought about my stranger of love: not wanting to give up on him because of my feelings for him, but acknowledging that is precisely what I suspect him to be attempting. I still wish and hope that he finds a solution to meld his paradigm with mine. I find that I’m having to word it that way, because I have tried my level best to offer up options to no avail, and to this day he has controlled the flow of communication. My divine messages keep telling me just a bit more patience, keep the faith, but I find that there are increasingly more moments where my faith slips and I think it’s all been for naught. I do always cycle back to believing and knowing because of the energy connection, but it is taking me much more patience with myself it seems. Meditations are always fruitful, always calming my nerves, grounding and centering, but often providing me insight. Yesterday’s meditation gave me insights into his perspective, explaining that his fear lies in the unknowns and being unable to control the experience completely. It was conveyed as being compared to taking a drug for the first time, even if the drug is supposed to be helpful, but not knowing the side effects, or the intensity of the known effects on an individual’s system, and knowing that once it is started one can only endure until the drug subsides (which BTW is why most medications dictate that you refrain from driving or work until those elements are known). The meditation also gave me insights into his perspectives on my qualities that he is drawn to. I have to say I didn’t expect that and was in a bit of disbelief and cried. When I told Nathan about the meditation and what I was shown, Nathan agreed with every bit, and I again found myself teary eyed. My biggest question for Nathan was, is honesty really that rare? I feel like the perspective I was shown, my honesty was being viewed like a warning flag, like it is so unheard of that he couldn’t understand why I would tell him so many things. I struggle with that because I just don’t know any other way. Lies always bit me in the arse one way or another growing up, and I learned very early in life that the only okay lies were white lies such as: convincing small children the Easter Bunny or Santa is real, or like hiding gifts and squirreling away money for rainy day adventures. Anything deeper or darker was just too risky because if you were discovered you would get doubly in trouble for the lie and the poor choice, and if you weren’t “caught” it would inevitably cycle back somehow anyway. Perhaps that is why I have no trouble with the concept of Karma. Regardless, I was befuddled by the concept of another person perceiving my honesty as being too much, that my honesty might somehow be covering something else. So, on one hand I was embarrassed , on another blushing disbelief, and another disappointed to find out that I still (20 years after the first incident) am striking fear in other good human beings. Maybe my meditation is completely wrong, but then if I find it is, I may loose what shred of self-trust/confidence I have.

Another topic that ran through my thoughts this week was about names. More specifically when given names reflect someone that is in god’s graces or god him/her-self. This is actually quite common in many cultures: Diana, Brighid, Thor, Jehova, Adonai, Ajax, Calliope, Camilla, Daphne, Grace, Helen, June, Lilith, Penelope, Phoebe, Arthur, Damon, Griffin, Paris, Paul, Jesus, David, Solomon, Mary, Teresa, Shiva, Lakshmi, Sarah, Trisha/Trishna, Muhammad, Sai, Krishna/Krish, Gautam, and the list goes on. Where it struck me as interesting enough to contemplate more than once, 2 fold: I and many I know have names on that long list, and I and several of those people I know experienced some level of bullying or teasing over our names. My given name Teresa, got used to mock me relentlessly because I was a child right when Mother Teresa was doing great wonderful things that were hitting the news. I was somehow supposed to be some grand perfect person just because I had her name, and I can’t count the number of times that I told someone to stop something and they would reply “Oh, yeah, what are you going to do about it Mother Teresa”. At this point in my life I understand what an honor my name is, which is why I merely chose an alternate spelling, but back then I just wanted to punch people and had to sit on my hands. I’ve met Jose’s and Jesus’ and Joseph’s and Mary’s that had similar stories, It made me wonder though, having met also some Muhammad’s, Sai’s, Shiva’s, Diana’s, Thor’s, and others, if this is a universal issue, or if it just pertains to very christian names in very christian cultures. None of the others’ I’ve met with alternate culture versions have spoken of quandaries like this, so I honestly don’t know. Do other cultures have the same bully problems? Do children in other cultures have this messed up sense of knowing that a name is supposed to help someone have godly qualities, but being children and recognizing that we are all humanly flawed, somehow makes it ridiculous enough to mock that person bestowed with such a name? And my other thoughts were if kids can see the fallacy of hoping a name alone will improve someone’s character or bestow blessings, then why on earth don’t they mock the parents that bestowed the name and not the one that had no say in the first place? Furthermore, if kids can understand a name’s meaning, then why is that so comical to bully with it, why not just say “dude you know you have a name that means _____, that’s cool”. But perhaps it is merely a symptom of this culture I’m in, and perhaps it doesn’t happen in others. If so, I’d say we need to do some major cultural relearning. Just my tired thoughts on a somewhat random tangent.

Beyond that, I’ve thought about moving, our piles of stored belongings needing yet another sort. I’ve contemplated furniture requirements, especially that of Ian needing his own bed, but having nowhere to put it until we actually get moved. I’ve thought about doing a bit of a dresser shuffle to give the kids our old set and get us a new set. I’ve thought about purging and cleaning. I’ve had lots of thought invested into the new job, how it’s going, things I want to do, and how things I’ve already tried panned out.

Today I read a couple of articles out of one of the “Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul” books for our daily devotional talk, and by the end of the second one I was basically in tears in front of my residents. Me a non-christian reading devotional material to a bunch of 80+ year old christians, and I’m the one that breaks down in tears. What amazed me the most is that after that moment it was like they saw me as a caring fellow human, because they all interacted much more, and 2 of the stubborn ones dropped their stubborn for the day. The one, whom I’ve been told doesn’t like being touched, actually came up and took my hands. He isn’t able to communicate very well anymore, but I could tell he was trying to say that it was a very touching reading. I thanked him and let him know that I appreciated his sentiment and that I was very happy he enjoyed the reading and discussion. It was a very feel good moment.

The rest of the day included a very unplanned succession of balloon related interactions. There was the book that majority vote won for the reading hour about hot air balloons, the visiting Halloween performer: a witch, that made balloon animals, hats, swords, flowers, and fishing poles… even flying balloon “darts”. Then afterward we played some picture games which 2 involved aerial related topics, and finally we revisited the hot air balloons via YouTube. It seemed synchronistic, but I have yet to determine a meaning, if any.

Positive aspects.

Abraham Hicks suggests making lists of positive aspects to help focus on things you want. This is to help clear the mental clutter of unhelpful negative thoughts, fears, and worries. Today I’m feeling very tired, and when I get very tired I tend to slide negative. So in an effort to counter that, I’m going to list positive aspects of my husband and children, at least as I have a chance, here and there. If this takes all day, or even 2 or 3 days, then so be it. At least I know my tired brain will be contemplating good things. Beyond that it will help my body to come into alignment with my new super busy energy needs.

Husband:

  • Kind, caring, and likes to make others happy.
  • Beautiful eyes (really he’s beautiful to me in general)
  • Intelligent
  • Hard working
  • Diligent, does his best to pay attention to details.
  • Thorough, Does his best to make sure things are done well.
  • Very, very supportive.
  • Good father- patient, understanding, helpful, gentle.
  • He knows how to control his anger better than I do, and thus is able to temper disciplinary actions better than I do.
  • In many ways he’s a great teacher.
  • He’s able to let go and take things easily (especially compared to me).
  • He has figured out his own functional mess/ organization needs, and is mostly able to maintain the important elements.
  • He is mindful of others needs.
  • He puts others first (almost to a fault).
  • He finds happiness easily, and allows occasional distractions to help him see beautiful moments. (not so focused that he misses the good stuff).
  • He’s compassionate.
  • He loves and cares for animals.
  • He wants justice and equality for all.
  • He is open and accepting of all walks of life, even when he himself has beliefs that may be contrary to those he’s dealing with. He’s very understanding and can still have healthy conversations with those that do have different views.
  • He supports change, moving toward politically accepted equality, protections for everyone’s rights, and for bettering our country & planet through green energy and alternatives in power/utilities/ construction resources. He has often spoken out, assisted rallies, and donated to many just causes.
  • He has gentle loving  touch, and I really appreciate cuddling with him.
  • He does his best to help me relax and de-stress, and has gotten much better at giving massages over the years.
  • He is mindful of his actions most of the time, and does his best to balance necessary things against those that are desired, when managing his time.
  • He’s soft/cuddly, but strong.
  • He does his best at any given moment to manage his health.
  • He’s working on being mindful of his eating & sleeping habits, and thus is working on improving himself.

    Daughter:

    • Very smart.
    • Considerate of others.
    • Friendly, nice
    • Gentle (most of the time).
    • Interacts with her brother well most of the time.
    • Loves her family & friends.
    • She’s willing to learn, change, and grow. She understands the importance of self-improvement (Nathan says mainly because of me… I don’t know for sure).
    • She loves animals as well and that’s where I see her compassion the most.
    • Loving.
    • Beautiful. I know your kids are always beautiful in a parents eyes, but I’ve been told she is by others as well.
    • Strong.
    • She loves to run (which is more than I can say about myself).
    • Good with horses & cats.
    • She’s getting better at cleaning.
    • She’s learned lots of things on her own, and even more with help.
    • She does her best to help out.
    • She still enjoys playing.
    • She’s getting better at thinking critically- working on seeing the results of her actions.
    • She does her best when doing chores and gradually improves the outcome of her efforts.
    • She now sees the value in honoring shared spaces and doing her part to keep her things in her space.

    Ian:

    • Very, very smart.
    • Super healthy & takes vitamins willingly.
    • Very cute and adorable
    • For a 3 year old he’s already loving & compassionate (those qualities come and go depending on the day, but considering he’s only 3 that’s still great).
    • Very communicative and demonstrative. 
    • Expressive and full of words.
    • Uniquely himself… There are things he’s done since birth, let’s us see the inner him.
    • Connected to source in a big way, pure, positive connection… Regardless of how my  often-disconnected-self perceives him at any given moment.
    • Very strong.
    • Gentle with pets.
    • For being 3, he’s relatively cautious to be safe.
    • He’s also relatively respectful.
    • He’s mastered use of swear words, even when it’s appropriate to use them (totally my fault).
    • He likes being outside, running, and playing.
    • Knows when he’s messed up and his apologies are genuine.

      So for having taken 4 days to complete I feel like this is a short list. Yet, to be fair, I had very small time segments to work on it, and I re-read everything written  each time I went to add something, so that I wouldn’t duplicate myself. So, each time I got a chance I would only have time to add a couple/few items. It’s a good start. I may have time later for an update via computer, so cross your fingers for me.

      Short update.

      Job is going great. I’m 3 days into working solo, having gone solo 2 days earlier than expected. The biggest hiccup so far was that the movie I was supposed to show for the matinee was no longer available, and knowing I wasn’t allowed to purchase movie viewings (corporate restriction due to group viewing fees), I had to call in supervisor judgement. They ended up telling me to pick from a few similar choices.

      Easy enough fix.

      The hardest part has been the daily driving, and a friend of mine kindly offered a night in their guest bed. I wasn’t sure if it would actually help, being just one night, but it really did. I literally got an hour of decompression before bed, and 90min extra of sleep. It was quite wonderful. I’m grateful.

      My son is mad at me. He’s not seen me in 3 days, really almost 4. So he just told me “go away mom” when all I wanted was a hug & kiss. So I did.

      I watched him walk over to dad at the campfire, and I found a picnic table. Tonight is the group hay-rides at Aldredge Orchards, a great place off 152hwy, north of Kansas City. Anyway, by the time I drove up from work I missed the hayrides. Then to be rebuffed by my child, I am just ready to go. I do have another work day tomorrow. Yet, I know my son will eventually get over being mad at me, and I also know that he really just wants my attention. So in a weird way I appreciated that moment.

      Nathan just acknowledged all of that exchanged, so we’re heading out. Have a good evening everyone.

      Now for the good part.

      I’m definitely pregnant. The midwife couldn’t get the heartbeat with the dopplar, so she pulled up baby on a basic ultrasound. Baby wiggled and flipped, they did see the heart beating briefly amidst flipping, so we know it’s doing great, we just didn’t get to hear it this trip. Next visit will be a month from now. 

      See:

      The dark oval-ish shape is the amniotic fluid. Placenta is the squished splotch just above that.

      Baby’s head is the lighter splotch nearly dead center. Arms just to the left of head, and legs tucked to the left of arms. The top image baby has hands either side of chin.

      It was adorable and mushy making. Made me happy, and I’m finally feeling like I’m on track again.

      I’m down to about 228lbs, and we reviewed what all went on with Ian, and thus how I’ve been doing so far with this one. We talked about diet, thyroid challenges, exercise, how much weight I lost with Ian, and how with the thyroid stuff I had so much trouble after his birth. We talked about progesterone levels and maybe needing to use some cream to help with that. We also talked about working proactively to avoid the post birth fall off I had with Ian. I love having such an excellent midwife with such a broad knowledge base. 

      She even brought up the new jobs’ insurance, saying that if I do a deposit, she can run birth costs thru insurance and I may or may not need to pay anything else later. So awesome! I love my midwife!

      Needless to say I’m great in general (minus the homeschool group stuff), and really looking forward to the next prenatal appointment for heartbeat sounds.

      No news to report otherwise, but I’m hoping I’ll hear something soon on other topics. Be well my dear readers!

      Rawr!

      This is going to be post one of two today. This one because I feel the need to share and release (hopefully finally) a huge negative. The next post will be much more positive.

      ======

      The pre-teens & teens in the homeschool group went stupid. They’re actions could have lead to someone’s death if not for one older smart child, as it is only a handful actually hurt themselves physically. Yet in the aftermath I feel like all the parents want to treat them with kid gloves. The only difference between them getting off the hook now and being in jail for child endangerment is merely 4 years difference in age. Yet the parents want to be ever so cautious in how they convey information life they are afraid of their own children. They really should be more afraid of the consequences of not getting through their thick skulls quickly.

      Anyway, I had written the following as a speech I’d intended to deliver at our teen night. Nathan forbade me not wanting to loose friends. I however, went ahead and supplied it to parents via email, where I got exactly the typical response. “This might be too harsh for my baby, I should have the right to tell them how I see fit.” Well OK. I warned you, I gave you resources, I gave the opportunity for help. If your child hurts themselves further I’m off the hook. I did what I could.

      …. So, for any other parent that might be dealing with something similar, feel free to share this with your child. That is if you’re not afraid of scaring sense into them. Hopefully since I’m dealing with a bunch of chicken whimps wanting to baby and coddle their children, this speech might help someone else. It’d be nice to know that someone somewhere cares enough about their kids to take swift, appropriately  intense action to wake theirs kids up before their brains completely shut down.

      =====

      Hi everyone, I’m going to keep this as short and to the point as I can. It has been brought to my attention by more than one person that there is unhealthy discussions and actions in our group regarding Depression, Suicide, and cutting. My goal here is to correct that and create a space where everyone understands and utilizes more healthy approaches to the topic.

      Why me, why am I the one doing this? 5 reasons:

      1. I am outright angry, no livid, that this has been happening for months involving multiple children, and with total exclusion of adults. I’m livid because the premise that a handful of 12 to 14 year olds thought they had the skills to determine the level of safety of other children. That not only did they lie to parents, hide information, and create a clique of secrecy disguised as a family, but that their actions literally put children’s lives in danger. I’m especially livid because one of the most affected children was my own. Actions that my child and other children took were enough to get them locked in a hospital without rights for weeks, but this group of children essentially convinced each other that they had everything under control and were in no hurry to fill adults in. It is obvious from those actions that despite what they’ve told themselves and each other, they do not value or respect their lives as much as any of the parents do. It is also a blatant action of disrespect to all of the parents involved. So yes, I am extremely hurt and angered over this situation.

      2. I am a mandatory reporter. Most parents know what that means, but for the kids really quick: It means that if I suspect that someone has been neglected or harmed, by themselves or others in an abusive situation, I am legally required to take appropriate action and then report to the appropriate governing agency. Usually, I work with elderly, but even if I am exposed to a situation involving a minor (someone under the age of 18) I still have to act. That means: IF I am ever aware of a child that is hurt or has been hurt, regardless of the cause, or I am aware of a child threatening suicide: I am legally required to get that child immediate medical attention, and then follow up with Child Protective Services/DHS what facts I know and whether or not the parents were present and who the child’s parent are, and if they weren’t present why/who was left in charge of that minor. The process when no physical harm has happened is a bit more forgiving, and doesn’t necessarily require government involvement immediately. All medical, public transportation, and school related employees are mandatory reporters and I will go into legal ramifications of this more in a moment.

      The rest of the reasons I am doing this are because I have struggled with Depression myself, I have a bit of hands on working knowledge, if you will.

      1. So: Being a mandatory reporter and also struggling with depression creates an interesting dichotomy. If I lose control of my mental faculties I am to immediately remove myself from contact with most individuals, especially minors, and I rely on my network of support including: my husband Nathan, close friends, and co-workers; to determine if my state of being is severe enough to warrant a trip to the hospital, or if other means can be used to bring things under control and return me to my right mind. This has happened as recently as the 2 days surrounding the eclipse, where I reacted to the combination of a piece of Casey’s breakfast pizza and not enough sleep or exercise, so badly that I smashed my precious phone, and scared the crap out of my kids and friends.

      2. That bring me to the fourth reason: my depression battle started at 12, the same age as many of the kids involved here. My parents wanted to brush it off as a phase, as maybe something health related (they did take me to doctors, but didn’t try very hard for a genuine diagnosis or solution), they tried to brush it off as being just overly sensitive to bullies, and they tried to make me snap out of it. Obviously, all of those were the wrong answers because now I exist in a world of understanding and determination to bring understanding to others.

      3. That brings me to the 5th reason: Clinical Depression with suicidal thoughts is a very serious medical condition that can cause permanent irreparable damage and death, which you can’t take back. There is a difference between depression the emotion that passes after a short period, and the disease that attacks the brain and leaves people incapable of realizing they even need help, let alone who is the most effective source of help. For instance: Let’s talk about the time when I was 12 and thought about blowing out the pilot light on my parents gas stove and sitting with my head in the oven until I asphyxiated. It’s a good thing they never left home that day because they would have returned to a dead child at best and their house having exploded at worst. Or one of several times I’ve locked myself in bathrooms with a bottle of advil more likely to permanently damage my liver and heart than actually kill me. Or 3 years ago when Ian had just been born and I started driving my van toward a pylon at 90 miles an hour. You name it I’ve thought about it, and fortunately every time I have walked away because a tiny voice somewhere in the back of my mind told me it would hurt too much or that I might fail and that was worse. Those are bigger fears for me than death itself. In the end that self-protection mechanism is what has kept me alive for 22 years, but now I have tools that help make sure it will keep doing so.

      SO, this is serious, and I am one of the best people to help you understand why. First I’ll start with legalities, then resulting cost issues, then I’ll talk about options and how it can be fixed.

      Legal bits:

      Minors age 12 to 18, in the state of Missouri, becomes a grey area because a minor in that age range can be left alone, but if they cause physical harm to themselves or others, the parents are going to be investigated anyway. It is presumed that the parent or legal guardian should have known their child was having trouble, and thus why would they leave them alone.

      Another issue to consider, if a child does physical harm to themselves (cutting) or threatens suicide and a legal adult (anyone over the age of 18) is aware, and doesn’t take that child to the hospital or a doctor’s office; that legal adult can be charged with child endangerment and neglect and that can result in jail time. So, under that law, we adults all have a legal responsibility to take cutting and threats or thoughts of suicide very seriously, regardless of the context they are done in, if nothing more than for self preservation.

      Does anyone know what happens to a cutter or suicidal minor in the state of Missouri?

      If an adult seeks medical care for a child in that situation (which we’ve already discussed is legally required), that child is often admitted to the nearest hospital for up to 2 weeks for observation, diagnosis/classification, medication, therapy, and if needed restraint and 24 hour direct supervision. IF, that child is deemed safe enough to be relinquished to parental care, it might be less, but honestly everyone I’ve known to experience that, ended up with the whole 2 weeks. Usually, the excuse being that the doctors need to see if the medication will work. Translation here being: medications are an educated guessing game, and depending on your physiology some of them might not work, and some may make matters worse. Plus, usually depression medications don’t show full effect for 2 to 4 weeks, so the 2 weeks is really just a good start.

      (The exception to this is if the child is taken directly to a psychologist or qualified therapist and the professional deems that the child is safe enough to remain in parental care and supervision while medications are tried.)

      If a child is taken to the ER because of cutting and the damage was severe/life threatening, padded arm cuffs can be used as a restraint to attach the child to the hospital bed and prevent further self-harm. If that child proceeds to kick at medical staff or the assigned guardian-supervisor padded leg cuffs can be used as well. Does anyone like the idea of any of these children being strapped to a hospital bed for 2 weeks?

      Now, that’s just what they can do, the medical force that is allowed to prevent a child from taking their own life.

      What does that cost; in terms everyone understands?

      A week of hospitalization care runs on average about $30,000. Nathan and I have both experienced this directly due to non-mental health issues. That is the cost of simply being in the hospital setting, receiving nursing care, having medications dosed, and being fed.

      So 2 weeks would be $60,000, assuming that you don’t end up being restrained or having 24 hour supervision, those would cost extra.

      So, what is $60,000.00?

      (name) that would buy your mom’s boat.

      (name) that could also buy a Tesela car.

      (name) that could also by 30 of the beater cars like I drive.

      (name), I could buy a tiny house and 2 acres of property for that.

      (name), it means most average homes could convert to full solar power and have about $25grand left.

      It could buy our homeschool group a computer classroom.

      It could buy a permanent in-ground pool installed in your yard.

      Do I need more examples, do you get it?

      Why am I going on about the cost? How many parents know for certain that their insurance covers mental health hospitalization?

      Sadly, the state of our current medical system dictates that even though all of this is legal reality, mental health is rarely covered. At best policies will cover a certain percentage or up to a certain dollar amount, but most policies don’t cover any mental health costs, except medications. I know that my policy won’t even cover most mental health prescriptions. That means if your minor ends up in the hospital you will be left holding a really big bill.

      That’s not a very good option.

      So, then what other options are there?

      First, children can be honest with their parents, and if they are genuinely struggling, their parents can help them find a much less costly solution. The longer you avoid talking about real problems you are facing, the less likely you will come out the other side in a positive manner, and the more likely you will end up strapped to a bed or worse: dead.

      There are a variety of therapy options including talk therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and even as extreme as shock therapy, which is still used, because in extreme cases it does work. Even low income solutions exist. The important thing is to get yourself to a qualified professional and list what you have tried, and let them know you are willing to try. Many professionals are willing to work with you, and can do a variety of therapies, before launching into attempting medications, if you start early before you’re in dire straights.

      Last fall my co-workers let me know that my symptoms had gotten out of control and they connected me with the free/reduced clinic. (I’m pointing out here that it took multiple adults outside of myself to acknowledge that.) I filed income paperwork and they assigned me a supervised Grad student and medical doctor. My solution came in the form of a book (“The Depression Cure” by Dr. Ilardi) combined with cognitive behavioural therapy, and hypothyroid medication adjustments. Therapy was once a week for 14 weeks at no cost to me, there were 2 doctor visits at $10 each, and lab work for $20.00. (that clinic does not take minors, but there are still options available through other clinics.)

      You see my particular brew of Clinical Depression is literally inflammation in the brain and thyroid damage because of food allergies bumping up against my hormones. My brain literally swells too big for the space it has, and my thyroid has been damaged so badly it is sluggish on a good day. I knew about the thyroid damage prior to therapy, and I knew that I had tried several things that helped to a degree, but no single one of them solved my problems entirely. The doctor helped me adjust medications which had actually gone too high, so that my thyroid symptoms backed off. Then the therapist worked with me to correct my mental patterns and fit all of my puzzle pieces together into something that when it’s maintained I feel great. If I keep everything together I have absolutely no symptoms of depression. But that’s the hard part, and it’s why I have a support team of my husband, friends and co-workers.

      I keep myself sane by:

      – watching what I eat, to do my best to avoid the food triggers that caused the inflammation and damage

      -Getting enough sunlight, or artificial sunlight, to stimulate serotonin production, and brain function to help with mood issues

      -getting enough sleep to encourage my body to heal existing damage, and allow inflammation to subside

      -getting enough exercise for it’s anti-inflammatory properties as well as it’s body mending abilities

      – and I take a whole bunch of pills that control thyroid function, that help fight the inflammation, that help balance my hormones, and finally that provide the necessary nutritional building blocks to repair damage and allow for better healthier brain function

      All of this is the result of 22 years of trial and error, with the book filling in the blanks that I couldn’t figure out, and a therapist to guide me, and friends and family to support me.

      Your kids could avoid at least some of that. If they really are struggling and you really take it seriously and work diligently with them, they could avoid any damage to their body and live happy lives. All at the cost of a $14 book and a couple of cheap supplements and better food and lifestyle choices.

      However, that means that kids; you have to suck it up and start talking to your parents again. They are your parents, and they’ve stuck with you this long, it’s likely they will stick with you as long as they live, even if you frustrate them or anger them, they will still care about you. Besides:

      1. If your parents didn’t care they wouldn’t get angry over anything, and they especially wouldn’t support you daily or provide any one of the fun things they already  do.

      2. You’ll have to talk to adults in general, but especially your parents, your entire life.

      3. Having your parents get mad is better than ending up in a hospital strapped to a bed.

      4. The perceived trouble is always proportional to the severity of the problem and the amount of lies you told. The worse you allow something to get, the worse things can be, so the goal should be admit things more quickly for minimal impact- RIGHT!

      It also means you need to cooperate, and when you are given information, do your best to work with that information and give it a solid chance to try and enable improvement. Nothing can help if you just look at a paper and set it aside, if you call everything pointless and stupid then you will be guaranteed to get the same results you already have.

      It is really up to you if you want to get better, and I can tell you for certain that you can. Yet, if you don’t believe me, read the book. It’s called the Depression Cure for a reason, it works for over 90% of people struggling to stay alive.

      Finally, the funniest man in America, Robin Williams, killed himself because of Depression. Depression is no joke.