“I’m not dead yet!”- Monty Python Holy Grail

It’s always been one of my favorite scenes, perhaps because of how ridiculously stubborn the knight was. Quite comical, I still laugh dozens of viewings later.

 I am that knight.

The last month brought ample challenges. There’s still at least a couple in the “known unknowns” list.

Some of it pissed me off royally. Some pushed every button imaginable. Some has caused great worry (mostly those known unknowns still lurking).

I still wish to deck at least a couple of people, but I’m a responsible adult that knows God will serve them their karma on a silver platter, and thus it’s not my responsibility.

Yet all this, and I’m still alive. Not only am I still alive, so is my family (for now :p ). I’ve made it through some pretty dark crap, because “The Depression Cure” works.

 Not only have I made it through, I’ve done one upped myself again.

I’m 9 weeks into pregnancy, and 20 pounds lighter because I healed my thyroid and I’m back on the pregnancy diet (remember it is just a slightly more extreme version of the depression diet). No more simple carbs for me, and this baby doesn’t like walnuts for whatever reason. Yet, the nausea is already backing off (a full 2 weeks ahead of expectations).

Despite being so early in the pregnancy and having lost weight, my belly is already talking on the unmistakable round shape that other moms recognize immediately. I confessed to one that asked me, that I wasn’t ready for it to show. She added that she thought I might have lost a little weight, but that my belly has definitely changed shape was how she could tell. Meh, it’s OK, I’ll catch up with me soon.

I didn’t kill any kids or their parents, and at this point I’ve stepped away. I care about me too much to stay in that mess.

My massage therapist noted this evening that I seemed more grounded. I confessed that I’m doing my best to go with the flow and having a new much clearer plan is helping a lot. I reiterated that we will definitely continue to trade, I benefit far too much not to.

The new job inches near. I’ve got my paperwork for it nearly done. They had a whole file worth, so I gladly split it up into chunks.

 I need to figure out when to fit in my DOT physical to reactivate my CDL, at this point it’s literally a matter of finding the time & a doctor that does them. The job will pay for the appointment.

And tomorrow is a shopping trip for new work friendly shoes. I have 1 pink pair at the moment that qualifies, and that needs remedied. Anya also commented that she needs new shoes, so I’ll cover her in the same trip.

Nathan’s all over looking for our new home, and I keep getting nudged to examine rent to own homes. Maybe our answer lies there.

At the same time I got a very clear message that this weekend, especially Saturday, might be very interesting. Bad and treacherous were words used in relation to this weekend. Another bumpy ride to hold on and breathe through. It’ll be over soon.

Meanwhile, I cling to gratitude over my amazing & free Bose Bluetooth speaker that we won from TrexMart, as well as gratitude over the new job falling into place so easily. 

It’s already become apparent that between Nathan and I, the benefits will be a must regardless of how much they cost. I may not end up with a whole lot of additional income by taking this job, but at least I know that regardless of whatever Nathan’s test results are, he’ll be taken care of. Plus, the insurance might cover part or all of my midwife. I won’t know that until I actually have the plan paperwork. I just know I’ve been told their insurance is great and worth every penny. That’s relief.

So, my focus now is more focus on those positive elements and acknowledgement that God has heard me and is gradually moving me to a better life. The divine knows the best path. I will do my best to honor that and keep up. Breathe and hold on for the ride. Whew! 

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Glad I could be of service.

I’m so glad that my woes and follies brought you all so much joy today.

 It’s a funny thing. Knowing that a group of people are whispering about you.

They once included me in those whisper sessions. I never did quite understand why the whispering happened, or why I was included. I never did resonate with any of it, usually trying to figure out the who of which they were talking about. On the rare occasion I knew the who, I rarely could figure out why the topic was such a big deal.

Once, only once, I knew both. I knew the who, and the why. I didn’t really agree with the why though. It was essentially a stereotypical societal response to a teen’s actions. I knew that teen and knew she liked pushing parental buttons and the whole group fell for it, to her delight. I could see if they’d just ignored her it would have gone away. The teen’s mom was more effected, and when she quit coming to events, I sort of understood. Knowing how it felt to be talked about. Yet knowing she’d let her daughter do the button pushing, I did wonder why she felt quite so embarrassed.

Now I’m the subject of those conversations. Poor, daughter is a hot mess (trouble someone called her), toddler that’s a huge handful, and oh wait- she’s pregnant again- heavens didn’t she know that was a bad idea! 

Yes, you F-ing idiots. I did know it was a bad idea, but sometimes God has different plans. It’s not like I’m one of those families with 6 kids by 5 baby daddies.

Also, you missed my husband’s health declined again, and I pushed to get him taken care of, we still don’t have a full understanding of the severity. You missed that I’m giving up building a home because I’m responsible enough to work 10 hour days all week long to make sure ends meet. And yes, that means we’ll probably have to move again, back to renting in the city. I’ll take responsibility for that too.

 You especially missed that I’m taking control of actually getting my hot mess of a (step) daughter into a professional despite being dirt poor, a huge pain in the ass, time consuming, hurdle most of you would have given up on, but one I know is important to secure her mental health. Especially since losing her mom became a joke to everyone else’s kids and she fell hook, line, and sinker for their fucked up disturbing humor. Who’s laughing now. Who thinks that shit is funny, I’ll punch them straight in the face, and you better know my serious-responsible-ass means that.

Additionally, you missed that I’ve been with my husband 14 years, married for 8, and out of that time I have taken care of his daughter for 12, him for 7, and 11 of the 14  we managed to not produce a single child of our own. I’m far from an irresponsible pregnant teen.
So go ahead and yuk it up. Enjoy your whispers while they last, because one day you’ll be on the other side. That’s how that shit works. One day you belong, then you fart/sneeze/cough and you’re suddenly the outcast. You suddenly become the one everyone talks about. Just wait, and then you’ll know how everyone else felt.

For now, I’m done. Between my new schedule and a surprisingly low desire to be everyone’s fool, I’m removing myself. I’ll work, I’ll tend to my family, and you all won’t need to whisper because I simply won’t be there. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves. Mock instead of help. That’s always a great way to live your lives.

On top of it all I still carry out my service to society. I still give to those even worse off than me. I still donate time and money. And this week one of my many errands will be to mail all our summer clothes to Florida for what little relief it will provide someone needing clothes. You all can kiss my ass while you continue to stand idly by whispering about me and my daughter.

I’m not the only one holding on.

Today my thoughts are with Florida. Friends of friends are there. One set of direct friends I haven’t heard from, but Nathan is keeping an eye on their facebook since I don’t have an active account. One grandma and her parents (Anya’s great’s) are about halfway between Tampa & Orlando.

Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers. Anya has a trip planned to go down there with a friend in October. I’m wondering if their trip will end up being a volunteer opportunity to help with cleanup. 

The news is stressful. It makes me remember why I don’t usually watch the news. Yet I feel the need to know if loved ones will survive. Mostly I think they will, but it’s still a bit close to call. So, I’m trying to moderate my check in’s, to stay apprised without causing too much emotional distress for myself.

Today I must get paperwork and computer work done, so that will be a welcome distraction. Later I will meditate and send light, love, and prayers. I suspect resources and hands will be vital over the coming weeks, but I myself am limited with the new job starting. I’ll send money once I have it, there’s definitely enough ways to donate. I hope many, many others are able to provide hands on assistance.

Do what you can. Start with meditations and prayers now, and any resources you can offer once the storm clears. Support your fellow humans in whatever way you can.

Spinning like a top.

Tonight I write as I work on drifting to sleep. The goal to empty my head, to calm my mind, so that I can sleep.

I feel at the moment as though my head is spinning as fast as a dradel.

This month I’m on a ride, I think I dove straight into that fast spinning vortex Abraham talks so much about, and I’m definitely holding on for the ride to resume normal.

Quick recap of previous bumps: depression cycles, miscarriage, Anya succumbing to depression, losing my mind thrice over with manic in between, sinus infection taking me down a notch, and discovering I’m actually still pregnant with the other “twin” 8 weeks along.

Oh, but it gets better. After yesterday’s news, I asked my one building if they were still interested in having me in their team. They had given me a sort of impromptu walk in interview last week when I went to do my regularly scheduled chair massages. They responded that the position might have been filled and send my resume anyway.

I received the call at 9am that the position was mine if I wanted it, I gave a tentative yes. By 10am I’d filled Nathan in, and confirmed my acceptance to start on the 22nd.

 By noon I’d rescheduled most but not all of my massage work. I have 2 buildings left to permanently reschedule, and 2 individuals will likely get permanently dropped. Everything else I found homes for in my new schedule. And I still managed to complete most of today’s actual originally intended work.

The new schedule starting the 22nd will be full 10 hour work days Thursday through Monday. 1 half Tuesday per month, & Wednesday’s will likely end up filled, but only half for work (pm will still be family activities).

So I’ll essentially be working 6 long days a week. While pregnant, and yes the new job knows I’m expecting. They really, really wanted me.

It felt really nice to have a respectable employer want me that much. It validated my thoughts about my mad skills.

The pay is lower than hoped, but Nathan pointed out I was interviewed on the spot before I submitted a resume, which generally speaks to how highly they regard me. In addition, they’ve already pointed out that within 6 months I could work toward increases equal to half again the base/starting rate, potentially reaching over 15 an hour. Plus it has benefits, and I could keep all of my massage work that I chose to.

It was just really, really easy and very convenient, with perfect timing. I couldn’t have asked for a better solution for the moment (exception being winning a lottery jackpot).

 I spent the rest of the day thanking the Lord/God/Shiva/Jesus & the divine in general.

I’ve already broached moving back to the city, or at least much much closer with Nathan. He understands my concerns especially with being pregnant and now working so much. He’s not fighting me, but we need to discuss and work out an agreement on details. I’m hoping that as we do that, something will show itself equally easily.

We’re suddenly in this space of knowing that every time we make a specific request it’s like we get a very direct, very easy response from the divine.

At this point I’m just doing my best to keep up, still needing to invoice, finish paperwork for Anya to see someone, and now tomorrow fill out new hire paperwork, plus a dozen odds and ends that we’d intended a while ago.

Oh, that was the other thing. I mentioned ages ago that I thought I was being nudged to get passports in order. I thought at that time Anya’s was in our fire box with her birth certificate. Apparently the grandma still had it from the trip to Brazil before her mom died. I had no idea. But the divine did and somehow solved the problem. Grandma literally gave us the expired passport with the money to renew it when she brought Anya back Tuesday. None of us asked, but poof, exactly what was needed.

See what I mean. Hang on for the ride and do your best to keep up. That’s all. Everything else is just falling into place. 

The only one I’m waiting for is my friend to show up, I keep seeing him looking out a plane window. I don’t know when, he hasn’t said anything to me, but I know it’s soon. It makes me happy to think of it.

And on that note, I’ll drift off to sleep thinking happy thoughts of new homes and cute boys showing up out of nowhere.

Denial, more than a river in Egypt…

Beyond being one of my favorite jokes, I have to find there’s humor in that even for me. My comforting blanket of denial has been uncomfortably yanked from around me.

Like a child shivering from cold, I shiver at the “reality” I’m left with.

I’m pregnant. Blood work confirms suspicions, and it lines up perfectly with the lost twin theory.

 The miscarriage I’d put at 6 weeks due to the size of the small glob of tissue that had been a fetus (knowledge that’s a drawback of being very body aware and nearly equally educated), and that was about 2 weeks ago.

 Blood work puts me at 8 weeks, which means that I did loose one of a multiple pregnancy. I’m sincerely hoping it was indeed one of 2, and not more.

I say this because I was torn over 1 baby, multiples would scare the living daylights out of me. Neither mine nor Nathan’s family has a record of multiples, so I didn’t even register it as a possibility.

That being said, I know the event of conception, and I guess I’m glad that I’m down 1 at the moment, because it could be much worse, or is it better in this instance?! What do I mean? 

That night I had been thinking of the qualities in Nathan that I loved, that I felt reflected his connection to divinity. I felt love so strongly it was wonderful. As things progressed I felt connected to the divine, had mental images of divine archetypes. At one point I literally felt like the divine had overlapped with Nathan. The experience was blissful. More than just orgasmic. I felt the love through my whole being.

I remember thinking afterwards, especially the next morning that it was very different than usual in a most wonderful and divinely influenced way. My brain instantly knew it could be significant, but pulled that comfortable blanket of denial around me.

After the miscarriage I’d hoped that it was solved and that life would straighten out before another one of those special moments happened again.

Yet, it seems that for whatever reason everything is upside down.

Today someone is nagging me from the other side. Like usual I hear & see, but don’t fully understand. I really have to work on that.

There’s only one message that seems to be getting through, and it’s to do my best not to worry. Believe it’ll be all right. 

I may have interpreted previous visions and dreams inaccurately, but the nagging is suggesting to me that I wasn’t completely off. Something in all my intuitive thoughts was accurate, enough that I’m being nagged to hold onto the positive feelings from them.

I’m just not used to this. Before when I got something strongly, I knew it was accurate, and sure enough it always ended up so.

Perhaps this time I’m off because there was so much information and involvement. There were multiple aspects at play, so perhaps that’s what threw me off.

I don’t honestly know. I’m not sure I even trust myself at the moment. I’m not sure I really know anything at the moment.

I just know someone is nagging me to believe and hold onto the love, to know it’ll be alright.

So that’s what I’m going to do. Between boughts of nausea, I’m going to just breathe and believe and say “thank you” over and over, again and again.

I did want another child, just in a safe, comfortable, clean, nice home. So maybe it’s just happening in reverse, and I’m just dense.

Just believe.

Bonus the first prenatal appointment is set for October 4th, because the midwife estimated we’d be able to hear heartbeat by the first week of October. “Ten-four, loud and clear, good buddy.” – I think that’s a quote from some movie or TV show from my childhood, regardless it’s been ringing in my head since the appointment was set.

Just believe and breathe.

A lost twin?

Apparently due to my lingering symptoms, things that aggravate them, and things that alleviate them, my midwife thinks that my miscarriage may have been a “lost twin”. It’s apparently fairly common, and she’s not concerned in the slightest (or at least as she seemed to me) she does have a really good poker face.

Essentially, she thinks I’m still pregnant and has instructed me to act as such until we can get bloodwork completed. 2 rounds approximately 2 days apart. The results will tell us for sure. HCG levels drop, it equals one miscarriage, and I’ll stick it out until symptoms go away. HCG levels rise, I’m still pregnant and proceed to develop healthy baby.

I was supposed to have round 1 drawn today, but she was called to a birth. So, I wait to hear back from her, and will probably get drawn tomorrow. That means I’ll have results by early next week at the latest.

So, I’m eating every 2 hours, small quantities of extremely healthy foods. The nausea comes in waves if I wait too long to eat, or if I eat a known food trigger. My sugars are good, but not the perfect I shot for with Ian, I will do better. I know part of it is because I’ve slipped on my exercise regimine.

So, to begin to solve that problem, I’ve taken an hour walk in Antioch Park. It’s a very nice city park in Overland Park, Johnson County, KS. Walking trails, playground equipment, a play size old west town, fountains, flowers, and benches & pavilions galore.

I took lots of pictures. I love the birds, and Lily pads. It was very relaxing (much needed for my current stress levels), and a great way to get today’s exercise in. One object stuck out for me, a metallic S or 2  shaped balloon that seemed to be for a dog (bone at the bottom), it definitely caught my Ooo Shiney reflex, but I wondered if it was a message in my version of this giant illusion. Who knows for sure, right!

So my pictures:


This (below) was my second heron in a little over a week. Remember the Great Blue Heron from the not back to school picnic. Well this is a young adult male Green Heron. & the last pic where he’s on the grate, he flew over to sit near me, the grate was about 15 ft from me, and after sitting a long while watching each other, I stood and inched closer getting about 4 feet from the grate, maybe 8 feet from him. I told him thank you for letting me get close enough for a good picture.


I rather enjoyed my walk through Antioch Park, and especially the bit of time I sat enjoying my bird friend and all of the nature. I’m feeling much better and less stressed. I think everything will be OK, regardless of the test results.

Where do I fit?

I’m having a moment.

I’ve been having headaches and lots of nausea from last week. Getting through doing my regular work and family activities, just barely.

I wrapped up work a little early because I simply couldn’t push myself anymore.

I decided I needed rest and distraction, and Nathan really wanted to go to First Friday’s in the Crossroads District. It’s usually great fun with arts, music, performances, food, and drinks.

Tonight however,  it wasn’t the fun I thought it would be.

Dressed in my professional work clothes, I pushed the stroller through crowds. My child too young to walk, too old/big to carry, feeling like an imposition on the crowds with such a large object to push.

My head hurting. Looking at the artsy & hippy wears reflecting on times that those were a big part of me.

 Listening to loud music I would normally love. Feeling a bit claustrophobic, & like my head might explode.

We sat watching fire spinners like I have done a thousand times at pagan events. I usually love that too. Tonight I kept worrying about Ian getting too close.

The drinks too sweet. The foods too rich. Smokers too plentiful.

Finding myself jealous of cute women dressed in adorable and sexy clothes. Thinking I’m too straight laced for these people, but then thinking about being too weird to fit in with those I work with.

After walking probably 2 or more miles, I pulled up a patch of empty sidewalk, not wanting to stand anymore. I just sat breathing trying not to cry, let alone be a buzz kill for Nathan. He was having a good time. I really just wanted to be sitting somewhere comfy and quiet, being held and rocked.

It just made me wonder, who have I become? This was supposed to be an evening of chill to the plethora of things I love, yet it became the antithesis. I’m achy, sore, and full of complaints, instead of happy joy filled thoughts. I feel like a stranger to myself even. Perhaps it’s my state of being. I hope it will pass, and soon.

Hard times = pause

So, miscarriage was the least of my personal woes this week. Anya is struggling in a big way, and despite checking in regularly to see if we needed to seek professional help, I found out through another teen in the homeschool group.

It’s a big mess, but confirmed my suspicions based on her changes in demeanor, so we’re getting the paperwork started to have her see someone.

What that means for me is that despite really focusing on my diet, I’m still dancing around the depression hole myself.

Yet, Nathan and I have both seen the most beautiful and large and long shooting stars of our lives this week. I personally hold onto that as a sign that help really is on its way. Just a little more patience.

Between uncomfortable conversations with other parents about depression/suicide and options available ( including what’s working for me), I’ve been doing my best to silence my mind and just breathe. 

The breathing is the easy part. Silencing my mind right now, not so much. I’ll get there I know I will. This has been a very, very challenging 3 weeks, and I’ve still yet to fall into and stay in the hole. I keep climbing back out, and even in short order. 

It means I know I have improved and in a big way. Before, these intense of challenges would have left me crippled in depression for weeks. I know I’m getting better, because now I struggle a day or two at most, and then begin the climb out.

In the world of severe clinical suicidal depression, that’s huge. In roughly 6 months I’ve gone from nearly losing the battle to working myself out of dips in 12 to 48 hours, and even with very intense external factors at play. It’s huge. I can’t state how amazing that is, and I owe it to a good therapist and the book “The Depression Cure” by Dr. Illardi. I’m utterly grateful.

Now to just make it through. What’s that old saying? Oh yeah, “its always darkest before dawn”. These are dark times for sure. Just waiting for my dawn. Patience and breathe.

Not back to school picnic.

That was today’s event with our homeschool group. Essentially it’s a way to kick off the homeschool year with the nearly 100 families in our group.

Pot luck, playground fun, schmoozing, kids playing, and this year water (balloon) war. The water balloons ran out & turned into water cups in short order. 

Due to privacy concerns I can’t post pictures of other families, but I’ll share a couple of mine. Beyond that I took some of the Great Blue Heron at the pond and butterflies on a pretty flowered bush.

And the barrage of pictures:













 Ian was fully worn out by the time we left. I think I was too.

A short love letter to myself.

I love you because you still want to love others. Despite all of the trials, all of the tribulations, the pains, the sorrows, and especially the traumas, you still want to love others.

Not only do you want to love others, you take care of them. You put them first and do your best to help others in whatever way you can. That is compassion.

I love you even more because you want to fulfill grand dreams in god’s name, but too for the tiny miracles that you carry out: your children, your health, and many others.

You are an amazing woman, know that my dear, with your big heart full of love. Things will get better. They must.