Ummmmm, yeah, it’s like that.

Another intense day to round out the week. It was HOT- 97*, though it felt like more. They have estimated that it might break 100* this weekend. Blah. Otherwise it was beautiful: bright, sunny, cloudless sky. Pretty flowers in full bloom everywhere. It was a work day for me, so I spent the day driving through Johnson County with perfectly manicured lawns and gardens, trees and shrubs.

The energy and messages flowed greatly. I felt very connected today. It was darn near blissful at several points. I don’t really know how to describe it fully, as I feel it through my whole body. Blissful, orgasmic, and intense seem to be the best descriptors. Regardless, everything went very well, and I even got to meditate over lunch. Even my meditation was intensely wonderful today.

On my drive into work I replayed the conversation (from yesterday) I had with the therapist relinquishing a building to me. It’s the new work to be had shortly. Basically, she confessed that I was the only therapist that she was able to come up with that was familiar with elder care. She said that she used to know 2 other ladies that did elder massage, but that they had retired. I also said that I had only known of a couple of other therapists doing a significant amount of elder care, but never actually met them, so I guessed she might have been one of them. Her concern was finding someone that actually knew the environment, how to work with the residents and what to expect and look for.  She essentially did a short phone interview with me to ensure that was the case. We talked about which buildings I go to, how I function, and what I charge. It was a good conversation.

Anyway, upon replay I realized that essentially what this conversation means is that when she has fully relinquished the building to me, I will have a monopoly on Elder Care in the Kansas City Metro Region. That is to say, I will be the only massage therapist that solely provides elder care massage as my whole business. I’m sure that there are a handful which see one or 2 people in the environment which I work, therapists always make exceptions for their favorite people. However, most therapists do those exceptions on the side as extra income above and beyond their “stable” office environment (be it chiro, spa, or stand alone).

Now, on one hand that’s awesome. At one point I commented to someone that it would be great if I had “all” of the buildings and was as busy as I could handle making a decent living. So this is literally a somewhat delayed manifestation of that.

On the other hand, “all of the buildings”, is not really all the buildings. There are many buildings that choose not to get involved in facilitating a connection between resident and therapist. You see, massage is still not considered medicine, and is barely gaining ground as Complimentary Alternative Medicine. So, it’s not covered, at all, hardly ever. Out of the approximately 30 well established buildings in the metro, there’s only 6 that have bothered to directly facilitate introducing therapists to the residents. There are only 2 of those that will actually intervene in the billing process, and only one of them for individual full weekly sessions. It’s just not worth their time, or at least as the corporate world perceives it. Furthermore, though insurance covering massage would dictate an exorbitant amount of paperwork, it would finally cause facilities to acknowledge it’s usefulness.

So, ultimately I end up contemplating the long term ramifications of this. It’s what I do. I see a work situation where there are 2 sides and I have to decide which side I want to invest time into.

So, I could take this building, add it to my schedule and proceed as she did, essentially just adding a few hours of work to my week, and call it done.

Or, I could pursue the aforementioned problem of buildings not dealing with massage and potentially create a situation where I would need to train  others and figure out the logistics of sub-contractors (short-term) and/or employees (long-term). Depending on the building environment, if I was able to convince others to be more on board, I might even then need someone to do paperwork/invoicing/client files, or some data system to automate it.

Essentially, I would have to market to buildings again from the stand point of this is why you should facilitate massage- of which the list is great in elder care. I have plenty of reasons why it’s a good thing not just for the resident, but also for the building itself. I would be educating the buildings on things I’ve facilitated in the past, which might even open up opportunities to do Continuing Ed with the staff (I’d need to pay NCBTMB extra to be able to do that in an official capacity).

Then I would probably have to interface with all of the massage schools in the metro to see if their elder care course was up to snuff to produce valid candidates for sub-contracting/employment. PROBABLY NOT, I went to a great massage school in Iowa, and it still didn’t cover elder care massage adequately, their course was mostly about meds, diseases that typically are seen in elderly, and the 3 basics: no heat, ice, or deep pressure. That’s all good information, but I learned so many things on the job, it’s not even funny. For instance, carrying around my table lasted all of a week before I realized it was more of a liability than a benefit, and I have probably at least a hundred examples similar to that.

Though I like the ramifications of success that come with the latter scenario, there’s part of me that likes the more laid back, mellow, lower stress of the former. Either way, I’m appreciating in myself the credence, insight, awareness, and trustworthiness that I’ve gained working in the environment. Nathan too, pointed out that I am proficient at what I do, professional with everyone, and experienced, which gives people a sense of confidence in my abilities. That definitely goes a long ways.  Essentially, I have mastered my current trade. I like acknowledging that I have mastered what I do. I also like knowing that I could potentially build what I do into a larger business with several staff members.

However, I’m not so sure that even on a larger scale that it would be profitable enough to make all the work worthwhile. Unfortunately, until people recognize all the myriad of benefits of massage as being very valid in a medical setting, and additionally eliminate the association between dollar and minute, massage will not be a very profitable endeavor. The only businesses that make money off of massage are paying their therapists like crap ($10-15/hr), and I refuse to do that, which means my profits would be slimmer. So I’d have a heavy labor intensive route to make a very little money. That is very counter to how I even got into elder care in the first place. I’ve not convinced myself it’s worth it yet.

However, I’ve not shut the door on that possibility either. I would love to see massage more widely accepted and less about dollar per minute, but to do that someone has to do the dirty work that I’ve described. In an ideal world I see massage billed to insurance just like a doctor or chiropractor. Fees based upon area(s) worked. A chiropractor bills insurance (or even cash visits) based upon how many adjustments were done, the more adjustments, the more expensive. There’s no reason a massage can’t be charged the same way.

There are residents I work with that I could do everything 10 times over and still not make an hours time because they are simply so frail and fragile that I can’t focus that intensely on their muscle tone. Those residents still get a full head to toe massage, they still get a full head to toe Reiki treatment, but I would be hard pressed to meet an hour. Additionally, they still benefit, their mood still shows improvement, their blood pressures stay lower, edema swelling is kept at bay, and they get enough movement to help stave off skin tears and bed sores. My job has been done, and done well, regardless if I’ve spent exactly 60 minutes rubbing them.

One the other hand I have had residents that an hour is simply not enough. Be it their particular health situation, perhaps their physical size, their mobility limitations necessitating extra help, and even situations involving anxiety or other mood disturbances. I once had a resident that I invested two and a half hours attempting to just get a fairly decent head to toe massage. At the end of that time I gave up with about 3/4 having been done, knowing that I would still only get paid for one hour.

For you see: massage is, even with elderly, defined as hands-on time only is paid by the hour. Whatever your rate is by the hour, is paid only based upon the time your had hands on the client. I have fought that very issue the whole 4+ years I’ve been in elder care. I don’t get paid for wandering a building trying to track people down. I don’t get paid waiting for Nurses’ Aids to accommodate someone’s mobility or restroom needs. I don’t get paid for redirecting their Dad’s/Grandpa’s verbal lapses and questionable activities. I don’t get paid for keeping loved ones from falling out of chairs or beds, or answering anxious cries for help. I don’t get paid for waiting for housekeeping, or the salon, or any one of several other therapy sessions to wrap up so that I can get my session in (being lowest on the totem pole), and I sure as heck don’t get paid for my drive time or expenses. Yet families still complain about my $40 whole visit or $20 half visit charge as being too vague because: grandma said she didn’t get all of her hour, or mom doesn’t even remember you coming, or that seems awfully pricey for such a short massage. Never mind, I travel to them, they never have to worry about expensive or inconvenient transportation scheduling.  I schedule around ALL of their other needs, even playing bridge with the girls. I bend over backwards to make sure that they are as comfortable as possible, and I limit needing to adjust or re-position them as much as possible, which often means fetching blankets and pillows and navigating any one of a number of different automatic beds or recliners. I’ve combed hair, cleaned faces and hands, I’ve helped Aids do their jobs, and I have fetched things for residents thousands of times, including drinks and food.

Now, I don’t say this to just complain about those aspects. I say this to point out the elephant in the room. That massage is billed at the “expensive” rates that it is because there are always behind the scenes things that would otherwise be “working for free”. Or, overhead would be uncovered, and businesses would fail repeatedly. I actually have the lowest fees of anyone in the metro. Perhaps that is how I slowly gained the monopoly. And I did it by eliminating as much as possible, cutting corners on my side where I could, and otherwise just eating the bullet knowing that I put in 36 to 48 hours a week and usually actually see pay for roughly half that. If it weren’t for the trade I do for my tax accountant, I probably would have failed years ago. Her skills with my tax return have ensured that I always remain afloat, just to make sure that other peoples’ dear ones are well cared for. That is my mission in life.

I have said millions of times over, my goal is always that the person I’m working with feels better when I leave than when I walked in and I always do my best to make that happen. Sometimes it is futility in action, sometimes it is an ever so short span of relief, but if I can even provide a little relief from the discomforts of aging, then I have done my job well. Now, I can say that I know this to have been true for the last 4 years, because I am the only therapist left standing. I’m the only one that had the fortitude, the knowledge, the strength (mentally and emotionally), and the stamina to keep going and keep helping when the odds were stacked against me. I managed to keep my costs down to encourage as many people to get massage as possible. I managed to learn quickly, stay focused, and help educate families and staff on the importance of massage. I’ve given talks, I’ve done free events, I’ve shaken thousands of hands, and I’ve given helpful advice when and where I could. All of that work has finally paid off, if not financially, at least metaphorically. I am the standard of care in Elder Care massage for the Kansas City Metro area. I am the only one left to turn to for advice, counsel, or appointments. So, I have to decide if it will end with me when I retire from massage, or if I will attempt to grow a business that will potentially not only keep Elder Massage going, but possibly gain better footing for the field and create expansion.

And all when I thought I was going to have some miracle allow me to move to Colorado and build Atira. Could life get any more confusing? Don’t answer that Universe! Maybe there’s a both answer lying in there for me somewhere…. I always have liked BOTH answers.

I believe in miracles.

” If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?” – Yann Martel

Thank you Logical Quotes Daily Blog

I believe in all of those things, and acknowledgement of that this morning left me with a wonderful sense of anything is possible. Anything truly is possible because I have participated in the greatest miracles. I have been through experiences that leave a knowing of those 3 elements of existence.

Love (and Life):

I loved Nathan when he was married and dating other women at the same time. I didn’t at the time see how I could possibly fit into that already complex picture, but I loved him none-the-less.  I could never have foreseen the chain of events that eventually led to me being a significant part of his life, let alone me being his legal wife. I just knew I loved him. So much so, that I once got accused of being his stalker (by the wife and girlfriend) and had to dial back my affections. Eventually it all worked out. The wife left of her own accord and the girlfriend became so oppressive that Nathan chose to end that relationship. I was hesitant to reassert my affections at that point, knowing all he’d been through, but at this point 14 years later, I’m so glad I did. I still to this day love him and feel the miracle of love daily, and our life together has had enough challenges to know that our love will always win. We’ve mastered the “for worse” and “poorer”, I look forward to mastering the “for better” and “richer”.

I love his daughter. She was not mine to love, as I did not give birth to her. I had no reason to love her, and it screamed of potential disaster for me (my parents even tried to warn me against it). There were so many possible ways that I could have ended up hurt for loving that child. Yet I did, and still do. She’s an amazing girl and I’m so grateful for that miracle in my life.

I love Ian. I think a mother always loves her children, even when life might cause less than desired circumstances (loss, adoption, etc.). However, I loved Ian so much more intensely than I could have imagined. He’ll be 3 in about a month, and I still look at him at times and start crying purely from the sheer joy of the love I have for him.  He is the one of the biggest miracles in my life. He is not only a miracle of Love for me but also the miracle of Life. I participated in a truly miraculous set of events that culminated in the birth of a very healthy, beautiful, and super-smart baby. I could never have foreseen the things I’d need to do to make that happen, I only knew I wanted a water birth and would do anything necessary to make sure it was so. The beautiful joyful blissful experience that it was, left me in awe. It also solidified for me how much a miracle of life I had participated in. Perhaps that is why I feel love for my dear Ian so intensely to this day. He is very much a double miracle for me.

I love the man that I have absolutely no reason to love. This is probably the most intense example of love as a miracle for me. There is no reason. None. He’s not even in the same region as I am right now, and perhaps may never be. Yet I love him just the same. I think I have an inkling of how mom’s feel when their kids go away to college in a distant place. Yet, he’s not my child. He’s not my flesh and blood. He’s given me very little reason to love him. I still have yet to meet him, and possibly never will. With all of that said, I know for certain that my love for him is a miracle. There is no logical reason or explanation, yet I feel it as intensely as with Nathan and Ian. It is truly a miracle, and one that I relish and cling to.

mir·a·cle [ˈmirək(ə)l] NOUN

  • a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences
  • a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency
  • an amazing product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something


I have seen God(s) aspects. I have had visions. I “hear” and feel things I can not explain. I have felt the presence and I have experienced external environmental things that could not be explained fully or satisfactorily by science. I do believe that God works miracles in my life. It may not always be on my chosen timeline, I may be a spoiled brat demanding things of my divine parents at times, but I do acknowledge that I sense and believe in that presence in my life. I am a believer.


Having had all of these experiences. Having first hand accounts of the miracle of love 4 times over. Having first hand accounts of the miracle of life. Having first hand accounts of divine miracles. I do believe in all of them. I believe them with all of my being. I’m not christian, I’m not any one of the Formalized Religions. Yet I do believe these things.

So, I’m left with believing, though it may seem difficult on the surface or to others, really isn’t difficult for me. So then I must acknowledge all things are possible. All things really are possible with a little belief. So, I just need to focus there. If I focus on that fact: I believe in love, I believe in the miracle of life, I believe in the divine; then I can believe in anything. I can believe in and eventually see any miracle I wish. Anything really is possible. Anything can happen.

And after a great night’s sleep in a beautiful home with wonderful air-conditioning, I’m very much looking forward to miracles in my life. Many, many wonderful, beautiful, amazing miracles.

To quote my friend:

Everyone has a sunny day when things will be bright…. it’s just time.


Yes, yes it is. It’s time.

I LOVE Relief.

So last night I heard from him. The instant the message came through my heart felt like it was on fire. I had a huge lump in my throat. I was driving at that moment and so I sent the most basic text so I could manage just to find a stopping point. I was literally 15 min. from home and pulled into a gas station and parked just to have the conversation. My stomach flip flopped the whole time. My emotions bounced.

Nathan must have felt me because he ended up calling mid conversation. I told Nathan what I was doing and he said okay, just make sure to bring ice home and reminded me that he would need to leave for route soon.

I had waited for the conversation for so long that I didn’t want it to end, so I kept going until I knew I was pushing my time limits. Yet on the other hand I found myself still emotionally bouncing and stating things that were a touch negative. Every time I made a negative comment, I cringed knowing what I’d just said was less than desirable.

One moment though, I commented bluntly on my weight struggles, and it was like I had this huge pang/pit in my stomach. I know that I struggle to see myself as beautiful at times, but in that moment it was like I knew I’d said the worst thing I could have. It was a very strong reaction. I almost think I felt his reaction on top of mine. It kind of hurt in that moment, but the moment thankfully passed quickly.

He essentially validated my earlier intuition (see my post “The Why of Love” from June 30th) that he’s not coming back any time soon. He also, without stating it so blatantly, validated that he does care on some level. I cherish that because it helps me know I’m not crazy. You wouldn’t message someone after 2 and a half months if you didn’t care at least a little, plus some of the things he said leads me to think he cares more than just a little. But it’s still just more speculation on my part. I wish I could just shut off my 13 year old brain and walk away, I think I wouldn’t hurt myself as much.

I yearn for outright honesty. I yearn for his whole truth. I yearn for full acknowledgement. Yet, that is looking outside of myself for for those things. Law of attraction would tell me that I need to balance myself. I struggle with that.

So, I opted to focus on the things I know that feel good. He does care. He does respect me. By the reaction to my weight comment he must genuinely find me attractive. He didn’t think I would miss him, but I do, and he thanked me for the honesty- so he’s probably doing a similar dance in his head over me. There are other details I will hang on to, and I will continue to think of the intuitive images I’ve had. Maybe one day it’ll work out. For now I do my best to look for and cling to emotional relief.

So today was all about hanging out at a friends house with great air conditioning, wonderful comfy furniture, and good company. They are so nice, and she so great that she’s giving Ian a bath right now. I’m very grateful. It is so very much appreciated.

I love having good friends. I love having a comfortable environment. I love having AC. … but those are conditional things.


I love Relief. I love knowing that I have more and more control over my thoughts. I love knowing that my thoughts do create things. I love knowing that as I work on keeping myself more and more buoyant that my environment is beginning to reflect that with improved situations and things. I love the good feeling thoughts. I love good feelings. I love RELIEF. I love loving things and people. I love love. I love being in love. I love feeling emotions of love. I love feeling comforted. I love feeling respected. I love feeling appreciated and appreciation. I love feeling knowing and like I have a solid knowledge base. I love feeling clarity. I love feeling supported. I love feeling like I’ve been heard. I love feeling like I belong and I’m accepted for who I am. I love feelings of connection and vitality. I love being energized and feeling full of energy and life. I love having good gentle mental challenges.  I like that the challenges in my life are getting a bit easier with my improvements in mental clarity. I love having time freedom. I love having ample abundance. I love relief. I look forward to all of these things in greater abundance and for my flow to carry me swiftly and gently to all of the wonderful things in my vortex, because I am learning to let go of the oars. Relief is good. Going with the flow is good. Thank you divine, thank you for all the input, all the messages, all the support. It is so greatly appreciated. Aabhaaree hoon. I am so very grateful.

premisthunnanu ప్రేమిస్తున్నాను

Yesterday was a rough day. Heat got the better of me again,  that puzzle piece fell out & I got ugly again. Even with 3 portable air conditioning units,  the house was fairly unbearable. It was 97 degrees outside and about 85 inside. I don’t do well with prolonged heat. It’s why I know I’ll only ever be able to visit certain countries at best (some are on the no-go list purely because of extreme heat).

As I curled up in front of the one AC unit facing the sofa, desperately reaching  for a better feeling place,  that word kept repeating in my head.  I felt like someone was saying it to me and then I’d feel oh so very tired. 

I would doze off and wake to Ian getting into trouble because he was also bored and hot. I’d get angry and yell & then doze off again.  Every time I’d hear “premisthunnanu” repeated several times. I knew what it meant.  It was one of the phrases I’d learned, hoping to be able to tell that man one day:

Nenu mimalni premisthunnanu.

It means I love you.

I don’t know if my brain was trying  to pull up through a little self love,  or if someone was saying it to me. Though I suspect the latter (either way I know it was in an attempt to help me feel better). 

My reasoning:

1) Saturday we ate Indian food and while talking to Nathan I mentioned that the soup was the perfect amount of seasoning for me. Then “Aakupacha” kept repeating in my head.  I knew I’d learned that word,  but couldn’t for the life of me remember what it meant.  It took several minuets of wading through the language apps I’m using to find the translation. It was Cardamom. As soon as I told Nathan it stopped repeating in my head. 

2) Then there is Evan from massage school.  I haven’t heard from him since we graduated.  He was nice,  but at the time we didn’t have a lot in common.  Suddenly out of nowhere he sent a  message to me through the app I was using to talk to the other man. It uses completely different contact info than what Evan knew me to have.  Evan explained that his new phone just asked him if he wanted to add me when he installed the app. The next day my Nathan saw a plate that read S-Evan. We knew it was a message.  I started  another  conversation with Evan & discovered that we’re in similar “story lines” if you will.  I haven’t asked permission to repeat his story, so for here I’ll just say that he has a very christian version of some of my divine intervention experiences. I was amazed at how much in common some of the elements were. I don’t ‘fully grok’ the reason for the re-connection,  but I do see it was divinely influenced/directed. We both thanked the divine for the experience(s) and conversation. I hope to explore that connection more and hopefully gain greater insight. 

3) Sunday route, I spent driving in the dark listening to music as usual.  This time however,  I felt like someone kept giving me a hug from behind.  It felt very comforting,  very safe,  warm and wonderful.  At one point I asked who was there with me and seemed to get a muddled answer of several names, all of whom are deceased.  I looked up at the gorgeous moon and said “Thank You Lord Shiva” and got a very clear mental image of that divine aspect. Shortly thereafter I thought of the AWOL man & couldn’t stop thinking of him.  I felt some  sadness, but also much love. I clung to the love and spent the rest of route verbalizing things I love- Nathan,  things about Nathan,  the kids, cats, etc.

 It is clear to me that I’m getting divine messages. I would love to have more clarity on the meaning of them,  but I’m ever so grateful that I can see that I’m getting them at all.

I’m Focusing on the Law of Attraction  & Shivji a lot these days. It seems to be helping,  but I have yet to get solid consistency going.  I’m still back-sliding more than I’d like. 

Today I spent all day apologizing to the divine for having back-slid yesterday, and then an Abraham video pops up and the message is basically don’t beat up on yourself so much for going back to step 1. Step 1 being the contrast that causes desire for more.  The video reiterated to just keep reaching for better feelings and do your best to let go of the feelings about that contrast. Drop the oars and go with the flow of pure positive energy. 

They’ve got to know that’s easier said than done when the feelings are so intense as they were yesterday. 

I know the other side,  the eternal, are trying to help me. The messages are muddled but I know they’re trying to tell me something (or several things). I just feel like I  need more clarity, more understanding. And only more patience because of my lack of clarity. 

Today I made it through.  I’m tired,  but otherwise ok.  Never did find great feelings because the man keeps creeping into my thoughts, but I’ve stabilized from yesterday. I may be sad over that loss, but I do love him, and so I oscillate between the 2 emotions.  I’m doing my best to acknowledge that I liked everything he represented and that if it’s not right to have that particular man,  then the universe will provide an equal or better solution if I stay focused on his positive qualities. Again easier said than done,  especially in maintaining the feelings. 

 Finally, I may have to buy another AC unit yet just to get through the summer,  and my savings are dwindling quickly.  So much for tiny home plans. Plus,  Nathan is going to give up the daily route. His health backslid enough to acknowledge that it’s doing more harm than good. He wants to keep the Sunday only one for now, but did admit that his health is more important than a little work.  I thanked him for seeing that with enough time to correct. However, those acknowledgements didn’t help in trying to bring myself back up today. 

The upside is that I may have another senior center inbound which will make up for the lost income from the losses I’ve had this year. More work is a good thing until I figure out how to allow the miracle which will improve life overall. So I just keep on trucking, digging myself out again and again,  and doing my best to glue my puzzle together so that I can eliminate this conversation altogether.


One last note. I read a blog that upset me because it spoke of non-believers that supported LGBTQ, abortion, and assisted suicide. Essentially equating the 2. I want to point out that I’m both a believer and that person.

 I believe in the divine.  I have experienced the divine on several occasions,  and believe that I continue to do so. Just read my bogs to see that. 

Yet I am Bi-sexual, despite being born in/from a Christian family that hates LGBTQ, and has essentially written me off. It is why I want a poly family so much. 

Also, I  do believe that it’s a person’s choice to choose abortion or assisted suicide,  as much as it is my choice to fight depression and do everything I can overcome it. 

Do I agree with either?: I  don’t believe so, but it’s still their choice. Who knows if in just a particular set of circumstances that I might feel one of them would be necessary.  There are so many factors involved in those hot button issues (not the least of which is very real “true” health concerns) that I can’t honestly say that I would never succumb to them. I’d hope not,  but in certain situations they might be the lesser evil,  the path of least resistance.  So I’d hate to prevent another person from making that decision, and I’d like to believe that the divine understands that. 

And I’m going to quote Nathan here: 

If the divine is all knowing,  all seeing, doesn’t he already know all of that exists? Can you keep a secret from God? He knows us better than we know ourselves. God is all powerful,  the Shiva aspect is called the destroyer for a reason [biblical smiting inferred as well].  So why would LGBTQ even exist if God didn’t know about and approve of them.

Back to my opinion: 

We’re doing a good enough job killing each other with guns and bombs, and chemicals in our foods and vaccines.  The last thing “A Believer” should be doing is finding something else to fight over. 

To me a believer should exist in love and peace and work with fellow humans to improve this planet and help eliminate the need for things like abortion and assisted suicide. 

Imagine no one receiving a ‘3 months to live’ diagnosis,  no reason to contemplate whether futile painful treatments is worse or better than just letting go with a doctor’s help. No reason that a mother might be told that either she or the baby would die and having to pick between herself or her baby. 

Work on finding solutions, meet those people in person, and then tell me that it’s ok to equate them as non-believers and evil-doers. If you can’t exist in their heads even for the  length of a conversation, exist in their shoes for a day,  then you have no right to judge. The pain they’re in is already bad enough without your judgement. 

“Ugly live up on the inside. Ugly be a hurtful, mean person.”― Kathryn Stockett

“I realized I actually had a choice in what I could believe.” ― Kathryn Stockett

Those two quotes.  They hit home for me just now.  I have been that ugly person. I have been hurtful,  mean, belligerent, even violent at times in my past because of  depression. The darkest place of a scared-hurt-traumatized person lashing out for fear of being hurt more.

Yet, a small desperate part of me wanted relief,  wanted healing,  wanted improvement,  wanted to see my own beauty.  I wanted it so badly I kept stumbling through life, forcing myself to keep going,  picking up pieces of a puzzle, hoping that eventually they might fit.

Now I see. 

I see that I took the path of more resistance in life,  but I’ve still found all my puzzle pieces. I finally found everything that makes me be the beautiful light person I so desperately wanted to be and see.

 It’s a seemingly difficult puzzle that I’m having trouble keeping together. It seems like all the pieces want to keep falling apart,  but really I just need to glue them together with a little something I think is called self-worth. 

It’s the value I place in myself, which makes myself so important that I’ll do anything to keep those pieces together so that I’m always the beautiful whole person I know I can be.

I just need to make myself so important that doing what’s right for me and my body is more important than anything else. 

 More important than being on time,  more important than making another appointment,  more important than helping others,  more important than even keeping my family together.  Because without me none of the other things would even exist.  All of the other things are merely elements of a large illusion of which I agreed to participate.  If I exit from the game,  the game would continue with other players. 

So, if the other elements/things/people are important to me, I still need to put myself first to be able to be there for them.  To be able to experience them.  If I lose myself to the ugly again,  or worse: exit the game, then everything else either falls apart or is reconstructed substituting other players.

I am what’s holding my view of this illusion together.  

I am most important.

I must value myself enough to keep the puzzle glued together and maintain my beauty so that the world begins to reflect that beauty. 

They say it gets easier with time and practice.

I like feeling beautiful,  and I like feeling loved. I like feeling like I love myself enough to put myself first and allow the universe to reflect that beauty back to me. I like that all, so much, that my glue gets stronger every day. I know that one  day the glue will be so strong it’ll be easy to pick up my puzzle and carry it anywhere I want to go and show everyone how beautiful I am for figuring out my puzzle. That will be a great day.

Maybe then I’ll be able to teach others how to take a path of less resistance to find their puzzle pieces and glue them together. That would be an even better day. 

Thank you Abraham.

 Thank you Shiva/Shango/Cuernnuos. 

Thank you Brighid/Kali/Kuan Yin.


I’m still working on teetering. Leaning a bit more to the positive side, but not enough to hit that tipping point yet.

Today I’ve fantasized, mmm that’s good.  I’ve thought about things I want, from simple things like air conditioning, to more complex conversations and a particular phone call, and even more complex things like large sums of money and dome homes. Ultimately I’m still struggling to maintain.  This illusion,  especially the  hot sweaty part of it, is kicking my butt.

Ultimately,  I’m trying to find another temporary solution,  assuming that my messages of this fall are accurate in that a more permanent solution is inbound.  I’m thinking a trip to the truck  stop for long cool showers and a meal is in order.  However,  that oscillating of emotions & vibrations is making even that temporary decision difficult.

Though I find that every time I really focus and really visualize (fantasize)  I end up going very deep and losing track of time. 

The last round of visualizing where I lost 20 minutes,  was merely a conversation about honesty.  How much I just want honesty. Why things happened,  why decisions were made,  why my perceptions are what they are. … I understand the need for white lies,  I’ve used them myself at times.  Sometimes life’s lesson is that they can get out of hand,  or cause feelings of losing control.  Sometimes the easiest way to escape the damage of white lies is to come  clean. Sometimes a bit of honesty goes a long way. 

My visualizing was solely me telling someone that and then my guess as to their reaction and response.  Though  keep in mind the goal is to feel good,  so I stuck  to the guess that felt the best.

 Since last post I’ve also had epiphanies about some of the people in my life.  A revelation I suppose as to how people that seem to love and respect me,  still move on without a trace. It’s all my doing, and apparently from birth really. So now I’m doing my best to give thanks that they did as much as they could  before moving on. I know I can’t rewrite my past,  so now the goal is to rewrite the next round.  Improve the future. 

I had a dream about being an artist, having done an image of Kuan Yin, and seeing the impact that my image had years after the fact. It was so vivid I might be able to reproduce the image from memory.

 In the dream the image stemmed from an experience I’d describe as Kuan Yin appearing to me. It was very intense and awe inspiring. On one hand it helped clear the air of the pattern I’m holding in regards to those people loving and leaving. I did feel an intense energetic release. 

  On the other hand what good does such an experience do if I’m still hot sweaty itchy cranky, not able to fully let go,  and not able to continue to remain buoyant. So more teetering,  more up in my head,  more sweaty,  & no good solutions at the moment. Everything is overwhelming and nothing lasts long enough to help me find the positive tipping point. I’ll continue to hang in and get by and keep chopping away at the blockages in my head. & maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll find that tipping  point & my llife, this illusion,  will start to improve. 



The luke warm shower in an air conditioned building,  followed by salad dinner (also in air conditioning), helped drastically.

I got super cranky earlier because I desperately wanted air conditioning,  and didn’t allow myself to make a decision quickly to accommodate my own desires.  I’ve really got to work on that.  By the time I got us headed to showers I was overheated and dehydrated.  Not a good combination and one that could have been avoided.  Meh.

Ian fed my own crap back  to me several times over the day & evening,  and now he’s fighting sleep.  Yet, I watched him count to 6 on  his own,  and he figured out how to get napkins out of a cantankerous dispenser without shredding them. It made me realize that some of his feeding things back to me is really because he’s so smart he’s figured out quite well how to push my buttons.  Like the moment where the waitress tried to talk to him,  and he opened his mouth with a huge grin to show her what he was chewing.  Let’s just say it ended the waitress trying to talk to him, & embarrassed me, all in one fell swoop.  He accomplished two desires with one very efficient action. Yikes. That was just one of many moments like that today. 

I told Nathan we’re  in trouble if we don’t figure out how to keep his brain busy,  starting now! Nathan agreed pointing out that when he can’t produce motion to stay awake, he starts engaging his brain to stay awake. He turns into a proverbial little engine that could figuring out whatever thing is closest.  Both a blessing and a curse, I just hope I can keep up.  

Having that family of multiple adults would sure help with keeping up and keeping him challenged.  Mmmm. That would sure be nice. AND a home with modern conveniences again, would be nice too. I can say our family lived 16 months without plumbing or AC, and though we could continue to do so,  I’m so ready to have a gentle easy solution to move into a nice home with both. That’s what I’m going to focus  on as I go to sleep tonight. 
Hocus pocus focus (Drew). 

– Abraham Hicks (& me: we used to tell our dog Drew to focus)


Onomatopoeia for the way I’m feeling right now.

It’s not necessarily a good thing, but it could be worse.

I’ve spent 2 solid days working diligently at Law of Attractioning myself more positive. Literally taking several blocks of time to choose the best feeling thought I could reach for. Catching myself thinking negative and doing my best to flip it around. I’ve sat several times and meditated using the good “visions” I’ve had in the last year as positive fuel, at one point meditating so deep that I lost 45 minutes when I only intended 15. I’ve distracted myself with upbeat music at every possible opportunity. I took a couple of naps. I even ‘virtually’ loved on the man long distance, and ran through a long list of things I already have with Nathan.

I oogled the sunsets. I oogled the sunrises. Both while driving. I’ve even stared at the moon, which by the way, is almost full again. I’ve literally stopped to smell roses and other flowers in several people’s bouquets. Mantras, and pretty pictures, and acknowledging messages I’ve gotten of late.

So, with all of this positive thinking, attempting to drop the oars and float downstream, intentional releasing of resistance, why the hell do I still feel like HURUMPH?

Abraham says it’s because you have to reach for thoughts that are believable enough that you feel the vibrational shift. I thought I was.

Abraham also says that you have to focus on those thoughts for 17 seconds to start the ball rolling and 68 seconds to pick up any sort of momentum. I know I accomplished that several times over the last 2 days.

Part of me thinks that I’m allowing others’ vibrations to seep into my stream and slow me down. Though Abraham says that you should be able to bring enough light and good vibes to overcome that with enough focus, especially since you are the only one that controls your stream. So maybe I just have not found enough focus.

Or perhaps there is just way too much crap to try and overcome. Maybe my stream is the expert level white water rapids with all kinds of jaggedey hazards to attempt to avoid, and I’m no expert. I dunno!

I exclaimed on the way home. “Do you know how hard this is? Do you know how many thousands of thoughts I think every day? Do you know how far down some of them are, and thus how hard I’m working to bring them up? AND not a shred of physical evidence yet as encouragement.”

It’s like being told you have to do a thousand of something before someone will even think of giving you an atta-boy.

So yes, you might say I’m struggling a bit. Maybe tired is a factor. Maybe diet and other choices are a factor. I could have had a much worse week. I thought I did decent in the grand scheme of things. Got more sleep than previous, got more exercise than previous, ate less crap than previous, even managed to remember most of my supplements, etc.

There’s also Anya being gone again. 2 weeks this time, with Grandparents to Nebraska first, and then Florida for the second half. They also dropped a family bombshell when they picked her up, and that has me and Nathan both flustered. I think everything will ultimately be ok, but it’s likely a major contributing factor at the moment. I really don’t deal well with her being gone, it does affect our sleep drastically, and the bombshell did ruffle enough feathers to cause some worry and concern.

Bonus, I still want Nathan to quit working again. It’s just not produced any financial gain, and it’s made our life so much more complicated, there is way less flexibility, and he’s lost sleep more than we did when Ian was a newborn. I just don’t have anything good to say about him continuing to work. Yet, we don’t want to throw in the towel and go back down to just my massage wages either, because I’ve lost so many people of late. There have been so many people die that I’m down a third of my income at the moment. I know it will rebound as they add new people, but there is always an uncomfortable lag time in the process. I’d rather just figure out this art of allowing thing.

We’re also down 10 chickens. Raccoon food. On one hand- whatever, everything’s gotta eat, and I haven’t been using the eggs myself, giving many away. On the other, rawr, really just raccoon food after all the crap I’ve done to make chickens happen! Meh. I told Nathan this is very reminiscent of Ainsworth:

Aradia/Kara, Rajesh, and Chickens dwindling.

Has repeated as:

Jennifer, SJ, and Chickens dwindling again.

I could do with some really truly sane women, Good Indian men that actually stick around (or that respect me enough to stay in touch), and I suppose either no chickens to start with or being able to easily maintain their safety.

That and I gotta say, good shit has got to start happening or I’m likely to turn into a cold hard bitter bitch that doesn’t trust anything. I’m right on the edge right now, and I’m doing my best to tip it to the good side.

So tonight I sit teetering, saying hurumph, setting a goal that tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one.

More Contrast: True Freedom

It’s been a day. Oh my Gods it has been a day. 

Woke up: layed in bed self adjusting through stretches. Snap-crackle-popping until I felt splendid. Took a few  minutes to think good thoughts.

Went to the restroom and was thrust into cranky children.  Ian is now like Anya used to be, and is thrashing about in his sleep.  That means Anya didn’t get good sleep last  night.  Ian was well rested,  but likes to butt heads with Anya.  He finds it amusing,  my little schadenfrüede. So her tired ran into his button pushing, and grumbling ensued. I took over.  Told Anya to nap and acknowledged that it was time to figure out how to provide him his own bed.  I also explained to Anya the same process had happened with her. 

I let Ian watch cartons, but I chose which ones.  Ian tried to push my buttons and almost won.  After a short break I was better.

 Then Ian & Anya got sent outside to play in the sandbox while I brainstormed with Nathan on things he’s been working on.  That was fun and interesting. 

By that point it was HOT! I suddenly wanted air conditioning or water fiercely… or BOTH! I offered up the lake with showers followed, & fireworks last. It was agreed and it took us another hour to prep for the 5 min drive around the country-block to swim. 

Finally we got to the lake.  I remembered Ian’s life jacket this time,  and he accepted the flotation device much easier than last year.  

He had a blast.  I was enjoying the experience.  Anya was having fun. 

About an hour in we were buzzed by a bald eagle.  It was beautiful,  but even more so was when the eagle hovered for a moment and then dove to the waters surface and caught a fish.  This was about 300 feet away from us (maybe 50 feet past  the orange buoy you can see in the 2nd image). The eagle flew up past the trees and I lost sight of it. About 10 minutes later it took another pass over us, and got very close to where Nathan was sitting on the dock. It was beautiful. 

I thought how apporpeau it was to see the nation’s symbol of freedom on the 4th of July.  Yet my brain only barely acknowledged that, before jumping to my own measly life and how it could also represent the growing freedom I’m finding spiritually and through the Law of Attraction. I thought that it was beautiful and amazing and validating all at the same time. 

I played in the sand with Ian.  He more just experimented with how the sand felt and acted and what he could do with the wet sand.  I made a winged heart in the sand. It was a very good time. 

Then as we were leaving,  I found that there wasn’t a single diaper to be found in the DIAPER BAG! Arrrgh! Right as I was on an angry rant about that, it was like someone tapped me on the shoulder and said “Hey, haven’t you complained about everyone not listening to you so many times you’re attracting it now. Wouldn’t it have just been easier to assume the bag was empty and refill it before leaving.”

I grumbled.  When Nathan said “what”.  I said “I should have known and just made sure there were some in the bag”. He started to apologize that everyone uses them and everyone should do their part to keep them stocked. I said yep & grumbled again. He started to try and rant at me to get positive. I said I know & I created that to: I  rant, you rant,  I rant some more. Yadda yadda yadda.

  I then had to explain what I realized:  that I’d created the whole mess by ranting about that very thing so many times it was now a set pattern, and now I need to suck  it up, shut up, and recreate a new pattern. Stop the pattern first,  then work on a better response. 

Nathan thought that was hilarious.  Before I knew it we were all laughing again.  Now I need to shower so I can go enjoy those fireworks.  So yeah,  a beautifully interesting, brain hurting, painfully learning,  Law of Attraction  day.

Keeping my dial tuned to my vortex. 

So today has been an interesting day.  I’ve looked at ALL of my interactions from the perspective of law of attraction.  Mostly with success, though some of the corrections were slow in process. 

I started the day draggy with not quite enough sleep to make up for shaperoning the  overnight teen lock-in & having worked on consecutive nights. 8 hours would normally have been enough, but not when already in a severe sleep deficit. I definitely need to get back on my sleep schedule. 

While eating my healthy breakfast of salmon & veggies, I listened to some pick- me-up music and Abraham YouTube videos. That helped.  I continued with that theme on  the way into the metro and by the time I got to work I was  doing great. 

A few moments (tv induced)  at work had me slipping. I confirmed with Nathan by text: 

“So to make sure I’ve got this down…. if fear based tv makes me feel very uncomfortable,  then it’s because what’s in my vortex is so very the opposite- right?…”
I was referencing an Abraham video I’d watched,  referencing the good things in your vibrational escrow and being very sensitive to vibrations. 

 It at least seems that I’m now getting a hang of understanding my emotional dips. All the causes and whys of the deviations.  Droopy makes me uncomfortable because I know I want more sleep. Fear based TV makes me uncomfortable because in my spirit I know there’s nothing to really be afraid of. My driving (right) leg hurting  makes me upset and uncomfortable because I know I want to drive less and work the muscles loose indefinitely. My low back hurting is an acknowledgement of needing  more core support, both physically and metaphorically. 

So all in all, it really was a great day,  even with the dips, because I now have a fuller understanding of this law of attraction thing and how my depression is way more controllable now. Not only can I see the causes in real time,  but I’m getting way better at correcting and heading things off at the pass.

I took the opportunity to interject some appreciation and things I want. 

I appreciate beautiful landscapes that country living provides. I appreciate beautiful flowers both intentionally planted and wild. I appreciate the quiet and natural sounds that proliferate in my rural experiences. I appreciate freedoms (lack of regulations)  that come with living rural (construction, land utilization options,  noise, waste management and utility options).  Here’s some feel good images I took yesterday with this in mind. 

Things I  appreciate about the city though (& why I want to live closer to the city) :

  • Easy access to all conveniences.
  • Fun things to do (zoo, amusement parks,  events,  music, entertainment,  skydiving,  laser tag,  museums,  etc.)
  • Restaurants, hotels, & other amenities…. airport. 
  • Everything being close together. 
  • Variety.
  • Safety through fire & other rescue services, & hospitals. 

I thought about how some of these things could be incorporated into Atira, but some would just simply need to be nearby to still be a draw. I’m feeling very powerful in my tuning of my attraction dial this evening.

So then I turned my attention to family. Again?! Right,  I know.  A bit of a broken record on that lately.  That’s what happens when you think somethings a sure bet and then it falls through.

Anyway,  Nathan and I had always hoped for that unicorn Bi-woman that would mesh perfectly with both of us.  A long shot, but worth looking for.  When my boy was talking to me,  and I was seeing things,  I thought we’d found a good second option: a man that meshed  perfectly with me, was comfortable with Nathan and family,  and bringing along another woman that might also be a wonderful addition (especially for Nathan).

Anyway,  I don’t want to negate that as a possibility,  especially since I felt so good about it. However,  I felt some clarity might be in order.  I want anyone coming into the family to know that Nathan and I fully expect to accept them as family, and that it doesn’t necessarily mean sex is required.  There are many poly families that have embraced someone that is platonic,  or only intimate with one person. It’s ok,  it’s whatever is needed. I know that Nathan and I talked about someone’s comfort level as being top priority. We want our chosen family to know that we love  and support them the best way we know how regardless of the details and daily interactions. 

It’s something I’ve been working on explaining repeatedly to Ian- usually in bite sized pieces in toddler friendly language.  I’ve told Ian many times that I love him and always will because he’s my son.  It doesn’t mean I’ll like him every minute of every day. I explained that when something’s happened like breaking something that’s not his,  I’m likely to be mad at him. There’s other things I might get frustrated over, because that’s me and my emotional responses. But none of that will last,  and I’ll always circle back to loving  him because he’s my son,  my family. Nothing really matters or lasts because I love him,  but he can’t expect me to constantly exude that 24/7/365 because I’m human too, I will have  bad days even when I’m generally in a good place.

I sincerely hope that adults added to  our family understand that.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll be perfect, but if I make that kind of commitment I mean it. I’ll do everything I can to make it work and overcome obstacles.  And if there is a fight or butting of heads,  I know it won’t last. I will figure out a way to circle back to loving acceptance. 

Beyond that,  I’d love to have a woman willing to interact with me intimately,  but it’s by no means mandatory.  I’d be ok with my men. 

And the ability to participate sexually doesn’t necessarily determine beauty or love.  I think most women are strong and beautiful and deserve to be told so frequently. I think that is why I’ve fallen for even the ones that didn’t work out, and it’s ok.  What it means is that any woman willing to commit to our family has a place in my heart, especially if she is in love with a partner of mine.  That in a nutshell is compersion, finding happiness via the enjoyable experiences of your partners, even when not having participated in the experiences. And anyone causing compersion deserves to be loved.

So…. I’d love a Bi-woman, or a man & a bi-woman, or a man & straight woman, or a man & bi-woman & straight woman. 

The combinations are less important than the sense of commitment and loving as family. As long as I can love you and count  on you as my family,  that’s all that matters. You only sleep 1/3 of your life,  & most of that is actually sleep! It’s the daytime that matters more. HA Ha!

If nothing else my garden is doing great. 

You may have noticed a lack of updates about the physicality of our lives. It’s because there is precious little to report. I’m doing my best to not be upset about that.  It is what it is. “I am where I am and it is ok. It has to be because it’s all I’ve got. ” – Abraham Hicks

It’ll sort out in time,  especially since I’m staying buoyant more and more. I’m going with the flow more these days than previous,  so it has to improve eventually.

Anyway, in the meantime.  I’m enjoying garden happiness.

Radishes & herbs. The thyme & parsley are doing the best,  but I’ve got a little cilantro and sage as well.

The beans and snap peas did so so. & everything else is right in the middle of its growing season. 

My flowers are starting to be pretty…

& I’m enjoying watching the birds on the feeders,  but I’m apparently not even a decent wildlife photographer. So you’ll have to take my word for it. 

I’ve seen cardinals,  bluejays, other jays, nuthatches, your usual chicadees and finches. Momma Carolina Wren nested in the birdhouse again this year. Gold finches & orioles. There’s some kind of small brown & rainbow esque bird I see occasionally,  and lots of woodpeckers of a variety.  I’ve seen some beautiful barn owls & I can hear a great horned owl every night. Though a schreech owl can also be heard at times.

I’ve seen kestrels, peregrines, gryfalcons, some kind of dark hawk I think might have been a Harris hawk. Oh, and lots of vultures, there are about a dozen within a mile of home and they’ll often fly as a group.  The houses have been buzzed many times. It’s really neat. 

We had to fortify the coop from a raccoon that ate a few chickens.  Opossums, rabbits, skunks,  and squirrels abound. I thought I felt the big kitty watching us at night for a couple of weeks,  but even that sensation is gone now & I never did catch sight of her. 
Otherwise, it’s just peaceful and I’ve taken advantage of that a few times now. More time for introspection in a positive way. 

Finally,  on another note,  my post from yesterday: something else occurred to me. “It’s not just me, it’s my whole life,  my whole family”. Yes,  that is who we are in a nutshell.  It’s good to know all of that about someone.  It’s good to meet someone’s family to get a clearer idea of things, an understanding of motivations,  how someone is likely to interact with others, and even how they were raised so to see how it might affect life decisions and really everything about a person. It helps to know how emotions are shown, or not; expectations that are built into family  dynamics,  communication skills/ interactions,  and even basic functions of daily life. 

I’d like that very much.  I’d like to know all of that and more. I know that’s complicated though and may or may not ever happen with anyone at this point. 

  I met Anya’s mom’s family when I was still just “the new girl”. They totally disregarded me as anything to be concerned with until Amy got sick.  Yet after Amy passed they finally accepted me as a mom figure in Anya’s life.  Things are mostly ok now. 

I met Nathan’s family early on and they liked me right away.  It did provide lots of clarity and understanding and still to this day does at times. 

Nathan met my family.  I think they liked him fairly well as an individual,  but they were very forthright in their dislike of me choosing to marry him.  He was too old, too black, too poor, and previously married with a child is always a bad idea.  To this day I know that my family dwells on my marrying him as having been a bad choice. Yet 14 years later, 8 of marriage,  I’m still in love with him,  even with all the struggles and woes. If I could change one thing it’d have been more money, a lot more.  If 2 things,  it’d be more time freedom.  Neither of those would have changed my relationship with Nathan,  only made it easier to enjoy more time with him doing more exciting and fun things.

I personally think that even if we’re  somewhat astranged from family- as in my case, we never really escape the fragments and remnants in our psyche. It’s definitely an ongoing connection that shapes who we are as people. I have already thought through introducing poly life partners to my family. It wouldn’t be easy, surely very complicated, and  I’m certain it’ll go over pretty much the same as it did with Nathan. However, I also feel my family would have the right to at least know,  they raised me, they need to see how their influences turned out. But more importantly,  my partners have a right to know that same information.  My partners have a right to know the complexity of what they are committing to, because I am a sum of all of my life experiences and family  interactions. My family is inherently part  of me,  for better or for worse. I hope that Nathan and I will one day have life  partner(s) willing to go through the uncomfortable experience of meeting my family, and the slightly less uncomfortable journey of meeting Nathan’s family. It would go miles for helping us all understand each other,  but it would also show they are guinenly committed to being a part of mine & Nathan’s family. That is priceless.